Thursday, December 16, 2010

I'm still learning

Well yet another lesson has been learned. So many lesson are to be learned in this life. I am really starting to realize that. It is strange how we can learn things. Just to give some perspective on the strangeness of the timing of this realization. I was heading to the bathroom tonight and a thought popped into my head about a conversation I was listening to some friends having about a week and a half ago. Yeah I know, what an extremely delayed reaction, right?

Anyway. On to the lesson. Two friends and I were walking back from dropping off another friend at the gym for her soccer game. They were discussing needing to fit the gym in their schedule and needing to work out more. I didn't get involved because I have a completely different mindset, I have no real desire to keep in shape, although it seems like society prefers people who do sometimes. Anyway, they were discussing this and in my head I was thinking, "Why? That's such a waste of energy and why do something that you obviously don't want to do?"

Well then one and a half weeks go by and I need to use the bathroom and all of a sudden this conversation enters my brain, and I have an epiphany. I realized they don't do it for no reason. They do it because it's good, they do it because they want to be healthy and this is the way that they can do it. Ok, so that isn't much of a realization. However, I did realize something about myself. They are willing to do this because they have to discipline to do it. They are willing to do something they don't want to do in order to, in the end, get something they do want.

The following list of thoughts all came out, in a very unordered way and I don't feel like sorting through it, so take it as you please:

And I realized that I am not like that. I am a spoiled person. I don't do things outside the realm of what was given to me. By this I mean that I have grown into a person with certain abilities. I am good at school for example. Thus I don't care to do anything major with my life but go to school. I do things that come easy to me and I don't challenge myself enough. I am basically a naive, inexperienced child when it comes to doing things.

I am a person who wants something at one time and does whatever leads to that goal. I don't really look at the future too much. This could be one of the major reasons that I have no idea what I want to do in my future. I have not really thought about that far in the future yet.

I am a person who does things that I am comfortable with. I don't try to expand myself and I don't try to go out of the comfort zone. This is the person I am socially and mentally as well.

I don't know if any of that made sense. I just wanted to get it all down before I lost it all. I don't even remember all that I wrote or if it was everything. I will just stop there, I don't have the mindset anymore to write more. Goodnight.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


What is the reason for anger? Why do we experience such a heinous emotion? Everyone does. So why? Is there some evolutionary or biological reason for it? Is there any way to stop it? Is there any way to control it?

I have been a very angry person lately. I have wasted an entire day being angry. Just to find out that there is really no reason for it. Even as I write this I am still partially angry at some people I know and for reasons that, really, I have no business worrying about. It doesn't pertain to me and it doesn't actually affect my life at all. So why am I angry?

I personally am angry because some people just don't think. They don't listen to those who care about them. Some don't even listen to themselves. Some are just idiots, others aren't but still act like it. So again, why am I mad?

I really can't explain why I am so angry. I guess it is because these people are friends. I hold them to the standards I hold myself to.

I guess I just hate to see them messing up their lives and being such idiots. I always feel as though I should tell them, but I know as soon as I do they will just become angry with me for not minding my own business. I don't want that tension. In my mind, bottling up anger and frustration is much easier than losing a friend, or even upsetting a friend. I have handled my emotions all my life this way, but friends in my life come very sparsely and I need them to last.

Or maybe that last paragraph is just a load of crap, and I just don't like other people having fun. Maybe that's what it is. I already know that I can't have fun, so maybe if my friends don't have fun than I'll be happier. Perhaps my mind is really that selfish. I don't know.

Anyway, back to the real issue. Why is there anger in this world? What is the central cause for it? Some people lose things and become angry, some people simply become upset, some people don't experience any emotion at all. Why is there such a difference among people? And there are different degrees of anger. There are violent, screaming, subtle, and so many other ways that people experience anger.

I suppose our environment when we are younger gives us much of the general reaction to anger. If your parents curse and shout when they are angry, then likely you too will do that. If you grow up in a house of beatings and physical punishment, then you likely will do that as well when older. Well assuming that explains every case, which it most certainly doesn't, then why did anger develop in the first place?

Why are people so angry? Some people get angry at everything. Why is this? Is there just some cosmic balance that says that some people have to be angry all the time? I personally don't believe that even though it is really easy to say. So scientifically, why is this?

Well I suppose early species got angry at others because of territory. Territory fights are very common among all species, not excluding humans, even now. Well considering this, why still did these species get angry?

Ok well let's think about modern day occurrences... What are the alternatives? Happiness, sadness, apathy, etc. So why wouldn't we experience these other emotions? Well happiness is a raising of the morale level, it is the mood that hopefully most enjoy. Why wouldn't we experience this? Well the losing of something important, for example, doesn't usually make beings happy; they usually obtained it through some effort or work. Thus they have an important connection to it. Thus lowing this object would cause a large amount of stress to build. This is why happiness does not occur. So why can't more people just simply become sad when they lose objects?

So sadness is, like anger, a lowering of morale due to increase in stress usually. What really is the separation between sadness and anger? I personally tend to experience both together. So what about those occasions when only one occurs? Perhaps this is a result of chemicals in the brain. Perhaps anger and sadness are both set off by different chemicals which are given off in different amounts in different people depending on genes and other influences. (By the way, yes, I realize I am not really being scientific here. I am simply coming up with completely unsubstantiated hypotheses. But if you have ever read any of my posts in the past, you will probably realize I do that a lot.) If this is true then maybe similar amounts of stress in different people could cause such different responses in people who experience similar situations. I think I will just stick with this answer for now. I really don't feel like researching anything right now and I don't plan to do anything relating to psychology in the future.

So we have pseudo-determined why we experience anger in these situations. How can we control it? I have no idea. I haven't learned how, other than to not have anger. And I haven't figured out how to do that either, at least not with things that actually anger me. I am relatively apathetic to most things, this is probably one of the reasons that when I am angry people around me know it.

So how does any of this explain what I have gone through today? Well this experience has caused me stress obviously assuming our explanation is correct. So why was I stressed? Because I wasn't listened to, because I care so much about these people? I suppose that makes sense. But why then did these cause me so much stress as to create anger? Well I guess my stress level has been relatively elevated lately. Perhaps it was just pushed beyond its limit. Perhaps it is because I care so greatly for these friends that is amplifies the amount of stress posed by their smallest of errors in judgment according to my mind.

I'll be honest I am going with all of the above just because I feel like leaving it alone now. My mind over the course of writing this has settled to a much lower level of stress and I am feeling much better. This was the true plan for this post. I wanted to test whether it was actually true or not that I use this to blow off steam. I was right, who would have thought.

Well whoever read this, my apologies again for wasting your time and quite possibly depressing you. My way of coping is to explain everything to myself, if you can't deal with it, don't read. Simple as that. Thanks to those who do continue to read though. It means a great deal.

I actually wouldn't mind writing more often about things other than myself, so if anyone wishes to suggest anything that will be easy enough to write about, please let me know. Well adios.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What is this life we live?

This is the question that I posed when I started this blog, hence the url. Well this is the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been wondering about humans in general, and me specifically. Why do we live this life? What is the reason? And why bother? What is the point?

Now I realize this probably sounds like a suicide note or something along those lines, but I assure you it isn't. Suicide is something that I see as worthless, being that I don't believe in an afterlife. So don't bother worrying about such unimportant things.

So what is the point of this life? We live on this place that we call earth. We were born into such as world as the one surrounding you now. Whether you like it or you hate it, you have to wonder, what does it all mean? Is there a point to it all?

Well these questions, I am learning currently, cannot be answered by anyone. They can only be answered by you. If you don't know who you are and who you want to be, then no one else can do it either.

My life at this point in time is wrapped in much confusion and contemplation about life. If you have read any of my recent posts, I'm sure you can garner that simple fact. I have been going through several things lately and I have been forced to really question what I want to do in life. What I am really about. What do I really want.

I have been thinking for weeks and I still have no answer. But first let's walk through my last few weeks, so I can attempt to show you my life.

As of several weeks ago, I can't even remember when because my days are just running together into weeks and weeks into months. Anyway, several weeks ago, some friends ran into an unbreakable barrier in a relationship and it had to come to an end. I think this may have been the start of my problems and everyone else's concern. But with this event many other things have happened. I had to drop one of my majors which I loved so much, I am getting lower and lower grades in my math class of all things. Friends are experiencing troubles amongst themselves and others, some friends are angry at others, some friends are just plain angry. Meanwhile I am sitting around, listening and soaking in frustration because as a person, I am a listener and a decent empathizer. I attempt to put other people's emotions on for myself as to show that I care and to see how they are truly feeling and dealing with things.

Well I think this somewhat started to backfire, when I would get back to my apartment from the loft. When I was there, the little I was there, I would apparently seem extremely angry with anyone and everyone. I would be snappy or tense or some other traits that are not very normal for me. The unfortunate part about all this is that I was completely unaware of this change that was happening. I was unable to really see what I was doing to my roommates. I was apparently the only one who couldn't see it though. Because even other friends saw too, not just my roommates.

Now, I suppose something had to trigger this. And I don't feel as though it was just this talking with other friends who were having troubles. I think there may be something deeper and more in the core of my being. Otherwise, I would at least like to think I would have noticed my change in attitude.

I have been trying to figure this out all night and day, since I spoke with my roommates last night, when I found out they were worried about me.

