What is the reason for anger? Why do we experience such a heinous emotion? Everyone does. So why? Is there some evolutionary or biological reason for it? Is there any way to stop it? Is there any way to control it?
I have been a very angry person lately. I have wasted an entire day being angry. Just to find out that there is really no reason for it. Even as I write this I am still partially angry at some people I know and for reasons that, really, I have no business worrying about. It doesn't pertain to me and it doesn't actually affect my life at all. So why am I angry?
I personally am angry because some people just don't think. They don't listen to those who care about them. Some don't even listen to themselves. Some are just idiots, others aren't but still act like it. So again, why am I mad?
I really can't explain why I am so angry. I guess it is because these people are friends. I hold them to the standards I hold myself to.
I guess I just hate to see them messing up their lives and being such idiots. I always feel as though I should tell them, but I know as soon as I do they will just become angry with me for not minding my own business. I don't want that tension. In my mind, bottling up anger and frustration is much easier than losing a friend, or even upsetting a friend. I have handled my emotions all my life this way, but friends in my life come very sparsely and I need them to last.
Or maybe that last paragraph is just a load of crap, and I just don't like other people having fun. Maybe that's what it is. I already know that I can't have fun, so maybe if my friends don't have fun than I'll be happier. Perhaps my mind is really that selfish. I don't know.
Anyway, back to the real issue. Why is there anger in this world? What is the central cause for it? Some people lose things and become angry, some people simply become upset, some people don't experience any emotion at all. Why is there such a difference among people? And there are different degrees of anger. There are violent, screaming, subtle, and so many other ways that people experience anger.
I suppose our environment when we are younger gives us much of the general reaction to anger. If your parents curse and shout when they are angry, then likely you too will do that. If you grow up in a house of beatings and physical punishment, then you likely will do that as well when older. Well assuming that explains every case, which it most certainly doesn't, then why did anger develop in the first place?
Why are people so angry? Some people get angry at everything. Why is this? Is there just some cosmic balance that says that some people have to be angry all the time? I personally don't believe that even though it is really easy to say. So scientifically, why is this?
Well I suppose early species got angry at others because of territory. Territory fights are very common among all species, not excluding humans, even now. Well considering this, why still did these species get angry?
Ok well let's think about modern day occurrences... What are the alternatives? Happiness, sadness, apathy, etc. So why wouldn't we experience these other emotions? Well happiness is a raising of the morale level, it is the mood that hopefully most enjoy. Why wouldn't we experience this? Well the losing of something important, for example, doesn't usually make beings happy; they usually obtained it through some effort or work. Thus they have an important connection to it. Thus lowing this object would cause a large amount of stress to build. This is why happiness does not occur. So why can't more people just simply become sad when they lose objects?
So sadness is, like anger, a lowering of morale due to increase in stress usually. What really is the separation between sadness and anger? I personally tend to experience both together. So what about those occasions when only one occurs? Perhaps this is a result of chemicals in the brain. Perhaps anger and sadness are both set off by different chemicals which are given off in different amounts in different people depending on genes and other influences. (By the way, yes, I realize I am not really being scientific here. I am simply coming up with completely unsubstantiated hypotheses. But if you have ever read any of my posts in the past, you will probably realize I do that a lot.) If this is true then maybe similar amounts of stress in different people could cause such different responses in people who experience similar situations. I think I will just stick with this answer for now. I really don't feel like researching anything right now and I don't plan to do anything relating to psychology in the future.
So we have pseudo-determined why we experience anger in these situations. How can we control it? I have no idea. I haven't learned how, other than to not have anger. And I haven't figured out how to do that either, at least not with things that actually anger me. I am relatively apathetic to most things, this is probably one of the reasons that when I am angry people around me know it.
So how does any of this explain what I have gone through today? Well this experience has caused me stress obviously assuming our explanation is correct. So why was I stressed? Because I wasn't listened to, because I care so much about these people? I suppose that makes sense. But why then did these cause me so much stress as to create anger? Well I guess my stress level has been relatively elevated lately. Perhaps it was just pushed beyond its limit. Perhaps it is because I care so greatly for these friends that is amplifies the amount of stress posed by their smallest of errors in judgment according to my mind.
I'll be honest I am going with all of the above just because I feel like leaving it alone now. My mind over the course of writing this has settled to a much lower level of stress and I am feeling much better. This was the true plan for this post. I wanted to test whether it was actually true or not that I use this to blow off steam. I was right, who would have thought.
Well whoever read this, my apologies again for wasting your time and quite possibly depressing you. My way of coping is to explain everything to myself, if you can't deal with it, don't read. Simple as that. Thanks to those who do continue to read though. It means a great deal.
I actually wouldn't mind writing more often about things other than myself, so if anyone wishes to suggest anything that will be easy enough to write about, please let me know. Well adios.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
What is this life we live?
This is the question that I posed when I started this blog, hence the url. Well this is the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been wondering about humans in general, and me specifically. Why do we live this life? What is the reason? And why bother? What is the point?
