This is a post mainly for me. It's for times like this when my hopes are down and I really need a boost. You can do it for yourself too. The blog is just a medium for me to use. You can use any medium you want. A piece of paper, a sticky note, or just a napkin on your nightstand. If you do not wish to read something as boring as a pep talk to myself, don't continue. This is for me for future reference.
I am me. I am the person that no one else is. I am who I am because I have made myself this way. No one else is me and I am no one else. I do not have to lower myself to the level of other individuals. The transformation has been attempted before and has yet to be of any success. I am not equal to others. I have my own standards and I do not have to give them up to associate with the others.
I am not a person, like most. I have my own ideas of fun, things that most people do not consider fun. I do not smoke. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I do not take many risks. I do not dance. I take care of those I care for before myself.
I am not a person, like the others. I like learning and learning everything. I like anime and videogames. I like silence and tranquility. I like nature. I believe science to be true. I like being a person of knowledge speaking to a younger or less informed person who is willing to learn.
I am not a person, like any other. I dislike the mistreatment of women and animals. I dislike the superficiality of society. I dislike the need of money. I dislike the desires of lust and sexual interaction. I dislike being in a spotlight, especially a negative one. I dislike when I do not act as I expect myself to act.
This is me. I do not wish to change even though I may say I do. I am me. I am not anyone else. I am who I am because I made myself this way. I will not conform to others ideas of me or act in a way that others wish for me to act. I am me.
I AM ME.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Anthropocentrism
Anthropocentrism is something that is really rampant in the world. Humans are the center of everything. Oh, but of course. Because we are the center of the solar system. And the center of the Milky Way. And the center of the universe. For any reader that believes any of those last three sentence fragments, they are all wrong. We are not the center of anything but the ideas of our own minds. We are not all that special and we really don't do anything but think of ourselves. This is one of the ideas that leads people to a world of disappearing intellectuals, reference previous post on politics and intellectuals.
So, many of the readers right now are probably asking, "Well what are we supposed to think about? We are the greatest species alive." Well I will respond to that statement by simply saying "NO". No, we are not the greatest species alive. We are just a species that is in charge for a little bit. And if you really think about it we aren't really in charge. After all, how many houses get infested with insects, spiders, bats, birds, rats? We can't even control "simple" creatures like that. We are being killed millions at a time by diseases and viruses. And most importantly how can a species be considered dominant if it can't even keep its own population from killing one another?
People need to learn to think about things other than themselves. I have so many examples of people not doing it. I will be talking about people I know and who will read this, so I won't mention names in case of offense. I will start off with the most recent one I can think of. Today, three of us were watching birds as we ate lunch. One of my friends mentioned how he wanted to be a bird. He said he would fly around just to flaunt the fact that he could. I laughed at this because it was something completely random. I also realized how anthropocentric it was. People care more about flaunting their skills than anything. The birds were scavenging for food so they could survive. They used their flying skills for something that was useful. And people, not just this friend, would rather fly just to say they can.
There are always the insect haters. No one likes bugs. They are so yucky. Well that's what these people say at least. I personally enjoy looking at insects and other smaller arthropods. I won't kill insects unless they are really invading my space or bothering me more than I care to deal with them. I live in a dorm that has some sort of infestation. I have had ants on my desk, cockroaches in my bed, centipedes and millipedes in the bathroom. I have only killed the cockroaches in the bed. I just felt that was too personal. I don't kill insects just because I can, I feel that this is just as wrong as murder. Taking a life, no matter the life form, is murder. Those are my feelings.
I also have a bit of a problem with zoos too. I do enjoy seeing animals, don't get me wrong. But imprisonment of these animals in cages barely bigger than the animal itself, is highly discouraging. I enjoy studying animals and seeing them and figuring out things about them. I do not, however, like to see them in the conditions they are in within zoos. Aquariums are the same way. I feel that it is taking away potential from the species to continue on. Endangered animals are a bit different. I still don't believe they should live in captivity, but they should have reserved areas that are full-size simulations of their real native environment. This again gets into overpopulation and need for a major disaster, see previous post if you haven't already. The last time I was at the zoo actually proved this to me. I was in the gorilla exhibit and I looked into the eyes of the gorilla and I knew that it was sad. It was a depressing experience. I hadn't felt that bad for quite a long time as I did when I looked into that gorilla's eyes.
People are to fixed upon humans. We see humans in everything. We personify animals all the time. Look at any cartoon for kids. Most of the characters are animals. We see faces in everything. The moon, potato chips, trees, everything.