My roommates are an interesting bunch and have all their own personalities and traits. All of them have commonalities and difference with each of the others of us. I was with these same people since last year. I don't understand why or how I can get so upset with them like I did. I know they each have their flaws and I recognize those flaws in each of them. But is it really fair to get upset with someone based on their flaws, their innate qualities that make them who they are? No it really isn't. And if I get mad at someone based on something so stupid, how can I even be considered a friend? Isn't that exactly what a friend is supposed to NOT do?

So what is it that has caused me this frustration and anger that everyone is concerned about? I honestly can't say what exactly. I think it may just be the perfect storm of many things going wrong at the worst times. I think I may just need some time away. I think I need to focus on school like I always used to do and get my mind focused again on what is important. I need some time alone and time to just think. I don't do enough thinking about things that I used to think about. I am too bothered with what's going on at the loft or what's going on at the apartment. I think I need to get away from people and just be the old me again. Then and only then can I really be myself. I will no longer have doubts, I will no longer feel the need to impress or depend on or help anybody. I will focus on me.

If this plan ever comes to pass, maybe I will be able to try again. Try to start off on the right foot this time. Try to be the person that everyone else knew in Thayer and try to spread my time equally among all my friends.

I have hurt more people than I ever imagined in this past month. And for that I truly apologize. I really wish someone had told me sooner so that it didn't have to keep worrying all of you. I hope that everything can get better in the next few weeks. Again I apologize for everyone involved both directly and indirectly.

This is my life. These are my choices. What life do I live? One of many mistakes. One of hurt friends. One of anger and frustration. One of new beginnings. One of a hopeful future. One of great potential for growth. One that I can change whenever I want and for whatever reason I want. One of friends. One of family. One of companions. One of love. And one of gratitude.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Future and Past. What about Present?

This my life in a nutshell. The way I live and the things I do revolve completely around the future and the past. I am never quite as concerned with the present as I am with the others.

The past is something that was and it definitely existed. I like that. It is something concrete that I can think about. It is something that I can toy with and think "what if...". It is something that I can think about and regret and worship and laugh about and cry about all I want, but nothing ever changes. It is not something that I can change ever. And I know that. When I think about the past, I regret more than anything. And doing so, stresses me out because I think about what could have been.

The future is something very conceptual. I like that too. It is something that anyone can theorize about and never really be wrong. Not immediately at least. I can think about the future and what it holds all I want and never stop. However, then I really don't have much of a future now, do I? The future is planning for events and getting ready for things in the near and far future and planning my career and planning my family and planning my life in general. But what is the use? Why do we do this? Why do we waste our time when this moment could easily be our last?

The present. That is something I can't grasp. I am now nearing the age of 20 and I still can't say I even have close to a definition of what life is. At this time I have no reason to live other than my own volition. I really haven't found anything that I would die for without regrets. I haven't even figured out what I would like to do with my life, supposing I do live a full life. And none these things even have anything to do with the present. The present is something that is supposed to involve fun. People have fun during their lives. I don't do that. I have not even discovered what fun is.

Fun is something I don't understand. I do know that everyone has their own types of fun. But as I understand it, there are some universal forms of fun. Normal people enjoy parties and drinking and doing stupid things and enjoying themselves. As I have mentioned previously, I despise drinking and I refuse to do parties. I don't like being stupid because I have spent my life trying to be smart. I am not a risk taker. I don't want to do anything to put my future at risk. Hell, I don't even have the ability to get a girlfriend after all this time.

So where does all that leave me for the fun aspect of life? What is someone like me supposed to do when all my good friends around me enjoy everything I just listed and I very-near hate them for it? I am not able to enjoy myself when my friends are out doing the things that I hate for anyone to be doing. And there is no way in hell I will do it with them.

On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself. What if I were to enjoy something stupid? What if I were to be reckless once in my life? What then? The pressure to conform is so strong. It makes me want to so something for enjoyment purposes. But I have been so adamantly against them from the beginning. I don't want to be a hypocrite. But what if my mind was changed? What if all this time, I have been completely wrong about everything and everyone? And me? What if I have always been wrong about me?

My schoolwork runs my life. I do literally nothing but work all day everyday. I do love school, but everyone has their limits. Now, thinking ahead to my future, what will I tell my family, supposing I have one, when they ask about my college days? "I did lots of work. I worked all day everyday and I have nothing much to show for it." I will be such a bore. Scratch that, I am such a bore even now. I have never done anything interesting in my life.

All my friends have been somewhere in Europe at least once in their life. I just got off the east coast of the US for the first time ever this past summer. And that was for school related research!!!! What does that say?

And I know people will comment on this saying that I am interesting, but unless you bring up something really, really good, I won't believe you. I don't want you to prove me wrong, I want you to show me how to be something. So that I can prove whether I am right or wrong. It is my life and I need to make decisions. Which is really the point that brings this post to its completion, I have no reason to post this. I have to make the decisions in my life. I have to choose to change or not. And the fact that any of you are reading this at all is really pointless. If you do want to say something though, I won't ignore you. I do want help obviously. I wouldn't be posting anything I have posted or will post without reason. Thank you anyone who has read this or any of my posts. It is much appreciated.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Atheism vs religiousness vs science

I feel as though lately, there has been a crossroad in my life that I have seen many times. I also feel as though some people have an idea that may be wrong both about me and some groups of people in general. This crossroad is that of atheism, science, and religiousness. What do I belief is true and why?

Well from past posts and from knowing me in person, like many of you do, you would probably guess that I am an atheist who doesn't think there is a god and doesn't believe in anything but science. I will respond by saying, somewhat.

First off, I want to start by saying atheism is a very strong and decisive word that describes a small group of people. It is the belief in nothing or the lack of beliefs at all. This is a very strong and honestly, to me, meaningless (dis)belief system. It makes life so much more monotonous and pointless. I understand skepticism and debatable ideas, but I can't say that I believe in nothing. I simply don't know anything. In my mind, belief and knowledge are two separate things.

This brings me to science. Yes I am a strongly scientific person. I am a post-Scientific Revolution and post-Enlightenment thinker. I belief in reason and understanding the world around us. That is who I have decided to me. This does not mean however that I don't believe or I don't leave room for belief in other things. There very well be a god or anything other being out there controlling our actions and making me write this post right now. Who can ever really know?

This leads into the concept of religion. I don't really have a set religion and I am happy about that. I am not being forced to close my mind to things that may or may not be true. I am thinking on my own and not worrying about the problems that some most likely, but still possibly, existent god may have with it. This gives me a better chance of seeing things for what they are and not what someone tells me that someone else said that god said. I do understand that religion is a safe haven for some people. It does help them understand their life and explain some things for them. I completely understand that, and I understand that because that is exactly what science is for me. Science is in part my religion. It is pretty much my belief system. I say "in part" and "pretty much" because there are some people who take this too strongly just as some religion fanatics take religion too strongly.

There are people in this world that are too close minded and myopic. They can't see something that is right in front of their faces. They are blindly faithful to things that are obviously not possible or true to others. This goes for people of religion and people of science and people of neither. This goes for me and you and everyone you and I know. Everyone on this earth is myopic to their own degree. Now the only resolution for this is looking at someone else and attempting to understand what they believe and why they believe it. As I mentioned before though, there are people who are too close minded. These are the people who don't believe anything unless it is purely _________________ (fill in the blank with whatever belief system you wish). There are people that believe everything in the book (quran, bible, torah, brief history of time) is true no matter what. And to be honest, none of them are completely 100% true. They are all beliefs. They are all some stuff people wrote down at some point and people are fallible as we all know.

So without going too much further, moral of the story: don't believe everything you see, try to understand other people's beliefs, don't be close minded, and figure out what you really want to believe. I won't even answer the original questions because they were intended for the reader, not me. Despite my biased writing, what do you believe? And why? Hope these at least get you thinking. That is all I ask.

Monday, October 11, 2010

ESP and regrets

First post in awhile. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to finish my thoughts.

Last night (10/9/10) I got to go out with my former roommate and his girlfriend, who is also a good friend of mine, and a group of their friends. It was a good time at Eastern State Penitentiary and we then sat around and talked afterward. I was tired and mostly just listened to the conversations that happened (not that I am usually any different). I did input my thoughts on a few things that I was asked about but mostly sat silently trying not to fall into a deep sleep. I simply sat and observed. And tonight I am realizing just how out of place I really was.

I was with a group of people who have been friends for awhile. They all had their own memories and similar interests and inside jokes and other stuff like that. I am just tonight realizing that not only did I not fit in the group, but I never have fit into any kind of group like that. I never had a group of friends that had a bunch of stories and jokes and other little common interests. I have never once experienced this type of thing. Well I suppose since college started these types of bonds have started to form, but it just doesn't feel like the same thing.

I was the person when I was younger, and even until now, that would always prefer to be with one friend then any group of friends. I would rather focus all my efforts on one person than spread them amongst a large number of people. And tonight I have come to the idea that maybe it was the wrong path to choose.

Well it's now over a week later (10/18/10) and I guess I will continue from where I left off.

As I said, before college I never had the type of bonds that these friends had. And at this point in time I am not sure whether that was the correct choice for me. I mean I am who I am and I will always regret things I didn't do just because I am that person. However, I think I am disadvantaged in social environments because of these past choices.