Now I realize this probably sounds like a suicide note or something along those lines, but I assure you it isn't. Suicide is something that I see as worthless, being that I don't believe in an afterlife. So don't bother worrying about such unimportant things.
So what is the point of this life? We live on this place that we call earth. We were born into such as world as the one surrounding you now. Whether you like it or you hate it, you have to wonder, what does it all mean? Is there a point to it all?
Well these questions, I am learning currently, cannot be answered by anyone. They can only be answered by you. If you don't know who you are and who you want to be, then no one else can do it either.
My life at this point in time is wrapped in much confusion and contemplation about life. If you have read any of my recent posts, I'm sure you can garner that simple fact. I have been going through several things lately and I have been forced to really question what I want to do in life. What I am really about. What do I really want.
I have been thinking for weeks and I still have no answer. But first let's walk through my last few weeks, so I can attempt to show you my life.
As of several weeks ago, I can't even remember when because my days are just running together into weeks and weeks into months. Anyway, several weeks ago, some friends ran into an unbreakable barrier in a relationship and it had to come to an end. I think this may have been the start of my problems and everyone else's concern. But with this event many other things have happened. I had to drop one of my majors which I loved so much, I am getting lower and lower grades in my math class of all things. Friends are experiencing troubles amongst themselves and others, some friends are angry at others, some friends are just plain angry. Meanwhile I am sitting around, listening and soaking in frustration because as a person, I am a listener and a decent empathizer. I attempt to put other people's emotions on for myself as to show that I care and to see how they are truly feeling and dealing with things.
Well I think this somewhat started to backfire, when I would get back to my apartment from the loft. When I was there, the little I was there, I would apparently seem extremely angry with anyone and everyone. I would be snappy or tense or some other traits that are not very normal for me. The unfortunate part about all this is that I was completely unaware of this change that was happening. I was unable to really see what I was doing to my roommates. I was apparently the only one who couldn't see it though. Because even other friends saw too, not just my roommates.
Now, I suppose something had to trigger this. And I don't feel as though it was just this talking with other friends who were having troubles. I think there may be something deeper and more in the core of my being. Otherwise, I would at least like to think I would have noticed my change in attitude.
I have been trying to figure this out all night and day, since I spoke with my roommates last night, when I found out they were worried about me.
My roommates are an interesting bunch and have all their own personalities and traits. All of them have commonalities and difference with each of the others of us. I was with these same people since last year. I don't understand why or how I can get so upset with them like I did. I know they each have their flaws and I recognize those flaws in each of them. But is it really fair to get upset with someone based on their flaws, their innate qualities that make them who they are? No it really isn't. And if I get mad at someone based on something so stupid, how can I even be considered a friend? Isn't that exactly what a friend is supposed to NOT do?
So what is it that has caused me this frustration and anger that everyone is concerned about? I honestly can't say what exactly. I think it may just be the perfect storm of many things going wrong at the worst times. I think I may just need some time away. I think I need to focus on school like I always used to do and get my mind focused again on what is important. I need some time alone and time to just think. I don't do enough thinking about things that I used to think about. I am too bothered with what's going on at the loft or what's going on at the apartment. I think I need to get away from people and just be the old me again. Then and only then can I really be myself. I will no longer have doubts, I will no longer feel the need to impress or depend on or help anybody. I will focus on me.
If this plan ever comes to pass, maybe I will be able to try again. Try to start off on the right foot this time. Try to be the person that everyone else knew in Thayer and try to spread my time equally among all my friends.
I have hurt more people than I ever imagined in this past month. And for that I truly apologize. I really wish someone had told me sooner so that it didn't have to keep worrying all of you. I hope that everything can get better in the next few weeks. Again I apologize for everyone involved both directly and indirectly.
This is my life. These are my choices. What life do I live? One of many mistakes. One of hurt friends. One of anger and frustration. One of new beginnings. One of a hopeful future. One of great potential for growth. One that I can change whenever I want and for whatever reason I want. One of friends. One of family. One of companions. One of love. And one of gratitude.
Now I realize this probably sounds like a suicide note or something along those lines, but I assure you it isn't. Suicide is something that I see as worthless, being that I don't believe in an afterlife. So don't bother worrying about such unimportant things.
So what is the point of this life? We live on this place that we call earth. We were born into such as world as the one surrounding you now. Whether you like it or you hate it, you have to wonder, what does it all mean? Is there a point to it all?
Well these questions, I am learning currently, cannot be answered by anyone. They can only be answered by you. If you don't know who you are and who you want to be, then no one else can do it either.
My life at this point in time is wrapped in much confusion and contemplation about life. If you have read any of my recent posts, I'm sure you can garner that simple fact. I have been going through several things lately and I have been forced to really question what I want to do in life. What I am really about. What do I really want.
I have been thinking for weeks and I still have no answer. But first let's walk through my last few weeks, so I can attempt to show you my life.
