Wednesday, June 30, 2010

More about me

I went walking today because that is what I do. I don't go on runs like other people. Running takes way too much effort to keep going at that pace. I was never very good at running the mile in middle and high school. It isn't about fitness so much for me. Though sometimes that is part of it. It is more about doing something to get me going. It is a way for me to get thinking and get my mind in the right state to consider new things or revisit old things, the latter is more frequent than the former. I even sometimes start texting certain friends that help me get my mind going even better, friends that I don't mind sharing these thoughts with.

Enough of that tangent. Anyway, I was walking and thinking of things to blog about and I realized that I really never talked about me. I talked about the image that other people know as me, the double major and does clubs and stuff like that, but not the true me. The deeper side of me. The side that I would prefer to be more often. I hope that I may reveal somethings about myself in this blog that no one knows, and maybe even I don't know as of this point in time. We shall see.

I am a person that has always kept to myself. I was never a person to go tell friends about all my life's details and reveal whatever I was feeling at the time to people who I didn't even care for all that much. I just talked to myself, both inside my head and aloud. If you think I am crazy, try it yourself maybe you will feel better too.

I was a very quiet child and I never really left that shell. I gradually opened it for some people and I still find it hard to trust most people. As a child in elementary school, I always only had one or two real friends. I wasn't popular but I was liked by most people, I was never really sure why. I guess because I was never stepping on anyone's toes, I was just there. Sometimes I was so quiet people would actually forget I was sitting right next to them. I loved school though and it was all I really cared about. I got A's on everything and when I didn't I actually cried. I hated failing, as if I would go to Hell if I got a B or lower on anything. My parents never were that strict on my about grades, but I was really a perfectionist about it then.

I was always perfectly content with those couple of friends I had. I never needed anyone else. I had them and videogames and tv and school and I was as happy as I could ever wish to be. I never cared for anyone of the opposite sex really. Of course this is still elementary school times so I was still young. I was fine with my two guy friends.

Gradually time passed and middle school came along. I still had one good friend and I had school. Math was always my favorite and I joined Math League in 6th grade. It was the best experience ever and I wanted to do it every year, but they stopped doing it halfway through 7th grade, it sucked and I was spiteful. It was my only club because I was not much a sports person and I really wasn't a team person. I just went along with school. I stayed with my good friend even though he had friends that I didn't care much for. They were the people that didn't even finish high school as far as I know and probably will end up dead on a street corner by OD. Oh well, not my problem. I didn't like them much.

Eventually middle school ends and all of a sudden I have no friends anymore. I don't know what's happened but my once best and only friend is no longer there. And then it hit me that I really don't care. I spent 8 years of my life with this almost brother, and now I don't even care that he is gone. Isn't there something wrong with that picture? But I continued on nonetheless. I ended up being one of the smart people. I was ranked in the top 15 students every semester of high school. So this lead me to become friends with mostly other smart people. I got to know a few of them and had classes with them all four years. However, none of these friends were people that I really hung around with. I never went over anyone's house to play or went out to the movies or anything like that. Once the end of the day bell rang the the bus dropped me off in my neighborhood I completely dropped off the radar. I had no extra-curriculars, until Math League started, which was always during school. I had went to no sporting events. I did nothing but sit in my room mostly and play videogames or watch tv. I was a very "anti-social" person. I didn't care at the time. I just wanted to do what I was doing and do well in school. I was still not very interested in any girls. I just never got that feeling for anyone in particular. I didn't mind talking to them and I didn't mind have grade competitions with anyone but I didn't really care to have a girlfriend. I was perfectly content with me, myself, and I.