When I was in high school, the only real conversation topic I talked about was school. "Hey Ashley, how did you feel about that math test?" or "Alex, did you finish your essay for English?". That is the only conversation I ever really had during the school day and once the school day ended, I dropped off the face of the earth.

For this reason, I never knew about any high school drama or anything like that, which is now in college a really common theme, and I never have good input.

I really don't know what else I can really talk about with regards to this topic. I am not in the same mood as I was last Sunday. I suppose I will just stop here. I hope to post something else later today or tomorrow. I'll see what I feel like then.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Recent Events

Well I haven't posted in quite a while. That is due to the excruciating schedule I am facing this semester of classes. I barely have a free moment to myself to relax, let alone write an entire post. So classes are pretty hard, I feel like I am falling behind, but the grades so far wouldn't suggest it. I just hope it stays that way. I'm thinking this week will be a bit less stressful because some stuff isn't happening this week that did last week. I figured I would just write some random stuff just to prove I haven't given up writing.

So as of right now classes are as follows: Astronomy, Multivariable Calculus, Physics II, Organic Chemistry, labs for both of those, and History. 19 credits is a much tougher load than anticipated. Either way I have to learn to keep up with it. To go along with this I am a line judge for the women's volleyball team, I tutor two nights a week, I am the fundraising chair of Engineers Without Borders, I am in Astronomy and Chemistry clubs, and I will be continuing research with one of my professors sometime this semester. So that is why I have been so busy, maybe you can understand.

Well life outside of classes and clubs has been rather interesting. We have had several incidents with friends and personal stuff. Don't really want to go into it because I don't care to embarrass anyone involved who may read this. However, it's all been sorted out I think and we are all good for the time being.

I really don't know what else to say. My mind is getting extremely sleepy, really fast. I think since I can go to bed at a decent time, I will. Good night.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Critical thinking

Alright, well obviously due to recent events people are reading my posts and hating them because I am unable to deal with the things I post about. So I figured I would start critically analyzing myself and let you decide whether I am actually right in my thoughts or if I am still in denial.

The accusations are:
I am unable to accept flaws
I am insecure
I am socially inept
I have poor self control

Any others? If so let me know.

Moving on to my explanations.
I am unable to accept flaws. I hate being wrong. Almost more than anything else. I don't speak loudly when answering questions in class because I cannot be sure whether I am correct or not. I am quiet so that I don't have to risk that. I also hate making mistakes. And for this I will sometimes scapegoat. In this situation I can't accept that I was the one doing the harm in the relationship so I blame her. Is that not correct? I cannot say to myself that I am the bad person here. I am the evildoer in this friendship. Being wrong is a flaw of human nature. So I cannot accept flaws seems to be a completely logical statement in that example.

Now my explanation of the scapegoating is hopefully going to help explain it a bit. So I spend all of my free time thinking, as I think more people should do. I don't think you realize how much I thought over this particular incident. Morning, noon, and night for at least a continuous year, I thought of this. I spent a huge fraction of my life thinking about it and how it went wrong. And yes I have thought and believed that I was the one that did it. I still do believe that. These stories however seem the opposite way because these are the ones that I like to hear. The versions that give me a bit of peace of mind. That way when I come back to this later in life, I will be able to have a bit less regret for the whole incident. I went to my counselor at school weekly over this whole thing for months. I was in such a depressive state that she actually was fearful for me at the beginning. I truly believed this girl to be the one for me. I believed that more than anything. No I didn't believe it, I knew it. And knowing something, for me, is the biggest high in the world. It will not allow me to stop pursuing it. That is what drove my actions to the point of insanity. That is why things happened the way they did. I hope that if she reads this, it will explain it a bit more, not that there is any reason at all that she should read this. I know that I hurt her and I know that she never deserved such a betrayal. I regret everything I did and I really wish I could revoke it. That was by far the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forget it.

I hope that this explains everything. Why I did it? Why I continue to write about it? And why I am the way I am? See my mind is something that I have not learned to control. These stories and other posts started as a way to control my random thoughts. It turned into something used for pain.

I am insecure. Of course I am. I have many flaws. I am extremely secretive because of these flaws. My thoughts are something that I really don't feel great about. I have types of thoughts that some people can't even dream about. If I were to reveal all of my thoughts in a day, there would be a line of people to kill me. Some of my thoughts are things that are frowned upon by many. I am completely insecure with these thoughts. They are fairly disconcerting to my moral side. I am secretive with my actions as well. The thing that always pops into my mind first is what will people think when they realize what I am doing. This could be an action as simple as going to the bathroom or wearing different clothes. It doesn't even have to be a bad thing. I am completely insecure and I am able to admit that. I have been trying to do new things and I try to think other things than what people think. I am now much less ashamed by things. I now am able to make presentations without getting shaky and obsessively nervous beforehand. I am much better off than I was this time last year. I am even able to make a fool of myself. So insecurity is something I have been working on lately

I am socially inept. That is something that I have never been good with. I was a quiet child and I have been told by my parents that I only cried once in a while when I was little. I have always been a lonely quiet type. I only give my input when I am asked directly or it is necessary. I don't talk to people for fun, I usually only do it if I have a reason to talk to them. I am horrible at making small talk. I hate small talk for that reason. I am so inept I have never known anyone enough to go on a date. I have never been that close to anyone. So yes I know I am socially awkward. I have been trying to work on it, but it is almost two decades of work to make up for.

I have poor self control. I am going to say I have alright self control actually. I didn't in this situation. And I never should have lost my normal self control. I have said before that I thought she was the one. I also said how I never have been with anyone. These two things together lead to a person who has no idea what they are doing and trying to make someone love them. I was inexperienced in that case. When it comes to other things though I am usually very controlled. I almost never lose my cool. I lose it while playing videogames, but that is just out of fun usually. I am a person who has very few major cares. I am not offended or grossed-out or hurt by very much at all. I am able to think myself through most scenarios without letting my emotions get the best of me. It was just this case that I am not able to control myself.

Well I hope that will suffice for explanations of my flaws that were pointed out to me. I am able to see where you two, Caritus and no regrets, are able to get these. As you can see I have been trying to work on most of them as well. So I hope that you will not judge me too harshly now that you know me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in my stories. My apologies again.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I am going to use this post to apologize for the last few days. I am going to try to be bigger than I am. The two responses I got to the previous post have actually gotten to me. I have spent the last hour or so reading old emails from the girl that I keep writing about.

I am realizing how much I really messed up. Both the relationship and the last few days. My last post/comments were completely uncalled for. I wrote them while in a mood that was not exactly stable, it started with self pity and ended with anger. No one deserves that type of response from a simple caring comment. I do realize that it is already out there and I am not going to take it off the blog just so this post still maintains its meaning long after this incident cools down.

First Caritus:
I apologize for offending you so greatly. It is something that I never intended to do. I never wanted to hurt anyone I just wanted to tell my side of the story. I don't know why I focus on this as much as I do, but I do. And that is who I am and it won't ever change. I cannot unfortunately apologize for this fact though. I cannot apologize for who I am. If someone apologizes for who they are, they do not deserve to be that person. I believe that. As I said in the comment, I do torture myself. I do that as part of my character. I don't understand it. I think it is some sort of abnormal psychological function that I face without knowing the mechanism for it. I just refer to it as emotional masochism. I don't think it is healthy but I do it regardless. I fill some unconscious need in doing these things. It sounds stupid but I just follow my instincts. I don't know if there is anything else I need to apologize for but if so please inform me. You always have had the best analogies old friend.

Next no regrets:
I am sorry for my response. I admit that my response to your comment was extremely angry. I made it in a fit of rage as soon as I got it. I know it isn't right and I am sorry for that. It did really hit me close to home. I am not a person to get angry often at all. It was weird thinking about it after the fact. I felt bad. I again am sorry for offending you. I do promise that I am a very open minded person. I accept people easier than some people do. I am trying to experience all aspects of life that others experience. I actually hope that I will be able to see the outside of the US by next year for the first time. I hope that you actually will give me suggestions on what to write about in the future. You can even play devil's advocate if you wish. I love thought debates. They are so intriguing to me. If only you promise to be as open minded as you are trying to show me to be.

Well I guess I will take this time to thank the both of you for doing this. It was a swift "mental kick in the ass" as Caritus put it. I thank you both and I will try and continue your suggestions. I hope that you will continue the responses to my posts as to keep me in line in the future. Thanks again and my apologies again.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Recent thoughts on my past

I am currently in bed attempting to go to sleep. I for whatever reason have been thinking a lot about my past "love". I really don't know why. But I can't sleep and I figured I would blog about her. I guess I probably never really talked about her much as a person, but mostly about her as an object of my affection. So that is my plan for this post.

She was a person with a very rough childhood. I learned this only after obtaining an immense amount of trust, so I won't give many details out of respect for her. When I met her in the second grade she had one last name. That was apparently her second by that time. By fifth grade, she had another different last name. As of now that is her official last name but judging from recent events, that will probably not last much longer. She has quite a good situation going for her, I am not going to talk about it though because it will just end up not allowing me to sleep even more. Anyway so if you didn't guess by the time she was in fifth grade she had 2 stepfathers, each of them giving her another sister. That is all I wish to reveal about that but I assure you there is much more behind that story.

