This is the question that I posed when I started this blog, hence the url. Well this is the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been wondering about humans in general, and me specifically. Why do we live this life? What is the reason? And why bother? What is the point?
Now I realize this probably sounds like a suicide note or something along those lines, but I assure you it isn't. Suicide is something that I see as worthless, being that I don't believe in an afterlife. So don't bother worrying about such unimportant things.
So what is the point of this life? We live on this place that we call earth. We were born into such as world as the one surrounding you now. Whether you like it or you hate it, you have to wonder, what does it all mean? Is there a point to it all?
Well these questions, I am learning currently, cannot be answered by anyone. They can only be answered by you. If you don't know who you are and who you want to be, then no one else can do it either.
My life at this point in time is wrapped in much confusion and contemplation about life. If you have read any of my recent posts, I'm sure you can garner that simple fact. I have been going through several things lately and I have been forced to really question what I want to do in life. What I am really about. What do I really want.
I have been thinking for weeks and I still have no answer. But first let's walk through my last few weeks, so I can attempt to show you my life.
As of several weeks ago, I can't even remember when because my days are just running together into weeks and weeks into months. Anyway, several weeks ago, some friends ran into an unbreakable barrier in a relationship and it had to come to an end. I think this may have been the start of my problems and everyone else's concern. But with this event many other things have happened. I had to drop one of my majors which I loved so much, I am getting lower and lower grades in my math class of all things. Friends are experiencing troubles amongst themselves and others, some friends are angry at others, some friends are just plain angry. Meanwhile I am sitting around, listening and soaking in frustration because as a person, I am a listener and a decent empathizer. I attempt to put other people's emotions on for myself as to show that I care and to see how they are truly feeling and dealing with things.
Well I think this somewhat started to backfire, when I would get back to my apartment from the loft. When I was there, the little I was there, I would apparently seem extremely angry with anyone and everyone. I would be snappy or tense or some other traits that are not very normal for me. The unfortunate part about all this is that I was completely unaware of this change that was happening. I was unable to really see what I was doing to my roommates. I was apparently the only one who couldn't see it though. Because even other friends saw too, not just my roommates.
Now, I suppose something had to trigger this. And I don't feel as though it was just this talking with other friends who were having troubles. I think there may be something deeper and more in the core of my being. Otherwise, I would at least like to think I would have noticed my change in attitude.
I have been trying to figure this out all night and day, since I spoke with my roommates last night, when I found out they were worried about me.
My roommates are an interesting bunch and have all their own personalities and traits. All of them have commonalities and difference with each of the others of us. I was with these same people since last year. I don't understand why or how I can get so upset with them like I did. I know they each have their flaws and I recognize those flaws in each of them. But is it really fair to get upset with someone based on their flaws, their innate qualities that make them who they are? No it really isn't. And if I get mad at someone based on something so stupid, how can I even be considered a friend? Isn't that exactly what a friend is supposed to NOT do?
So what is it that has caused me this frustration and anger that everyone is concerned about? I honestly can't say what exactly. I think it may just be the perfect storm of many things going wrong at the worst times. I think I may just need some time away. I think I need to focus on school like I always used to do and get my mind focused again on what is important. I need some time alone and time to just think. I don't do enough thinking about things that I used to think about. I am too bothered with what's going on at the loft or what's going on at the apartment. I think I need to get away from people and just be the old me again. Then and only then can I really be myself. I will no longer have doubts, I will no longer feel the need to impress or depend on or help anybody. I will focus on me.
If this plan ever comes to pass, maybe I will be able to try again. Try to start off on the right foot this time. Try to be the person that everyone else knew in Thayer and try to spread my time equally among all my friends.
I have hurt more people than I ever imagined in this past month. And for that I truly apologize. I really wish someone had told me sooner so that it didn't have to keep worrying all of you. I hope that everything can get better in the next few weeks. Again I apologize for everyone involved both directly and indirectly.
This is my life. These are my choices. What life do I live? One of many mistakes. One of hurt friends. One of anger and frustration. One of new beginnings. One of a hopeful future. One of great potential for growth. One that I can change whenever I want and for whatever reason I want. One of friends. One of family. One of companions. One of love. And one of gratitude.