As of several weeks ago, I can't even remember when because my days are just running together into weeks and weeks into months. Anyway, several weeks ago, some friends ran into an unbreakable barrier in a relationship and it had to come to an end. I think this may have been the start of my problems and everyone else's concern. But with this event many other things have happened. I had to drop one of my majors which I loved so much, I am getting lower and lower grades in my math class of all things. Friends are experiencing troubles amongst themselves and others, some friends are angry at others, some friends are just plain angry. Meanwhile I am sitting around, listening and soaking in frustration because as a person, I am a listener and a decent empathizer. I attempt to put other people's emotions on for myself as to show that I care and to see how they are truly feeling and dealing with things.
Well I think this somewhat started to backfire, when I would get back to my apartment from the loft. When I was there, the little I was there, I would apparently seem extremely angry with anyone and everyone. I would be snappy or tense or some other traits that are not very normal for me. The unfortunate part about all this is that I was completely unaware of this change that was happening. I was unable to really see what I was doing to my roommates. I was apparently the only one who couldn't see it though. Because even other friends saw too, not just my roommates.
Now, I suppose something had to trigger this. And I don't feel as though it was just this talking with other friends who were having troubles. I think there may be something deeper and more in the core of my being. Otherwise, I would at least like to think I would have noticed my change in attitude.
I have been trying to figure this out all night and day, since I spoke with my roommates last night, when I found out they were worried about me.
My roommates are an interesting bunch and have all their own personalities and traits. All of them have commonalities and difference with each of the others of us. I was with these same people since last year. I don't understand why or how I can get so upset with them like I did. I know they each have their flaws and I recognize those flaws in each of them. But is it really fair to get upset with someone based on their flaws, their innate qualities that make them who they are? No it really isn't. And if I get mad at someone based on something so stupid, how can I even be considered a friend? Isn't that exactly what a friend is supposed to NOT do?
So what is it that has caused me this frustration and anger that everyone is concerned about? I honestly can't say what exactly. I think it may just be the perfect storm of many things going wrong at the worst times. I think I may just need some time away. I think I need to focus on school like I always used to do and get my mind focused again on what is important. I need some time alone and time to just think. I don't do enough thinking about things that I used to think about. I am too bothered with what's going on at the loft or what's going on at the apartment. I think I need to get away from people and just be the old me again. Then and only then can I really be myself. I will no longer have doubts, I will no longer feel the need to impress or depend on or help anybody. I will focus on me.
If this plan ever comes to pass, maybe I will be able to try again. Try to start off on the right foot this time. Try to be the person that everyone else knew in Thayer and try to spread my time equally among all my friends.
I have hurt more people than I ever imagined in this past month. And for that I truly apologize. I really wish someone had told me sooner so that it didn't have to keep worrying all of you. I hope that everything can get better in the next few weeks. Again I apologize for everyone involved both directly and indirectly.
This is my life. These are my choices. What life do I live? One of many mistakes. One of hurt friends. One of anger and frustration. One of new beginnings. One of a hopeful future. One of great potential for growth. One that I can change whenever I want and for whatever reason I want. One of friends. One of family. One of companions. One of love. And one of gratitude.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Future and Past. What about Present?
This my life in a nutshell. The way I live and the things I do revolve completely around the future and the past. I am never quite as concerned with the present as I am with the others.
The past is something that was and it definitely existed. I like that. It is something concrete that I can think about. It is something that I can toy with and think "what if...". It is something that I can think about and regret and worship and laugh about and cry about all I want, but nothing ever changes. It is not something that I can change ever. And I know that. When I think about the past, I regret more than anything. And doing so, stresses me out because I think about what could have been.
The future is something very conceptual. I like that too. It is something that anyone can theorize about and never really be wrong. Not immediately at least. I can think about the future and what it holds all I want and never stop. However, then I really don't have much of a future now, do I? The future is planning for events and getting ready for things in the near and far future and planning my career and planning my family and planning my life in general. But what is the use? Why do we do this? Why do we waste our time when this moment could easily be our last?
The present. That is something I can't grasp. I am now nearing the age of 20 and I still can't say I even have close to a definition of what life is. At this time I have no reason to live other than my own volition. I really haven't found anything that I would die for without regrets. I haven't even figured out what I would like to do with my life, supposing I do live a full life. And none these things even have anything to do with the present. The present is something that is supposed to involve fun. People have fun during their lives. I don't do that. I have not even discovered what fun is.
Fun is something I don't understand. I do know that everyone has their own types of fun. But as I understand it, there are some universal forms of fun. Normal people enjoy parties and drinking and doing stupid things and enjoying themselves. As I have mentioned previously, I despise drinking and I refuse to do parties. I don't like being stupid because I have spent my life trying to be smart. I am not a risk taker. I don't want to do anything to put my future at risk. Hell, I don't even have the ability to get a girlfriend after all this time.
So where does all that leave me for the fun aspect of life? What is someone like me supposed to do when all my good friends around me enjoy everything I just listed and I very-near hate them for it? I am not able to enjoy myself when my friends are out doing the things that I hate for anyone to be doing. And there is no way in hell I will do it with them.