Sophomore year rolls around and I start to get to know a few people more. I get to classes like Biology that involve working in groups to do activities. I learn about people a bit more about the people around me. Before the end of the year, I start to feel interested by a girl in my class. I didn't know where it came from and I didn't know what to do. I was completely clueless. I start going to my room even more frequently and brainstorming ideas of what to do. The thing I come up with that sounds most reasonable to me is to write a note to her. I spent weeks writing and rewriting a note that that ended up being less than a page long. I took my normal methods of being extremely cautious in wording. That is why it took so long. I finally had a note that I deemed good enough to give to her. Now to work up the nerve to give it to her. That was the hardest part of the process. I am horrible at speaking let alone to tell someone that I like them. After quite a bit more time I finally got the nerve to go to her locker and quickly say, "here this is for you." Then I walked away. I feel like a weight was taken from my shoulders. Then there was the response that was to come the next day.

The next day was a day that I won't soon forget. It was lunch and I knew where she sat and I was looking over at her table. She was talking to friends and then all of a sudden one of our mutual friends with whom she was talking whips around and gives me the most surprised look I have ever seen in my life. It was actually hard not to laugh. I didn't know what to think so I went on with my lunch. It was nearing the end of the day in Bio class. It happened to end early and she came over to my desk. By this time I had so much anxiety, I thought I would just burst. When she came over to me she told me to follow to the back of the room. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable but I followed because I still had some minuscule hope. I was told as expected that she didn't like me that way but that we should get to know each other better before anything else.

I was so satisfied by this result, believe it or not. It was possibly the best response that I could have ever expected. There was a small possibility. I just was glad nothing too horrible came out of it. I think I will save the rest of high school and college until now for future posts because those will be even longer stories. That and I'm pretty sure whoever reads this will want to dig out their eyeballs by the end because it's so long. So, on that note I will stop. Bye bye.

Bored in my room until lunch

Well, I'm back again and bored as ever. No research today because Dr. Bastin has a demo of new equipment for labs and then has class so he can't help us out. Just one class and EWB meeting tonight. I'm sure this won't be my only post today. Now it's just a matter of figuring out something to post.
I actually was looking at some other blogs a bit ago and found a person that has an interesting blog. I read a few of her past posts and they are really enjoyable to read. I would post her blog on here but I don't want to creep her out at all. If she responds to the comment I posted I may add it on here for others to read. She, like I feel I will have soon enough, has very few readers.
Not sure what to write about. I haven't been too philosophical this morning. I just feel like lounging and sleeping. I can't stop thinking about Neon Genesis. It is such a good show.
I guess I can talk about research this summer. I have been working under several professors from the Chem department. First was Dr. Van Bramer, we worked on freshman labs and basically did them over and over again. It was fun. Next was Dr. Nagengast, which is a lab I wish I never entered for the simple reason that now I am interested in Biochem. I never even considered it before then, and now I have another possible minor for myself. Joy. After her was Dr. Martin, my Chem adviser, that was actually a lot more fun than the others were saying. I enjoyed it a lot. It was a lot of sitting and waiting but it was a really good learning experience. Now as I said, I'm with Dr. Bastin, who will be my Organic Chem teacher next semester. He is pretty cool, I just wish he would give us more time in the lab. It is now Wednesday and I have worked only 6 hours so far. I should have worked at least twice that amount by the end of the day. Oh well, what can you do.
Then there is a few other professor we will be working with the next few weeks. Not sure who yet, but it should be cool.
Later this summer, as in August 11-17, I will be in Flagstaff, Arizona with Dr. Augensen and Scott Snell. We are doing observing in Lowell Observatory. I hope it is as exciting as it sounds. I don't anticipate it to be any less though.
Well that took a half hour so far. Now another half hour until lunch. Let's see...
I can't think of anything important well I guess that means I will leave anything I think of until later. Bye bye.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Neon Genesis Evangelion

I have been watching the series called Neon Genesis Evangelion for the second time through for the last few weeks. I decided that I would talk about it for my first official post about something consequential.

Neon Genesis Evangelion, for those who don't know is an anime series. It is a really detailed story based around a government organization called NERV. They have these giant robot/mecha things, called EVA, that fight off alien beings called Angels. This story is long and you need to watch the whole 26-episode series to really understand it. I recommend watching it at least twice to actually understand it to a decent degree.