I knew her in the second grade as the quite strange looking girl that was always by herself. Then she was gone a year or so later. I never thought twice about it. Then in fifth grade I heard her name (well her first name and her new last name) called at the awards assembly. I don't think I realized it was her completely. I had an inkling but I wasn't sure. That was when I found out how great of an artist she was. Her name was called because she was being honored as the student to have artwork kept in the elementary school halls for the next 3 years. That was an incredible honor at our school considering only 1 student received it per year. And I found out even more of this potential when I finally got to know her later in life.

Middle school was a time of change for everyone and I didn't really know her there. So I will just move onto high school.

Junior year was when we "officially" met as I first said in my previous post: "Even more about me (junior and senior year)". You can read the whole story there; this is more about her. Anyway I finally really met her in junior year. I learned so much about her in the few months I was friends with her. Those few months were no doubt the best of my life though. I think that is why I was fated to create this blog and this post specifically. You can call me melodramatic if you want but I don't care what you think.

She taught me so many things. She was the first person to introduce me to brain games. That was what consumed more than a few classes of trigonometry for junior year. I learned how much she likes to torture herself with not sleeping at night. She spends majority of her nights reading wikipedia. Which is something else she got me doing. (It appears this paragraph is starting to depict my "Copycat" post very well). She also showed her prowess when it came to movie making. She was a very creative person, who actually was quite scientific too. She wanted to major in biology and specifically in veterinary studies. She had lots of potential at so many things. It is unfortunate things didn't turn out as hoped. Anyway onto senior year.

I guess summer would be the best place to start really considering that was where I really got to know her (or at least my version of her). She was not a very athletic person. She was quite frail and even more pale. Despite this fact she did like the outdoors. She went out in the wooded area behind her house to look for animals and stuff like that. She had a cat that mean the world to her. She had him for most of her life. This cat actually died shortly before we were no more. That may have had a bit of influence on it, or rather my actions during the event may have done something. Well anyway, she and I both failed our drivers tests the first time. She failed another time as well before we both got them the same day. She was a good writer as well.

I have to get my mind together again. I fell asleep after that last paragraph. It is now the next morning. I have actually been thinking about her for a bit now and I thought I would write more.

I knew her as the quiet little girl with huge thoughts and even huger potential. She was looking at multiple colleges like lehigh but didn't get in. She got into another college that was catholic associated. Therefore once they found out she wasn't catholic, they revoked her scholarship. And that pissed me and even moreso her off. She did have bad luck pretty frequently. It was horrible sometimes. Her family situation was rocky to say the least. She thrived on others attention and rarely received it from the people she wanted to receive it from.

After saying that last sentence I realize how horrible I was. I was one of the people that showed her the attention that she desired and needed. I gave her the attention in the beginning but I took advantage of that fact later on. I was completely selfish. I destroyed everything and began my long and destructive torture for my own potential gain. Now I have to be forever taunted by the fact that I couldn't help one single girl that needed it. This sucks. That also explains why she put up with it for so long. Even after the first few times I told her of my feelings, she let is go. She was in need of attention that greatly that she didn't really care how I felt as long as I was providing the attention. I feel like an idiot, especially since I only am just figuring this out now.

I would go on with my description of her, but I really can't see bothering with it. Maybe in the future. She's gone forever with her real love and there is no point in reflecting any further.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 6 Arizona

Journal 6 – 8/16/10 3:01pm
Not much has happened since dinner last night. We did some observing. It was interrupted for quite awhile by clouds and then storms. We started at 8 or so. We stopped about 8:45. Then we started up again about 12:45. And we finished at 5 again. Luckily there were a lot fewer so we could finish. That’s about all; we went to bed and got up at 1. We aren’t doing anything today because it is storming quite hard. Dinner later at someplace, either Mountain Oasis or Stromboli’s again. Then half night of observing because we have to get up early. Flight’s at noon, we have to be there 2 hours prior, and 2.5 hour drive to the airport. That equals a waking up time of before 7. Fun. Alright well this will probably be my last official Arizona post at least for this trip, hopefully I will get to come down again in the future. AHL. Adios, hasta luego. Goodbye, until later.
8/16/10 4:30pm
Well I just learned that it is indeed to cloudy to bother even going up to the dome. So we will be having a relaxing night tonight. I suppose it is for the best. Well farewell again.
8/17/10 10:29pm EST
Well I have gotten back from Arizona. Nothing special happened. Long drive to airport. I found a few other really weird named things. Thunderbird Road, Carefree Highway, Happy Valley Road, there was a place called Page. There was also something called twin arrows and another thing called two guns. There was also a person with a license plate that said Mookie, which is a nickname that my parents call me. Plane ride was usual. Now I’m just sitting at home doing nothing. Well that should be it for now. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 5 Arizona

Journal 5 – 8/15/10 5:46pm
Coco’s restaurant was a place I would definitely go to again. It is kind of like a Friday’s or Applebee’s. It is just better is the only difference. I got a turkey club, but they also have a bunch of other stuff, Scott got a bacon cheeseburger. They have steaks and chicken and salad and all that kind of stuff. It is actually a lot like Brookside in Pottstown.
Anyway, we did more observing last night. It was a lot more waiting than the previous nights, which we still can’t figure out. We didn’t even finish all the star charts we originally were supposed to. But we will have to do them tonight or tomorrow, if possible. We went to the lake near the observatory as well. I got some pictures of the marsh-like area. There were some ducks and I even found a lizard of some kind. It was quite different than the scenery of the rest of the trip. We ended the night at a little before 5 again. I was wiped out so I was out cold as soon as I got into bed. I slept right up to my alarm at 1 today; it took long enough to finally sleep until my alarm.
Got up, ate breakfast, then we went to an extinct volcano. It was pretty cool. We got to see the lava that flowed and all the ash and cinder from the eruption. Unfortunately it was storming. But I did get to see quite a few lightening strikes. We couldn’t really get out of the car because we were so high up, so I got a few pictures of the ex-volcano. My camera battery is officially blinking dead battery now, but luckily there is only one day left. I really wish I wouldn’t have forgotten the charger. Oh well nothing can be done.
So tonight we went to Casa Bonita, a Mexican restaurant. It was ok. Not the best meal of the week, but quite filling. So now we are waiting to return to the observatory. Not sure how much viewing we will do because it is still quite cloudy. Maybe it will clear by the time we get set up. We are approaching the last day of the trip, kind of sad but it has to end at some point. Then I get to go back to school. Yay!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 4 Arizona

Journal 4 – 8/14/10 3:45pm
Picking up from last night. We had dinner at some Thai restaurant. I have to admit, it was actually really good. I had a crispy shrimp dish. They asked how hot we wanted our dishes. It was unexpected to me. I really have to start learning about this kind of thing. Anyway, Scott wanted “as hot as you make it.” I went with “the least spiciness” but at least sum. It was really good though. The spiciness wasn’t bad, and it didn’t even hit until after the dish. I think that was the best tasting meal yet. Anyway, we spent the night at the observatory again. This time Scott and I switched roles. He did the coordinates and I did the other data bits. Dr. Augensen took up his same position and slept in the chair in the other room. I spent much of the night listening to Pandora, watching Death Note, and I saw Religulous as per Wayne’s request. I have a post on that as well. I got even more tired than the previous night because I think I was out for about half an hour at one point, if not more. It was a much more relaxed night because the positions of the stars were lower than previously so we had long periods of waiting for them to rise higher.
Now onto today. Well we got back around 4:30am today a bit earlier than yesterday. I was wiped out and went right to sleep, and slept until 11am. Still have yet to awake to my alarm. Today I was only 3 minutes early though, so getting closer. Ate breakfast and made a video of the area surrounding our cabin. It will be posted on Facebook soon, if not tonight. I am such a TV personality though, aren’t I? (obvious sarcasm). Anyway after that we went to some mountain trail place. I think it was called Red Canyon or something. Anyway it was possibly the greatest scenery I have ever seen. Scratch that it WAS the best scenery I have ever seen. EVER. It was absolutely amazing. I have probably 20-30 pictures of the same rock formations. I will put the pictures up when I can. I wish cameras, especially digital, could actually do this kind of thing justice. Oh well. If you want to experience the true awe of this place, you best get out here. The trail to get to the spot we were at was hellish, but with a few bumps and bruises, the Camry we rented finally made it. Then after we left the cliffs, we went to Safeway for some more groceries. And now we are back at the cabin until dinner. I think we are going to Coco’s or something. Not sure what food there is, but you will surely hear of it soon enough. Bye for now.


I just watched the movie Religulous, a documentary by Bill Maher on religion. Here is a link to the movie:

I enjoyed the movie. It was Maher's thoughts on religions across the world. He is an non-religious man. He used to be a Jewish-Christian. I have views similar to him. Some of the references he made are ones that I have written about in the past. It is a very interesting movie. I am sure there was removal of some material to increase the bias of the movie. I also feel that there were things that were not discussed.

My view on the movie, is that it was a pretty good documentary. I had laughs and didn't mind watching it. However, I feel that Bill Maher is too adamant in his beliefs. He is as bad as any other religious person. He has strong views that are on the verge of radical. I feel that he doesn't even realize it or maybe he does.

My own beliefs are for me and me alone. I don't make everyone else try to believe what I believe. This is where I feel Maher is incorrect. He is trying, with this movie, to provoke others to become atheist. He is too strong in his belief that everyone has to do the same as him. I feel that religions just need to tolerate each other. I don't care if someone else believes that Jesus is going to save them or if Mohamed is the prophet. As long as they can tolerate that I don't believe it, I'm fine with it.