On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself. What if I were to enjoy something stupid? What if I were to be reckless once in my life? What then? The pressure to conform is so strong. It makes me want to so something for enjoyment purposes. But I have been so adamantly against them from the beginning. I don't want to be a hypocrite. But what if my mind was changed? What if all this time, I have been completely wrong about everything and everyone? And me? What if I have always been wrong about me?
My schoolwork runs my life. I do literally nothing but work all day everyday. I do love school, but everyone has their limits. Now, thinking ahead to my future, what will I tell my family, supposing I have one, when they ask about my college days? "I did lots of work. I worked all day everyday and I have nothing much to show for it." I will be such a bore. Scratch that, I am such a bore even now. I have never done anything interesting in my life.
All my friends have been somewhere in Europe at least once in their life. I just got off the east coast of the US for the first time ever this past summer. And that was for school related research!!!! What does that say?
And I know people will comment on this saying that I am interesting, but unless you bring up something really, really good, I won't believe you. I don't want you to prove me wrong, I want you to show me how to be something. So that I can prove whether I am right or wrong. It is my life and I need to make decisions. Which is really the point that brings this post to its completion, I have no reason to post this. I have to make the decisions in my life. I have to choose to change or not. And the fact that any of you are reading this at all is really pointless. If you do want to say something though, I won't ignore you. I do want help obviously. I wouldn't be posting anything I have posted or will post without reason. Thank you anyone who has read this or any of my posts. It is much appreciated.
The past is something that was and it definitely existed. I like that. It is something concrete that I can think about. It is something that I can toy with and think "what if...". It is something that I can think about and regret and worship and laugh about and cry about all I want, but nothing ever changes. It is not something that I can change ever. And I know that. When I think about the past, I regret more than anything. And doing so, stresses me out because I think about what could have been.
The future is something very conceptual. I like that too. It is something that anyone can theorize about and never really be wrong. Not immediately at least. I can think about the future and what it holds all I want and never stop. However, then I really don't have much of a future now, do I? The future is planning for events and getting ready for things in the near and far future and planning my career and planning my family and planning my life in general. But what is the use? Why do we do this? Why do we waste our time when this moment could easily be our last?
The present. That is something I can't grasp. I am now nearing the age of 20 and I still can't say I even have close to a definition of what life is. At this time I have no reason to live other than my own volition. I really haven't found anything that I would die for without regrets. I haven't even figured out what I would like to do with my life, supposing I do live a full life. And none these things even have anything to do with the present. The present is something that is supposed to involve fun. People have fun during their lives. I don't do that. I have not even discovered what fun is.
Fun is something I don't understand. I do know that everyone has their own types of fun. But as I understand it, there are some universal forms of fun. Normal people enjoy parties and drinking and doing stupid things and enjoying themselves. As I have mentioned previously, I despise drinking and I refuse to do parties. I don't like being stupid because I have spent my life trying to be smart. I am not a risk taker. I don't want to do anything to put my future at risk. Hell, I don't even have the ability to get a girlfriend after all this time.
So where does all that leave me for the fun aspect of life? What is someone like me supposed to do when all my good friends around me enjoy everything I just listed and I very-near hate them for it? I am not able to enjoy myself when my friends are out doing the things that I hate for anyone to be doing. And there is no way in hell I will do it with them.
On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself. What if I were to enjoy something stupid? What if I were to be reckless once in my life? What then? The pressure to conform is so strong. It makes me want to so something for enjoyment purposes. But I have been so adamantly against them from the beginning. I don't want to be a hypocrite. But what if my mind was changed? What if all this time, I have been completely wrong about everything and everyone? And me? What if I have always been wrong about me?
My schoolwork runs my life. I do literally nothing but work all day everyday. I do love school, but everyone has their limits. Now, thinking ahead to my future, what will I tell my family, supposing I have one, when they ask about my college days? "I did lots of work. I worked all day everyday and I have nothing much to show for it." I will be such a bore. Scratch that, I am such a bore even now. I have never done anything interesting in my life.
All my friends have been somewhere in Europe at least once in their life. I just got off the east coast of the US for the first time ever this past summer. And that was for school related research!!!! What does that say?
And I know people will comment on this saying that I am interesting, but unless you bring up something really, really good, I won't believe you. I don't want you to prove me wrong, I want you to show me how to be something. So that I can prove whether I am right or wrong. It is my life and I need to make decisions. Which is really the point that brings this post to its completion, I have no reason to post this. I have to make the decisions in my life. I have to choose to change or not. And the fact that any of you are reading this at all is really pointless. If you do want to say something though, I won't ignore you. I do want help obviously. I wouldn't be posting anything I have posted or will post without reason. Thank you anyone who has read this or any of my posts. It is much appreciated.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Atheism vs religiousness vs science
I feel as though lately, there has been a crossroad in my life that I have seen many times. I also feel as though some people have an idea that may be wrong both about me and some groups of people in general. This crossroad is that of atheism, science, and religiousness. What do I belief is true and why?