The story is based around several children and a few adults who have to use these EVAs to kill the enemy Angels. It is an extremely psychologically disturbing show. The children who pilot the EVA are destroyed mentally by the combat they face and the corruption in NERV. Several adult characters too are affected by these problems and suffer greatly as a result.

I actually just looked at a few things on the series and found out that the director had been diagnosed with clinical depression before writing the series and used his experiences with it to write about.

The last few episodes are the part of the series that are the most twisted and where everything starts to fall into place. I personally learned new things about the series the second time through and I bet another watch would reveal even more.

I wish I were able to explain the things that these people went through, but I can't in any reasonable time. If you haven't seen the series and want to watch it I will post the link to where I watched it.

I have just finished the series and I wish to comment on the last episode which is a really inspirational one if nothing else. There are many things that the main protagonist learns. It is really cool because anyone that is depressed or confused or distraught about life can refer to these things and it may help. I think that was the director's meaning behind the episode and the series at that.

The first message is "You are your own reality, you create your own reality." This is one of the many things that were learned by the protagonists, Shinji. You can do whatever you want. You are the creator and writer of your own fate and life. If you don't want to do something that you are being forced to do, you don't have to. You are what you do and you do what you want. If you don't do what you want there is no reason for you to be living your life. As harsh as that sounds, I think that is about right. I believe I understand where he is coming from on that.

The next message is "You can't recognize your own image without others." This one is rather interesting and I never thought of it before. In other words if there is no others there is no difference to distinguish yourself. This message is one that I could have been better off learning earlier in life. Shinji was a lonely person much like many other characters in the series. I was also like this and at times I still am. He wished for a reality that was empty and void of all others. He learns that without others in your life there is no real way that you can see your own image. You can't know who you are without knowing who others perceive you as or how you act and react with and to others. Through time of seeing how others perceive you, you create your own image of who you are. So in a way, others create you just as much as you create you. Everyone you know has their own mind's image of you and you of everyone else.

One other message is "Reality and truth are perspectives." Everyone knows what they know and believe what they believe. These could be completely different from what you believe or know, but each is just as true to the two of you. This is what is meant by the message. "There are as many truths as there are people on this earth, " that is a direct quote from the show. It really describes the variability of humans and their minds.

I hope that some people have some comments on these things because I would like to think about it a bit more. Well, I guess that is enough, my tutoring session is over now, so I must be going. Farewell for tonight.

First true post about whatever I want

I have been reading a lot of blogs by friends lately and I figured it would be something interesting to do. Go with the flow right? Well let's see how this turns out.
First I will tell you about myself even though just about all people reading this will be people I already know or myself. I am a person that loves learning more than anything else. All I really want to do in this life is learn everything (aim as high as possible is what I have learned to do). This blog will allow me to get my thoughts down and allow myself mainly, but others too, to read them and interpret as desired. I have more thoughts than I can remember in a day so this is a way for me to get them out there. I also wouldn't mind for others to comment as they wish, if they wish.
I plan to write about whatever is on my mind at any one time. Whether it be philosophy, psychology, science, anime, videogames, whatever. Anything I am doing or thinking is bound to find its way into this blog, assuming this is something I wish to continue.
Anyway, I am a student at Widener University. I am currently a Chemistry and Physics double major with a Math minor, along with interests in Biochemistry, Biology, Philosophy, Astronomy, and so many other areas. I just don't know where my priorities lie in terms of subjects of knowledge. I am a doing research with the Chemistry department as a freshman/sophomore. I work as a tutor and in the fall will be working with the girl's volleyball coach at home games. I will also be doing observing with the associate dean of arts and sciences in August at the Lowell observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.
I am involved in more clubs than I could possibly imagine being in during my high school years. Habitat for Humanity, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Chem club, Astronomy club, Engineers Without Borders, and I'm pretty sure there are more but I can't remember them right now.
Well that is probably a good place to stop considering it's dinner time. Hopefully I can post something useful tonight sometime.