I understand where he comes from when he mentions how religions cause war. Radical believers in any religion are the problem. They are the ones that I am firmly against. And that is the reason that I have a problem with Maher. He is too far from religion itself. I believe that there is potential for anything. I have adapted a view similar to Stephen Hawking. After the Big Bang everything has happened due to randomness. There was no god or outer source of anything that influence the creation of us in anyway. However, before the Big Bang there is a potential for a god. We could never have any idea. It, at least at this point, is impossible, both in theory and in practice, to see outside the CMB which is the beginning of the universe. There is infinite potential of anything before the Big Bang. Of course, being that I am more of an agnostic, I still don't want to say there is exactly 0% chance of there being a god even after the Big Bang. I just don't believe that there is a very high chance of there being a god.

I know I have said most of this before, but I felt I should both support and refute Bill Maher. I think that will do for now.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I have discovered one thing about me. Down to the deepest fibers of my being I am nothing more than a copycat. I don’t know if this is the same for others or not but I will explain. I do want to do a lot of things. And that is a good thing; at least I like to think. There is a problem though. I like to do things as I learn about them. Now that doesn’t sound bad I know, but with me, I like to do a lot of things and I am always learning new things. Hence I want to do most everything that I come into minimal contact with. I am currently a Physics and Chemistry double major with a Math minor. That is because I wanted to do those when I came to college, so I decided not to decide on one but all. Now I have been introduced to a simple aspect of Biochemistry and I want to do that too. I also wouldn’t mind doing Astronomy now that I am doing this research. Now you will probably ask what that has to do with copycatting, if it is something I want, why not go for it?

This does transfer over to other aspects of my life. My college friends have and do all kinds of stuff that I never have and now I want to do those things. One of my friends is Indian. Since meeting her, I had a desire and have actually fulfilled that desire to try Indian food. I also wish to know more about the Hindu religion. Aside from the minimal amounts of religious learning from seventh grade social studies class, I only ever was somewhat knowledgeable of Christianity before this. I also have a friend who is a Comp Sci major and I had some computer programming in high school and I had a Comp Sci class this summer. Now I have a desire to do computer programming. I have even been told it is something I am good at by my professor. I have a friend who is a history major and my former roommate had a history class spring semester. I now want to know more about history, which by the way I strongly disliked in high school. I am also looking into Biology because I know several Bio majors. I could list probably a dozen and a half other things too and those don’t necessarily have to do with school like these other ones. But I don’t want to bore you more than I have already.

So this is the main component of me. I am a copycat. I do things that others do. I am just like any other human. I need to fit in, despite the fact that I don’t want to believe it. I just tell myself that it is something I really want to do. I want to be able to do this thing or that. This person is good at drawing, so I want to be better. This person knows all about Chemistry, I want to know more. This person can do anything, I want to do everything. These are the thoughts that go through my head all day every day. It’s one of the obsessions I deal with. It is actually a motivational drive though. It makes me do something.

I am not really saying that being a copycat is bad. I personally don’t think it is a good thing, but I have to learn to be another way before I can do anything about it. I feel like I need to be more unique to satisfy myself. That is why I think it isn’t good. Some may think that this quality is alright. I don’t. Well that’s about all I can say of this subject. I shall be posting again soon enough.

Day 3 Arizona

Journal 3 – 8/13/10 2:23pm
Now I have to really think about what has happened since the last post. Everything is starting to blend together. Ok, so last evening we went to Stomboli’s. My parents are going to give me crap, I know. But I actually ate spaghetti and chicken parmagiana. For those who don’t know, I am not a big fan of spaghetti. It wasn’t bad, is all I will say.
On to the later night activities. After the restaurant, we returned to our cabin. We left for Lowell Observatory around 6pm. We got there and learned (for me) and relearned (for the others) how to work the telescope. It is really high tech. We didn’t even have to enter the actual telescope dome. We were in a building next to it and controlling it remotely. It was actually really cool. Once we booted up the computers and all that good stuff, it was still light out so Scott and I took a walk. I got a lot of pictures. And we saw COWS. Real moo-moo cows. Wild, I think, cows. They were roaming free around the Lowell grounds. We got within 5 to 10 yards of them. It was rather weird and cool at the same time. Then we returned to the building and got ready to begin the observing. The guy that met us there, Ed, was pretty cool. He knew what he was talking about. He knew how to work all the machines and computers for the telescope. He was also pretty cool. And he has an awesome dog, Stardust. She was fun to play around with. She kept trying to untie Dr. Augensen’s and Ed’s shoes. It made me want a pet again.
Anyway Ed left about the time we started the observations. All I had to do was type in coordinates and Scott typed in the exposure time and a few other things and we waited for as long as the paper said. Then we went to the next stars. Then wash, rinse and repeat. (I was kidding about the wash and rinse by the way). And we did this all night. From about 7pm to 5am. A few times we went outside to check to see what we can see tonight and see if we could catch any Perseid meteors again. We did see a lot of stars and the Milky Way and some meteors again. It was pretty cool. I was still in amazement even after the previous night. It was really incredible. Anyway we did the typing and waiting. During the waiting periods, I did all kinds of stuff. I watched an episode of Eureka 7. I started up Death Note again. I played around on Facebook for quite a while. I posted my previous blogs as some of you know. By the way, I will either have internet access (at observatory) or cell access (at cabin) but never both. Anyway, the night was long and tiring. We ate our Subway sandwiches around 2 or 3 local time. We left at about 5am. I don’t remember most of the trip. I was asleep for a bit and just out of it for the rest. We got back and Dr. Augensen said we could sleep as late as we wanted because we had worked the whole night. He got up earlier and went to NAU to look at the data. Scott and I remained in bed until 12:30 for me and 1 for Scott. Today is mostly uneventful just breakfast after noon and dinner around 4 or so, then observing tonight again. I am just lounging currently. Wishing I could go back to sleep, but it probably wouldn’t be worth it. Oh well. Be back for more adventures later.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 2 Arizona

Journal 2 – 8/12/10 2:04pm
First I will discuss last night’s adventure to the historic museum and outlook of Lowell and then the trip to the mesa. Well we went a bit late to the observatory site. There were a bunch of people there and there were lines for all the telescopes on display. I’ll be honest I wasn’t expecting that there would be so much stuff around. It is nothing like the one at Widener. Well we watched a movie about Lowell’s observing and what all was discovered at Lowell observatory over the years. I also learned how biased the people of Arizona are with regards to the discovery of the expanding universe. According to them Hubble did very little and got almost all his information from Slipher, the man who used Lowell to find the information. It’s funny how one’s pride can conflict with everyone else’s accepted point of view. Oh well. Anyway we learned some stuff, but didn’t get to go to the telescopes because the lines were so long. There was a nice view of the sky with the naked eye though. On the way back down we went to an outlook that overlooked the city/town of Flagstaff. I got some pictures that I will upload at some point.
Then the greatest part of the trip thus far occurred. We went to the mesa. It is in the middle of the forest and up above most of the tree line. There was total darkness. Except for the stars. It was absolutely magnificent. We could see every constellation ever recorded; of course I don’t know them though, but Dr. Augensen found a ton of them. We were able to clearly see the bulge of the Milky Way. It was fantastic. It is also the time when the Perseid meteor shower occurs and we saw some of those as well. They were outstanding as well. Now that I think about it, I don’t even think the moon was out. I didn’t even realize until right now when I am writing it, the next day. I was so awestruck, that it didn’t even occur to me. One of the few thoughts I had when we were staring up at the stars was: “This is what they saw. This is why the ancients were so astounded by the sky and made all the tales they made.” There is no explanation for the things we saw. It was possibly the greatest night of viewing for all three of us, even Dr. Augensen who has decades under his belt. I am still completely thrown aback that I have never seen this type of thing before. That viewing was enough to make this trip completely worth it. I really hope that I will be invited again.
Now on to today’s activities, we got up at around 9, ate breakfast, then we went to Meteor Crater. That was another thing that blows my mind. This crater was 2.5 miles around and several hundred feet deep and a huge hole in the ground, yet it is one of the smallest craters around. I have probably 30 pictures of the crater and the surrounding area. It is incredible. I am running out of words to use to describe stuff. And I’m only just starting day 2. We got sandwiches for the night and we are going to dinner at Stromboli’s for 4pm dinner. Another ethnic restaurant and healthy breakfast food. This is turning out to be a bunch of new experiences rapped into one amazing FREE (except for souvenirs) trip. I think this will be all for now. I may just take a nap until dinner. Bye bye.