Well from past posts and from knowing me in person, like many of you do, you would probably guess that I am an atheist who doesn't think there is a god and doesn't believe in anything but science. I will respond by saying, somewhat.
First off, I want to start by saying atheism is a very strong and decisive word that describes a small group of people. It is the belief in nothing or the lack of beliefs at all. This is a very strong and honestly, to me, meaningless (dis)belief system. It makes life so much more monotonous and pointless. I understand skepticism and debatable ideas, but I can't say that I believe in nothing. I simply don't know anything. In my mind, belief and knowledge are two separate things.
This brings me to science. Yes I am a strongly scientific person. I am a post-Scientific Revolution and post-Enlightenment thinker. I belief in reason and understanding the world around us. That is who I have decided to me. This does not mean however that I don't believe or I don't leave room for belief in other things. There very well be a god or anything other being out there controlling our actions and making me write this post right now. Who can ever really know?
This leads into the concept of religion. I don't really have a set religion and I am happy about that. I am not being forced to close my mind to things that may or may not be true. I am thinking on my own and not worrying about the problems that some most likely, but still possibly, existent god may have with it. This gives me a better chance of seeing things for what they are and not what someone tells me that someone else said that god said. I do understand that religion is a safe haven for some people. It does help them understand their life and explain some things for them. I completely understand that, and I understand that because that is exactly what science is for me. Science is in part my religion. It is pretty much my belief system. I say "in part" and "pretty much" because there are some people who take this too strongly just as some religion fanatics take religion too strongly.
There are people in this world that are too close minded and myopic. They can't see something that is right in front of their faces. They are blindly faithful to things that are obviously not possible or true to others. This goes for people of religion and people of science and people of neither. This goes for me and you and everyone you and I know. Everyone on this earth is myopic to their own degree. Now the only resolution for this is looking at someone else and attempting to understand what they believe and why they believe it. As I mentioned before though, there are people who are too close minded. These are the people who don't believe anything unless it is purely _________________ (fill in the blank with whatever belief system you wish). There are people that believe everything in the book (quran, bible, torah, brief history of time) is true no matter what. And to be honest, none of them are completely 100% true. They are all beliefs. They are all some stuff people wrote down at some point and people are fallible as we all know.
So without going too much further, moral of the story: don't believe everything you see, try to understand other people's beliefs, don't be close minded, and figure out what you really want to believe. I won't even answer the original questions because they were intended for the reader, not me. Despite my biased writing, what do you believe? And why? Hope these at least get you thinking. That is all I ask.
Well from past posts and from knowing me in person, like many of you do, you would probably guess that I am an atheist who doesn't think there is a god and doesn't believe in anything but science. I will respond by saying, somewhat.
First off, I want to start by saying atheism is a very strong and decisive word that describes a small group of people. It is the belief in nothing or the lack of beliefs at all. This is a very strong and honestly, to me, meaningless (dis)belief system. It makes life so much more monotonous and pointless. I understand skepticism and debatable ideas, but I can't say that I believe in nothing. I simply don't know anything. In my mind, belief and knowledge are two separate things.
This brings me to science. Yes I am a strongly scientific person. I am a post-Scientific Revolution and post-Enlightenment thinker. I belief in reason and understanding the world around us. That is who I have decided to me. This does not mean however that I don't believe or I don't leave room for belief in other things. There very well be a god or anything other being out there controlling our actions and making me write this post right now. Who can ever really know?
This leads into the concept of religion. I don't really have a set religion and I am happy about that. I am not being forced to close my mind to things that may or may not be true. I am thinking on my own and not worrying about the problems that some most likely, but still possibly, existent god may have with it. This gives me a better chance of seeing things for what they are and not what someone tells me that someone else said that god said. I do understand that religion is a safe haven for some people. It does help them understand their life and explain some things for them. I completely understand that, and I understand that because that is exactly what science is for me. Science is in part my religion. It is pretty much my belief system. I say "in part" and "pretty much" because there are some people who take this too strongly just as some religion fanatics take religion too strongly.
There are people in this world that are too close minded and myopic. They can't see something that is right in front of their faces. They are blindly faithful to things that are obviously not possible or true to others. This goes for people of religion and people of science and people of neither. This goes for me and you and everyone you and I know. Everyone on this earth is myopic to their own degree. Now the only resolution for this is looking at someone else and attempting to understand what they believe and why they believe it. As I mentioned before though, there are people who are too close minded. These are the people who don't believe anything unless it is purely _________________ (fill in the blank with whatever belief system you wish). There are people that believe everything in the book (quran, bible, torah, brief history of time) is true no matter what. And to be honest, none of them are completely 100% true. They are all beliefs. They are all some stuff people wrote down at some point and people are fallible as we all know.
So without going too much further, moral of the story: don't believe everything you see, try to understand other people's beliefs, don't be close minded, and figure out what you really want to believe. I won't even answer the original questions because they were intended for the reader, not me. Despite my biased writing, what do you believe? And why? Hope these at least get you thinking. That is all I ask.
Monday, October 11, 2010
ESP and regrets
First post in awhile. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to finish my thoughts.
Last night (10/9/10) I got to go out with my former roommate and his girlfriend, who is also a good friend of mine, and a group of their friends. It was a good time at Eastern State Penitentiary and we then sat around and talked afterward. I was tired and mostly just listened to the conversations that happened (not that I am usually any different). I did input my thoughts on a few things that I was asked about but mostly sat silently trying not to fall into a deep sleep. I simply sat and observed. And tonight I am realizing just how out of place I really was.
I was with a group of people who have been friends for awhile. They all had their own memories and similar interests and inside jokes and other stuff like that. I am just tonight realizing that not only did I not fit in the group, but I never have fit into any kind of group like that. I never had a group of friends that had a bunch of stories and jokes and other little common interests. I have never once experienced this type of thing. Well I suppose since college started these types of bonds have started to form, but it just doesn't feel like the same thing.
I was the person when I was younger, and even until now, that would always prefer to be with one friend then any group of friends. I would rather focus all my efforts on one person than spread them amongst a large number of people. And tonight I have come to the idea that maybe it was the wrong path to choose.
Well it's now over a week later (10/18/10) and I guess I will continue from where I left off.
As I said, before college I never had the type of bonds that these friends had. And at this point in time I am not sure whether that was the correct choice for me. I mean I am who I am and I will always regret things I didn't do just because I am that person. However, I think I am disadvantaged in social environments because of these past choices.
When I was in high school, the only real conversation topic I talked about was school. "Hey Ashley, how did you feel about that math test?" or "Alex, did you finish your essay for English?". That is the only conversation I ever really had during the school day and once the school day ended, I dropped off the face of the earth.
For this reason, I never knew about any high school drama or anything like that, which is now in college a really common theme, and I never have good input.
I really don't know what else I can really talk about with regards to this topic. I am not in the same mood as I was last Sunday. I suppose I will just stop here. I hope to post something else later today or tomorrow. I'll see what I feel like then.
Last night (10/9/10) I got to go out with my former roommate and his girlfriend, who is also a good friend of mine, and a group of their friends. It was a good time at Eastern State Penitentiary and we then sat around and talked afterward. I was tired and mostly just listened to the conversations that happened (not that I am usually any different). I did input my thoughts on a few things that I was asked about but mostly sat silently trying not to fall into a deep sleep. I simply sat and observed. And tonight I am realizing just how out of place I really was.
I was with a group of people who have been friends for awhile. They all had their own memories and similar interests and inside jokes and other stuff like that. I am just tonight realizing that not only did I not fit in the group, but I never have fit into any kind of group like that. I never had a group of friends that had a bunch of stories and jokes and other little common interests. I have never once experienced this type of thing. Well I suppose since college started these types of bonds have started to form, but it just doesn't feel like the same thing.
I was the person when I was younger, and even until now, that would always prefer to be with one friend then any group of friends. I would rather focus all my efforts on one person than spread them amongst a large number of people. And tonight I have come to the idea that maybe it was the wrong path to choose.
Well it's now over a week later (10/18/10) and I guess I will continue from where I left off.
As I said, before college I never had the type of bonds that these friends had. And at this point in time I am not sure whether that was the correct choice for me. I mean I am who I am and I will always regret things I didn't do just because I am that person. However, I think I am disadvantaged in social environments because of these past choices.
When I was in high school, the only real conversation topic I talked about was school. "Hey Ashley, how did you feel about that math test?" or "Alex, did you finish your essay for English?". That is the only conversation I ever really had during the school day and once the school day ended, I dropped off the face of the earth.
For this reason, I never knew about any high school drama or anything like that, which is now in college a really common theme, and I never have good input.
I really don't know what else I can really talk about with regards to this topic. I am not in the same mood as I was last Sunday. I suppose I will just stop here. I hope to post something else later today or tomorrow. I'll see what I feel like then.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Recent Events
Well I haven't posted in quite a while. That is due to the excruciating schedule I am facing this semester of classes. I barely have a free moment to myself to relax, let alone write an entire post. So classes are pretty hard, I feel like I am falling behind, but the grades so far wouldn't suggest it. I just hope it stays that way. I'm thinking this week will be a bit less stressful because some stuff isn't happening this week that did last week. I figured I would just write some random stuff just to prove I haven't given up writing.
So as of right now classes are as follows: Astronomy, Multivariable Calculus, Physics II, Organic Chemistry, labs for both of those, and History. 19 credits is a much tougher load than anticipated. Either way I have to learn to keep up with it. To go along with this I am a line judge for the women's volleyball team, I tutor two nights a week, I am the fundraising chair of Engineers Without Borders, I am in Astronomy and Chemistry clubs, and I will be continuing research with one of my professors sometime this semester. So that is why I have been so busy, maybe you can understand.