Day 1 Arizona

Journal 1- 8/11/10 6:17pm
For those who don’t know I am currently (or just was depending on when I get to actually post these) in Arizona with Dr. Augensen and Scott doing research. This will be the main theme of most of my upcoming posts. Today has been a tiring one. First I got up at 3:30am to get ready for the flight. Dr. Augensen picked up Scott and me at Widener. We got through security and everything relatively easily. Then we sat and waited for our plane for about an hour and a half. We boarded and did all that fun stuff. The ride seemed to go on forever. It was a 4 and a half hour flight across several time zones. Our flight that took off at 7 landed at quarter of 9. Then we got a rental car and drove over a hundred miles to Flagstaff. We ate lunch/dinner at an Indian restaurant/buffet. It was the first time I ever had Indian food, and it was not horrible. Some stuff I wish I hadn’t gotten but it was overall a pretty good meal. Then we drove to the NAU campus. There we met up with the chair of physics and astronomy and an actual astronomer. It was really cool. After that we went grocery shopping for the week, and then came back here to the hotel/cabin we are living in. Sadly, there is no internet access, so I cannot post this while here, but I will post it ASAP. Tonight we are not doing research, but we will be going to another observatory for their observing night. I think it will be fun. I just got back from walking around the woods where we are staying. I got some pictures that will have to be posted. I may have to post all of them together after the trip is over. We will have to see how things go. Well I think that is it for the night. I may post more if something comes up. One other thing I forgot. I thought it was kind of funny how weird the names of some streets are in Arizona. I recorded some of them. Some of the ones I saw were: Bloody Basin Road, Indian School Road, and Stoneman Lake Road. There were others too but I can’t remember them. That should be it for the night.

Friday, August 6, 2010


Finally started walking again today. After the week of nearly continuous videogame playing, it was nice to get out. I think my videogame kick is fighting back. I know I should stop but there's only a few more days left until I won't even get a chance to play. For those who don't know my schedule yet, it involves physics 2 and organic chem, along with astronomy, history, and multivariable calculus. It will be quite a tough semester, but I can't wait either way. Anyway that is the reason I will not be able to play videogames. I plan to study the way we are told to, several hours a day. I can't foresee it happening like that but I will try.

Anyway so I did go walking today. I thought about a lot of stuff from the past and some stuff that I made up on the fly. I walked until my legs were numb as usual. I figured I would write a short blog about some stuff I thought of. This will get me in the hang of writing again.

The main thought I remember while walking was about when I went through the incident in high school. When I lost the person I thought I was in love with. "Even more about me (junior and senior year)" is the post if you have not read it. I was most curious about the dazed state I was in during the aftermath.

At the time, I was in a dazed state. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I went through school and work and home like a mindless zombie. I talked to very few people. I was completely apathetic (much more than usual). I had no care for anything. I thought, but even my thoughts were fuzzy. I can't remember, but I don't think I ate all that much. This was all happening for weeks straight. I was extremely tired and sleeping was the only time that I felt alright. And when you sleep you really aren't able to feel all that much. It was similar to the times when you are staring at something or into space and you can't move your eyes. Something just won't let you. That was how my entire body was all day everyday for weeks. I was in a somewhat subconscious or unconscious state. I was never able to explain it.

I looked up a bit on consciousness and I am not really sure what it was. I wish I had an explanation or even a word for whatever it was. I just know that I didn't like it. I hope it never happens again. It was horrible, I lost out on several weeks of my life for some unknown reason.

I guess that will be all for now. I really can't remember what else I thought about on the walk. Hopefully I will have some inspiration to write something else soon enough.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My ideas for the future of cars

I realize I haven't posted in a long time. I really haven't had too much to talk about. Several others had started up their posts again so I decided to join in. Since the last time, research is pretty much over with, still have to do the poster at some point though and still not sure how that will happen. Arizona is less than a week away. Summer is coming to a close. I have been playing tons of videogames. My eyes are going to kill me for it, but oh well. Finished up Clockwork Orange, watched most of Eureka 7. I'm co-chair for fundraising in EWB. I don't know.

Not really sure what else to talk about. No major breakthroughs or depressive states lately. Just the normal boring everyday life.

Maybe I will talk about my idea that I have had since before I started driving. It's a physics problem I guess. Not even sure how much sense it makes.

Well it is a way of fixing the problem of accidents on the road. It would take a lot of technological advances though. Well it makes roads into something similar to a radio. Everyone knows how a radio has lots of different channels that play at different frequencies. Well I am proposing a similar idea for cars. If roads, especially highways, were to run on hundreds or thousands of frequencies that cars could ride on than there would be countless hours of time saved from traffic jams and less lives lost due to accidents. Now I know this idea sounds completely insane. I mean matter doesn't tend to run on different frequencies like a radio. Not to mention that cars following different frequencies seems completely preposterous.

I know the idea needs work but let me explain as best I can with the limited knowledge I have. Now we know that electrons exist at different energy levels. These, when they fall from one shell to another, release a photon that has a frequency equivalent to the energy level difference the electron fell. If we were able to discover and recreate the mechanism behind this, there may be a way to use it in manufacturing.

I also have thought about using a type of virtual highway. Think about any photography technology. You can move things from one layer to another and lay things on top of others. This is another way. To have a form of teleportation (which apparently isn't a word to firefox) into a program that allows travel through a virtual highway to get you from point A to B. Of course why bother going into something so complex if you have instant teleportation anyway. Just teleport there. By the way for those who haven't heard teleportation of information has been improved by Chinese scientists. I saw it somewhere recently. If I find a link I will post it.

Then there is the other method of multi-level highways that was inspired by the Jak and Daxter videogames. Once we are able to come up with a real model of the flying car there will have to be some companies that create cars that go higher than others. Eventually we will be able to have 3-dimensional motion with cars. Which actually thinking about it will probably be more dangerous than what we have now. Someone would have to be in charge of restrictions on height, speed, and other stuff like that. Oh well.

I guess my ideas aren't quite as great as I was always thinking. Well too bad, I will be pondering virtual highways and teleportation some more while all of you are stuck in your barely-2-D moving cars. Have fun with that.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Inspiration for me

This is a post mainly for me. It's for times like this when my hopes are down and I really need a boost. You can do it for yourself too. The blog is just a medium for me to use. You can use any medium you want. A piece of paper, a sticky note, or just a napkin on your nightstand. If you do not wish to read something as boring as a pep talk to myself, don't continue. This is for me for future reference.

I am me. I am the person that no one else is. I am who I am because I have made myself this way. No one else is me and I am no one else. I do not have to lower myself to the level of other individuals. The transformation has been attempted before and has yet to be of any success. I am not equal to others. I have my own standards and I do not have to give them up to associate with the others.

I am not a person, like most. I have my own ideas of fun, things that most people do not consider fun. I do not smoke. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I do not take many risks. I do not dance. I take care of those I care for before myself.

I am not a person, like the others. I like learning and learning everything. I like anime and videogames. I like silence and tranquility. I like nature. I believe science to be true. I like being a person of knowledge speaking to a younger or less informed person who is willing to learn.

I am not a person, like any other. I dislike the mistreatment of women and animals. I dislike the superficiality of society. I dislike the need of money. I dislike the desires of lust and sexual interaction. I dislike being in a spotlight, especially a negative one. I dislike when I do not act as I expect myself to act.

This is me. I do not wish to change even though I may say I do. I am me. I am not anyone else. I am who I am because I made myself this way. I will not conform to others ideas of me or act in a way that others wish for me to act. I am me.


Saturday, July 17, 2010


Anthropocentrism is something that is really rampant in the world. Humans are the center of everything. Oh, but of course. Because we are the center of the solar system. And the center of the Milky Way. And the center of the universe. For any reader that believes any of those last three sentence fragments, they are all wrong. We are not the center of anything but the ideas of our own minds. We are not all that special and we really don't do anything but think of ourselves. This is one of the ideas that leads people to a world of disappearing intellectuals, reference previous post on politics and intellectuals.

So, many of the readers right now are probably asking, "Well what are we supposed to think about? We are the greatest species alive." Well I will respond to that statement by simply saying "NO". No, we are not the greatest species alive. We are just a species that is in charge for a little bit. And if you really think about it we aren't really in charge. After all, how many houses get infested with insects, spiders, bats, birds, rats? We can't even control "simple" creatures like that. We are being killed millions at a time by diseases and viruses. And most importantly how can a species be considered dominant if it can't even keep its own population from killing one another?

People need to learn to think about things other than themselves. I have so many examples of people not doing it. I will be talking about people I know and who will read this, so I won't mention names in case of offense. I will start off with the most recent one I can think of. Today, three of us were watching birds as we ate lunch. One of my friends mentioned how he wanted to be a bird. He said he would fly around just to flaunt the fact that he could. I laughed at this because it was something completely random. I also realized how anthropocentric it was. People care more about flaunting their skills than anything. The birds were scavenging for food so they could survive. They used their flying skills for something that was useful. And people, not just this friend, would rather fly just to say they can.

There are always the insect haters. No one likes bugs. They are so yucky. Well that's what these people say at least. I personally enjoy looking at insects and other smaller arthropods. I won't kill insects unless they are really invading my space or bothering me more than I care to deal with them. I live in a dorm that has some sort of infestation. I have had ants on my desk, cockroaches in my bed, centipedes and millipedes in the bathroom. I have only killed the cockroaches in the bed. I just felt that was too personal. I don't kill insects just because I can, I feel that this is just as wrong as murder. Taking a life, no matter the life form, is murder. Those are my feelings.

I also have a bit of a problem with zoos too. I do enjoy seeing animals, don't get me wrong. But imprisonment of these animals in cages barely bigger than the animal itself, is highly discouraging. I enjoy studying animals and seeing them and figuring out things about them. I do not, however, like to see them in the conditions they are in within zoos. Aquariums are the same way. I feel that it is taking away potential from the species to continue on. Endangered animals are a bit different. I still don't believe they should live in captivity, but they should have reserved areas that are full-size simulations of their real native environment. This again gets into overpopulation and need for a major disaster, see previous post if you haven't already. The last time I was at the zoo actually proved this to me. I was in the gorilla exhibit and I looked into the eyes of the gorilla and I knew that it was sad. It was a depressing experience. I hadn't felt that bad for quite a long time as I did when I looked into that gorilla's eyes.