Well life outside of classes and clubs has been rather interesting. We have had several incidents with friends and personal stuff. Don't really want to go into it because I don't care to embarrass anyone involved who may read this. However, it's all been sorted out I think and we are all good for the time being.
I really don't know what else to say. My mind is getting extremely sleepy, really fast. I think since I can go to bed at a decent time, I will. Good night.
So as of right now classes are as follows: Astronomy, Multivariable Calculus, Physics II, Organic Chemistry, labs for both of those, and History. 19 credits is a much tougher load than anticipated. Either way I have to learn to keep up with it. To go along with this I am a line judge for the women's volleyball team, I tutor two nights a week, I am the fundraising chair of Engineers Without Borders, I am in Astronomy and Chemistry clubs, and I will be continuing research with one of my professors sometime this semester. So that is why I have been so busy, maybe you can understand.
Well life outside of classes and clubs has been rather interesting. We have had several incidents with friends and personal stuff. Don't really want to go into it because I don't care to embarrass anyone involved who may read this. However, it's all been sorted out I think and we are all good for the time being.
I really don't know what else to say. My mind is getting extremely sleepy, really fast. I think since I can go to bed at a decent time, I will. Good night.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Critical thinking
Alright, well obviously due to recent events people are reading my posts and hating them because I am unable to deal with the things I post about. So I figured I would start critically analyzing myself and let you decide whether I am actually right in my thoughts or if I am still in denial.
The accusations are:
I am unable to accept flaws
I am insecure
I am socially inept
I have poor self control
Any others? If so let me know.
Moving on to my explanations.
I am unable to accept flaws. I hate being wrong. Almost more than anything else. I don't speak loudly when answering questions in class because I cannot be sure whether I am correct or not. I am quiet so that I don't have to risk that. I also hate making mistakes. And for this I will sometimes scapegoat. In this situation I can't accept that I was the one doing the harm in the relationship so I blame her. Is that not correct? I cannot say to myself that I am the bad person here. I am the evildoer in this friendship. Being wrong is a flaw of human nature. So I cannot accept flaws seems to be a completely logical statement in that example.
Now my explanation of the scapegoating is hopefully going to help explain it a bit. So I spend all of my free time thinking, as I think more people should do. I don't think you realize how much I thought over this particular incident. Morning, noon, and night for at least a continuous year, I thought of this. I spent a huge fraction of my life thinking about it and how it went wrong. And yes I have thought and believed that I was the one that did it. I still do believe that. These stories however seem the opposite way because these are the ones that I like to hear. The versions that give me a bit of peace of mind. That way when I come back to this later in life, I will be able to have a bit less regret for the whole incident. I went to my counselor at school weekly over this whole thing for months. I was in such a depressive state that she actually was fearful for me at the beginning. I truly believed this girl to be the one for me. I believed that more than anything. No I didn't believe it, I knew it. And knowing something, for me, is the biggest high in the world. It will not allow me to stop pursuing it. That is what drove my actions to the point of insanity. That is why things happened the way they did. I hope that if she reads this, it will explain it a bit more, not that there is any reason at all that she should read this. I know that I hurt her and I know that she never deserved such a betrayal. I regret everything I did and I really wish I could revoke it. That was by far the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forget it.
I hope that this explains everything. Why I did it? Why I continue to write about it? And why I am the way I am? See my mind is something that I have not learned to control. These stories and other posts started as a way to control my random thoughts. It turned into something used for pain.
I am insecure. Of course I am. I have many flaws. I am extremely secretive because of these flaws. My thoughts are something that I really don't feel great about. I have types of thoughts that some people can't even dream about. If I were to reveal all of my thoughts in a day, there would be a line of people to kill me. Some of my thoughts are things that are frowned upon by many. I am completely insecure with these thoughts. They are fairly disconcerting to my moral side. I am secretive with my actions as well. The thing that always pops into my mind first is what will people think when they realize what I am doing. This could be an action as simple as going to the bathroom or wearing different clothes. It doesn't even have to be a bad thing. I am completely insecure and I am able to admit that. I have been trying to do new things and I try to think other things than what people think. I am now much less ashamed by things. I now am able to make presentations without getting shaky and obsessively nervous beforehand. I am much better off than I was this time last year. I am even able to make a fool of myself. So insecurity is something I have been working on lately
I am socially inept. That is something that I have never been good with. I was a quiet child and I have been told by my parents that I only cried once in a while when I was little. I have always been a lonely quiet type. I only give my input when I am asked directly or it is necessary. I don't talk to people for fun, I usually only do it if I have a reason to talk to them. I am horrible at making small talk. I hate small talk for that reason. I am so inept I have never known anyone enough to go on a date. I have never been that close to anyone. So yes I know I am socially awkward. I have been trying to work on it, but it is almost two decades of work to make up for.
I have poor self control. I am going to say I have alright self control actually. I didn't in this situation. And I never should have lost my normal self control. I have said before that I thought she was the one. I also said how I never have been with anyone. These two things together lead to a person who has no idea what they are doing and trying to make someone love them. I was inexperienced in that case. When it comes to other things though I am usually very controlled. I almost never lose my cool. I lose it while playing videogames, but that is just out of fun usually. I am a person who has very few major cares. I am not offended or grossed-out or hurt by very much at all. I am able to think myself through most scenarios without letting my emotions get the best of me. It was just this case that I am not able to control myself.
Well I hope that will suffice for explanations of my flaws that were pointed out to me. I am able to see where you two, Caritus and no regrets, are able to get these. As you can see I have been trying to work on most of them as well. So I hope that you will not judge me too harshly now that you know me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in my stories. My apologies again.
The accusations are:
I am unable to accept flaws
I am insecure
I am socially inept
I have poor self control
Any others? If so let me know.
Moving on to my explanations.
I am unable to accept flaws. I hate being wrong. Almost more than anything else. I don't speak loudly when answering questions in class because I cannot be sure whether I am correct or not. I am quiet so that I don't have to risk that. I also hate making mistakes. And for this I will sometimes scapegoat. In this situation I can't accept that I was the one doing the harm in the relationship so I blame her. Is that not correct? I cannot say to myself that I am the bad person here. I am the evildoer in this friendship. Being wrong is a flaw of human nature. So I cannot accept flaws seems to be a completely logical statement in that example.
Now my explanation of the scapegoating is hopefully going to help explain it a bit. So I spend all of my free time thinking, as I think more people should do. I don't think you realize how much I thought over this particular incident. Morning, noon, and night for at least a continuous year, I thought of this. I spent a huge fraction of my life thinking about it and how it went wrong. And yes I have thought and believed that I was the one that did it. I still do believe that. These stories however seem the opposite way because these are the ones that I like to hear. The versions that give me a bit of peace of mind. That way when I come back to this later in life, I will be able to have a bit less regret for the whole incident. I went to my counselor at school weekly over this whole thing for months. I was in such a depressive state that she actually was fearful for me at the beginning. I truly believed this girl to be the one for me. I believed that more than anything. No I didn't believe it, I knew it. And knowing something, for me, is the biggest high in the world. It will not allow me to stop pursuing it. That is what drove my actions to the point of insanity. That is why things happened the way they did. I hope that if she reads this, it will explain it a bit more, not that there is any reason at all that she should read this. I know that I hurt her and I know that she never deserved such a betrayal. I regret everything I did and I really wish I could revoke it. That was by far the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forget it.
I hope that this explains everything. Why I did it? Why I continue to write about it? And why I am the way I am? See my mind is something that I have not learned to control. These stories and other posts started as a way to control my random thoughts. It turned into something used for pain.
I am insecure. Of course I am. I have many flaws. I am extremely secretive because of these flaws. My thoughts are something that I really don't feel great about. I have types of thoughts that some people can't even dream about. If I were to reveal all of my thoughts in a day, there would be a line of people to kill me. Some of my thoughts are things that are frowned upon by many. I am completely insecure with these thoughts. They are fairly disconcerting to my moral side. I am secretive with my actions as well. The thing that always pops into my mind first is what will people think when they realize what I am doing. This could be an action as simple as going to the bathroom or wearing different clothes. It doesn't even have to be a bad thing. I am completely insecure and I am able to admit that. I have been trying to do new things and I try to think other things than what people think. I am now much less ashamed by things. I now am able to make presentations without getting shaky and obsessively nervous beforehand. I am much better off than I was this time last year. I am even able to make a fool of myself. So insecurity is something I have been working on lately
I am socially inept. That is something that I have never been good with. I was a quiet child and I have been told by my parents that I only cried once in a while when I was little. I have always been a lonely quiet type. I only give my input when I am asked directly or it is necessary. I don't talk to people for fun, I usually only do it if I have a reason to talk to them. I am horrible at making small talk. I hate small talk for that reason. I am so inept I have never known anyone enough to go on a date. I have never been that close to anyone. So yes I know I am socially awkward. I have been trying to work on it, but it is almost two decades of work to make up for.
I have poor self control. I am going to say I have alright self control actually. I didn't in this situation. And I never should have lost my normal self control. I have said before that I thought she was the one. I also said how I never have been with anyone. These two things together lead to a person who has no idea what they are doing and trying to make someone love them. I was inexperienced in that case. When it comes to other things though I am usually very controlled. I almost never lose my cool. I lose it while playing videogames, but that is just out of fun usually. I am a person who has very few major cares. I am not offended or grossed-out or hurt by very much at all. I am able to think myself through most scenarios without letting my emotions get the best of me. It was just this case that I am not able to control myself.
Well I hope that will suffice for explanations of my flaws that were pointed out to me. I am able to see where you two, Caritus and no regrets, are able to get these. As you can see I have been trying to work on most of them as well. So I hope that you will not judge me too harshly now that you know me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in my stories. My apologies again.
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