People are to fixed upon humans. We see humans in everything. We personify animals all the time. Look at any cartoon for kids. Most of the characters are animals. We see faces in everything. The moon, potato chips, trees, everything.

Religion is the same too. Religions are based on the assumption that humans are the most important creatures next to god. We are also the only intelligent life in the universe. Religion is the belief that god made us special.

People are too caught up in believing that we are everything. We couldn't survive without other organisms. Why can't we live like it? Why can't we let other things thrive just as we try ourselves? Well that will be all for this rant, I suppose.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Article on Intellectuals

Before I even start here is an article that Justin posted on my facebook. It is really long and ranty and all kinds of big words are in it.

I will admit that I probably understood less than 10% of what was actually talked about. Politics is not at all one of my strengths. It is probably one of my most hated things in this current society. But I did read it. I tried to look for the things on intellectuals and other stuff like that. This is something I like to hear and read about.

He starts off with a good mention of intellectuals and how they are diminishing and goes on in a way that I can like. I too believe that it is horrible that there are so few intellectuals left. I was ok with everything so far. I was alright with this kind of writing. Then he started to bash conservatives. He was against neoliberalism as well. I'm not sure what this is exactly. I tried looking it up but all that stuff just goes right over my head.

He talks about how politics is increasing ignorance in people and is run by people who act less smart than they are in order to get votes. I feel like this is highly probable. I don't pay attention to politics because it bores me. People are only interested by things that affect them. If someone is voting, you want to grab their attention. "I will lower your taxes." "Well hell, I vote for that guy." People only want to hear what will make their lives better. They don't want to hear that lower those taxes means raising prices on everything else. So leave out the things that no one wants to hear. That just makes you sound less intelligent to someone who knows about politics.

Politics is something I try to avoid at all costs. And this is where he and I differ. He believes that the institutions and politics should go hand-in-hand. He thinks that intellectuals should care more for government and try to keep it in sync. I think that politicians should be smarter, yes. I however, don't think the two should be hand-in-hand. I personally just think there is too much concern for government altogether. I think something else should be figured out for running everything. I think now the population has become too large to be controlled by any form of government.

I was just talking to one of my professors the other day about how the economy is expanding too fast. She mentioned how production is becoming increasingly automated. Robots and computers can do anything now. Now our unemployment is increasing because there are less jobs due to the jobs being taken by computers. So how can the economy continue to grow if these people have no jobs, no income, and cannot afford products. The economy will be at a standstill. Products will be made but no one will be able to consume them because there will be no money to purchase them. Where will we be then.

First of all I think we are too overpopulated to do anything. I think we need to eliminate some of our population. I don't know how to do this exactly because the last person that did it, ended up fighting the rest of the world because they didn't agree. This reverts back to the Morals blog I posted before. There are too many people that care for their own lives and not the lives of the species as a whole. We are not following the lesson learned by many early on: "Everything in moderation". There are 6 billion+ people. How is that moderate? Far too many for our own good. Diminish population and maybe we can get back on track at least a bit.

Another possible solution to this is a major disaster. I don't mean an earthquake in one small place off the coast of an unknown country. I mean something like Y2K size. Something that will destroy majority of the machines that have taken jobs. Yes, I am suggesting that we start over from scratch. This will give us tons of jobs. We will need to work together to bring our lives back to a reasonable level of comfort. I am suggesting that we lower our expectations to a level that is recognizant of prehistory. We will then have many more jobs and natural selection will kick in again. And population will drop. It doesn't have to be Y2K but something like Fallout 3 would be good too. This will also lower population. We need a major disaster to kick us in the ass so we can get even better.

And then there is the other solution. Send people into space and start populating another place. But of course we don't have the drive and intelligence to do this yet. We are still to stupid to do it. Hence, options 1 and 2.

I personally believe I am an intellectual. I don't mean to say I am intelligent. Others say that, but I know I am not that smart. I am an intellectual because I enjoy learning. I like to think and I love pondering theoretical ideas. This is an intellectual. I do agree with the writer of the article, that intellectuals are disappearing. There are no people around now that have reached the notability of people like Aristotle, Socrates, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin. There are very few people that have reached these types of notability that everyone know. That if you asked anyone who a person is, they could name. And I mean people that are actually intelligent and intellectual not political officials and celebrities. I bet anyone that reads this can't name 5 intellectuals and then find 5 other average people that know all of those 5 intellectuals.

I also wish to talk about the censorship of people by institutions and industries. I personally hate censorship. People should be questioning their surroundings. We should all be thinking and questioning why and how things are happening. Truth is everything to me. I don't lie about anything important. I won't cover up anything that needs to be told. Now of course there is the line of "when can you lie and when can't you?" In an ideal world no one would lie ever. Then there are emotions and other minute things that come into play. Well I believe that any information kept secret needs to be exposed. People should not fear their government; government should fear its people. This goes for secrets as well. There should be no secrets kept from the people. If this is true then there is no need for people to keep things from their government.

I think this will do for today. That should be enough to keep your minds thinking for a bit. That is all I ask. Hopefully more soon.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Fullmetal Alchemist

Just started watching the second series of Fullmetal Alchemist called Brotherhood. For those who don't know this is another anime series. It is probably my most favorite anime series yet. It follows the story of two brothers who are alchemists. I have decided to talk a bit about some stuff from the series.

First I will tell you a bit about the story. ***There are spoilers for those who have not seen the series so BEWARE.*** And I will not speak in the same order that the original series happens; I will try to present things in the correct chronological order.

The boys, Edward and Alphonse, grow up with their mother. When they were around 9 and 8 years old, their mother got sick and died. By this time the brothers were talented at the art of alchemy, a science of understanding, deconstructing and reconstructing matter. Well the brothers are extremely distraught over this loss and they vow to bring her back no matter what. When they finally have the materials and knowledge to attempt the transmutation of humans, they attempt to bring their mother back. In the process of committing this taboo, Edward loses his left leg and Alphonse loses his entire body. They end up creating something that is not human at all. Edward cannot lose his mother and brother, so he binds his brother's soul to a suit of armor that was in the room by giving up his right arm. Al awakens in a suit of armor without a real body. He brings his older brother to their neighbor who works with mechanical prosthetic limbs called automail. They give him a new arm and leg. This is the basic motive for the rest of the series. The brothers wish to get back their bodies by any means necessary.

Ok, so that was way more than a bit, but I assure you there is almost nothing of their actual adventure here.

So the boys spend the entire series trying to get their bodies back. Along the way Edward becomes a state alchemist, which is essentially a soldier. He works as part of the military and tries to find out the military's secrets on the philosopher's stone. The stone has mystical powers and doesn't follow the law of equivalent exchange. "Humankind cannot gain anything without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange." This is the only way that Ed and Al could get their body's back to normal. If only it were that simple.

The boys run into all kinds of trouble and meet many people both good and bad that they befriend or defeat. They find out a lot about both the stone and themselves. Some of these lessons have a science versus religion type of light to them. Others have a political corruption type of story. So many ideas that are almost inspirational. Through the troubles the brothers become stronger and bond together more than ever before. They face enemies that are diabolical and some who were simply steered in the wrong direction.

There is so much more behind the story that I have no mentioned, but I have actually driven way off track. I have given much more about the story than I originally planned. Oh well.

I was originally writing this because I wanted to reveal some of the themes and lessons learned from the story.

Probably the most memorable lesson that the brothers learned in the series was "humans are not gods". The brothers learned this many times through the series. They originally believed that they had unlimited power and potential. They were able to do anything. Then they try to bring back their mother. This is the first time they see it. Then again later on. Ed feels helpless when he tries to save his one childhood friend after his arm has been taken (without it he is not easily able to transmute anything). He is trying to fight with a huge disadvantage and feels completely helpless. He is scared for the first time in the show during this instance. Then later he is unable to save a girl after she was transmuted into a chimera by her father. This episode by the way was the second saddest point in the series. I can't help but tear up. Another time one of their close friends is killed in cold blood by things whom the brothers were after. He had a wife and a child that were left behind. This is the saddest part of the series. This one I actually start crying at. The brothers lose so much and really do find out that they are not gods. They are humans that are restricted by the limits of the human condition. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn on their own. Scientists aren't gods, athletes aren't, musicians aren't, military men, businessmen, workers, no one. No one is a god. We are all just helpless humans trying to survive in a world that is too big for us.

There were also a lot of things that happen in the series that revolve around political corruption. It happens early that the brothers get leads on the stone that involves several high ranking officials in the military. There is more than meets the eye however. This revelation of several officials being against the country has others questioning more than just these few. This is how the friend of the brothers' is lost. He finds out somethings that he shouldn't have. It progresses with other people discovering even more about the corruption. The series closes with a horrible revelation that more than a few people are not who they say they are.

The after-story is a much more confusing topic, so I will not talk about that. It leads more into religion and parallel universes and stuff like that. If you want to really find out the whole story, watch it yourself. Fullmetal Alchemist, then the movie Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa.

There is also the second series that I discussed earlier. This series is much the same as the first. It is just longer and the story is actually in a less-confusing chronological order. There are also a few parts that are changed a bit. But so far much of the story is the same. I don't know what will happen with the rest of the series though. I will just have to see. Well that will be all for now.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Me, religion and some fun

Well I am going to go back to my religion rant. I am not sure what else to write about. I may actually in the future start researching religions. That may make this even more accurate. As of this time I have only the knowledge of the Catholic religion, which I was Baptized and Confirmed into.

I was raised by a family that went to church every once in awhile. I went to CCD, catholic class, weekly from 2nd through 7th grade. I received many of the sacraments that Catholics receive in their lives. My grandparents are people who go to church and confession every weekend regardless of where they are (this even includes during vacations out of country). They are almost to the point of radical. No offense mom-mom and pop-pop.

Anyway, throughout my years in CCD I learned a fair amount of things. I went through phases of fearing death and hell and god himself. I was a very fearful follower and would do anything to save my soul.

This, as you can obviously see, has changed quite a bit. I don't know exactly what it was that changed so much, but it did. I became much less of a follower after CCD ended. I think what really annoyed me about it was the completely ridiculous stories within the bible. I will talk about these in a bit. I also think it had to do with my discovery of science as a reality that I enjoyed and understood, unlike the bible.

My first complaint with the bible is that it might not have even been written as a true story. I will quote a friend and say, "it's only a history book." It is bound to be flawed by human writing, no pun intended. But I also came up with an alternate theory about the origin of the bible. It was written as a really organized prank. People who called themselves "apostles" decided to pull a prank and talk about these things that they just made up off the cuff. Could you imagine if this was what actually happened? All these people were professing their belief in a false religion just to see if other people would follow. Little do they realize it would be one of the most believed religions in all of history. That would really be the greatest prank of all time.

I guess this is a pretty weak guess. I mean if they did want to come up with a better prank, they probably would have tried harder to come up with more believable stories. Some stories from the bible people just take as true. But if you look at these actual stories, you see that only an idiot or a drunk would actually believe them.

Let's start with the beginning. I don't know too much of the story of the beginning, but from what I do remember: God took 6 days to create the world and 1 day for rest. Wait, 7 days, since when is god restricted by time. Is god really only existent in the 4 dimensions we know? Well the bible just proved that M theory can't exist, with it's 11 dimensions and whatnot.

And then it has been dated and followed by bible experts and supposedly it says that the world was 4000 years old. Umm...ok. Then there was that famous court case and that was proven wrong. All those fossils and stuff that god just put in the ground to fool us. Ha, he's a funny little bugger isn't he.

Well the bible is looking fishy and we aren't even to the first human yet. Ok, shall we? Adam, created from dirt. Yes because dirt has DNA and other complex structures like that. Eve, the first clone ever. I mean that's got to be what she was. She was created from Adam's rib. I don't even think stem cell work like that. I'm pretty sure rib cells can only make ribs, or at most bones. That's it, Eve was a skeleton. No that doesn't work because there was Cain and Abel, who were by the way the first true rivals. They were Gary and Ash as blood relatives and really unhappy about it.

Ok, so god said don't eat the apple and satan said do eat the apple. Forbidden fruit for another discussion. So naturally they eat it. Duh... humans wouldn't be any fun without sin. God knew it all along. And why apples are apples always assumed? Where did it ever say apple? I'm pretty sure, even with my limited knowledge, it never said apple in the bible. I thought an apple a day kept the doctor away, I guess the devil wasn't a doctor.

Now on to Cain and Abel. First off, is the reproduction of man and his clone considered asexual reproduction? The first murderer was Cain. He was sadistic enough to kill his brother. Why was that anyway? Ah, jealousy. I guess that's a good reason. I mean who doesn't kill their brother when they receive less attention. It's only natural.

Now a bit further. Ok so Adam and Eve had these two and apparently Seth too. Ok. And they all lived for excess of 900 years, except Abel of course. Whoa, whoa... 900 years. Holy crap!!! What is this? Why are we getting cheated out of 800+ years? Why do we live for 100, if we are lucky? Who got the short end of the stick there? OK another question. If these three were born to Adam and Eve, who did they reproduce with. Three sons with no daughters. Ummm...I don't get it. OK well over looking that point, apparently they each did have a wife. So they had random wives that just appeared for convenience. I know a few people who would be more than happy to make some anti-feminist jokes about this, but I will not. And each of them have a wife and son. And it keeps happening like that, I guess. Umm... anyone else seriously considering the problems with this genotype? Only male offspring. What kind of genes did they have? Or were they just really unlucky? Ok so a bunch of other generations of 900 year old and gradually they start dying younger. And by the time of Moses humans were down to 100 year life spans.

Alright on to my favorite myth from the bible. Noah. How big of a boat can carry one of every species of animal ever known to man? Let alone 2 of them. And then there is the time needed to replenish the species to a non-endangered level of population. How long does it take for millions of species of all forms of animal to reproduce to this level? I am not even going to attempt to figure this out. Now on to the original question of how big a boat it needed. Ok well consider how many species of animal you know. Giraffe, elephant, pig, cow, horse, dog, wolf, cat, lion, zebra, cheetah, and there are more than I will ever be able to name here, so I won't even continue. And I bet those are only mammals that you considered. Now go to birds. Orioles, finches, crows, doves, sparrows, etc. Ok and now for the insects. Beetles, bees, ants. You get the idea. Not to mention that the birds and insects I mentioned weren't even species. Those were closer to family or genus. In fact, there are more species of beetle known then there are people in America. And there are more discovered all the time. So how big a boat can carry all of these animals? A boat known as the Earth is about the only boat that can be fathomed. Ok now another question. How can these animals survive for however long that flood was? Was there food? Other than the other animals? And how do you keep animals from eating one another on a boat this big? I mean even know with technology, prison guards can't keep prisoners from attacking each other. And these aren't even starving animals.

I think you can understand where I am coming from with these, or at least I hope so. These are the things that dissuaded me from the catholic religion. These aren't even half of the stories that don't make sense to me. I just can't bring myself to believe in it. Feel free to voice your opinion though. Maybe you can change my mind...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Well hopefully this is a better received subject than the previous post more than likely was. I plan to talk about something that I, in all honesty, know near nothing about. I have no idea how long this post will be considering my lack of actual experience in the area. Nonetheless, I plan to provide whatever I can.

Well as some of you have read, I have had my share of disappointing events that never resulted in any form of relationship worth noting. In fact the most critical one pertaining to my life had to end the friendship nearly entirely. It is quite a depressing life I lead in the area of relationships.

At times this is the most devastating thing I can think of and I obsess over it. My mind becomes easily obsessed over pretty much anything. That is the reason behind this blog (although some people would much prefer to be entertained). I will suddenly have an almost nose-dive into a depressive state when I obsess over such things. This is no different. When I realize how inefficient I am at obtaining a mate, in biological terms. I just think about how little future I have with this as well. If I have gone 19 years without a partner, what is to prevent me from having no mate for another few decades? How could I possibly make this turn out differently?

I realize that I am not a people person. I am not an ideal candidate for anyone. I am tall, lanky, frail, pale, weak, all I think about is school and learning, I am not great with any form of conversation, I avoid all forms of risk as much as possible. In no way are any of these traits desirable for a means of passing on genes. There is little that is actually positive and I try to dwell on those few things, but it just isn't enough sometimes. Yeah, I care about people and I am willing to sacrifice for people I love, but that's about all I can give. Well I could teach you some of my knowledge, if that is really what you want, but even that is limited. These are my lowest times, but I come out alright every time.

There are actually other times when I start thinking the opposite way. Even if I was able to be with someone, I don't think I would want to. I mean, having someone to lean on and have for comfort is fine, but there is so much that can go wrong. Faithfulness, trust, sacrifice, love. All of these things take so much energy to actually maintain or worry that the other is maintaining. Then there is what happens when one of these is changed. So many consequences. All I want to do is learn and learn and learn anything and everything. Nothing will take that goal from me. Nothing and no one. It is my dream and no one is worth it. These are the thoughts that run through my head. Then the fact that I am not good at so many things is also swaying me to this side. I can't even have a decent conversation with family and friends, how could I keep a spouse or partner when I can't even small talk? How can I remain interesting when all I know is Chemistry and Physics and other science things? It just isn't worth all the work, is all I can think when I am in this mindset.

I don't know what to think. I have so many things floating through my head that I just live with what I have and try what I can. I do get attached to people fairly easily so long as I can trust them. This sometimes gets me in trouble, as you have probably seen.

Now, while I am talking of relationships and my thoughts. I figure I may as well talk about my ideal relationship. Of course this comes from a childhood of Disney movies and lots of cartoon with happy endings. First, I am a person that really can't stand stupid people. I want to be with someone who is equal or near equal to my intelligence level. I don't want to be in a million relationships in my life before finding the right person. I want it to be the first person forever. I just want the love and desire to be mutual and powerful.
I am again going to relate this to an anime much like in a previous post. Eureka 7 is a show that really displays the type of love I am searching for. It's a type of love that even through rough times survives and if nothing else thrives. I wouldn't go about things the same way Renton does, but he does end up with Eureka nonetheless. Their love is a love that has no bounds. Renton loves Eureka no matter what she is, which becomes important in the later part of the series.

I think this is really all I have on this subject which may actually be more than I expected. Anyway as always comment as you wish, or not.