Religion is the same too. Religions are based on the assumption that humans are the most important creatures next to god. We are also the only intelligent life in the universe. Religion is the belief that god made us special.
People are too caught up in believing that we are everything. We couldn't survive without other organisms. Why can't we live like it? Why can't we let other things thrive just as we try ourselves? Well that will be all for this rant, I suppose.
So, many of the readers right now are probably asking, "Well what are we supposed to think about? We are the greatest species alive." Well I will respond to that statement by simply saying "NO". No, we are not the greatest species alive. We are just a species that is in charge for a little bit. And if you really think about it we aren't really in charge. After all, how many houses get infested with insects, spiders, bats, birds, rats? We can't even control "simple" creatures like that. We are being killed millions at a time by diseases and viruses. And most importantly how can a species be considered dominant if it can't even keep its own population from killing one another?
People need to learn to think about things other than themselves. I have so many examples of people not doing it. I will be talking about people I know and who will read this, so I won't mention names in case of offense. I will start off with the most recent one I can think of. Today, three of us were watching birds as we ate lunch. One of my friends mentioned how he wanted to be a bird. He said he would fly around just to flaunt the fact that he could. I laughed at this because it was something completely random. I also realized how anthropocentric it was. People care more about flaunting their skills than anything. The birds were scavenging for food so they could survive. They used their flying skills for something that was useful. And people, not just this friend, would rather fly just to say they can.
There are always the insect haters. No one likes bugs. They are so yucky. Well that's what these people say at least. I personally enjoy looking at insects and other smaller arthropods. I won't kill insects unless they are really invading my space or bothering me more than I care to deal with them. I live in a dorm that has some sort of infestation. I have had ants on my desk, cockroaches in my bed, centipedes and millipedes in the bathroom. I have only killed the cockroaches in the bed. I just felt that was too personal. I don't kill insects just because I can, I feel that this is just as wrong as murder. Taking a life, no matter the life form, is murder. Those are my feelings.
I also have a bit of a problem with zoos too. I do enjoy seeing animals, don't get me wrong. But imprisonment of these animals in cages barely bigger than the animal itself, is highly discouraging. I enjoy studying animals and seeing them and figuring out things about them. I do not, however, like to see them in the conditions they are in within zoos. Aquariums are the same way. I feel that it is taking away potential from the species to continue on. Endangered animals are a bit different. I still don't believe they should live in captivity, but they should have reserved areas that are full-size simulations of their real native environment. This again gets into overpopulation and need for a major disaster, see previous post if you haven't already. The last time I was at the zoo actually proved this to me. I was in the gorilla exhibit and I looked into the eyes of the gorilla and I knew that it was sad. It was a depressing experience. I hadn't felt that bad for quite a long time as I did when I looked into that gorilla's eyes.
People are to fixed upon humans. We see humans in everything. We personify animals all the time. Look at any cartoon for kids. Most of the characters are animals. We see faces in everything. The moon, potato chips, trees, everything.
Religion is the same too. Religions are based on the assumption that humans are the most important creatures next to god. We are also the only intelligent life in the universe. Religion is the belief that god made us special.
People are too caught up in believing that we are everything. We couldn't survive without other organisms. Why can't we live like it? Why can't we let other things thrive just as we try ourselves? Well that will be all for this rant, I suppose.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Article on Intellectuals
Before I even start here is an article that Justin posted on my facebook. It is really long and ranty and all kinds of big words are in it.
I will admit that I probably understood less than 10% of what was actually talked about. Politics is not at all one of my strengths. It is probably one of my most hated things in this current society. But I did read it. I tried to look for the things on intellectuals and other stuff like that. This is something I like to hear and read about.
He starts off with a good mention of intellectuals and how they are diminishing and goes on in a way that I can like. I too believe that it is horrible that there are so few intellectuals left. I was ok with everything so far. I was alright with this kind of writing. Then he started to bash conservatives. He was against neoliberalism as well. I'm not sure what this is exactly. I tried looking it up but all that stuff just goes right over my head.
He talks about how politics is increasing ignorance in people and is run by people who act less smart than they are in order to get votes. I feel like this is highly probable. I don't pay attention to politics because it bores me. People are only interested by things that affect them. If someone is voting, you want to grab their attention. "I will lower your taxes." "Well hell, I vote for that guy." People only want to hear what will make their lives better. They don't want to hear that lower those taxes means raising prices on everything else. So leave out the things that no one wants to hear. That just makes you sound less intelligent to someone who knows about politics.
Politics is something I try to avoid at all costs. And this is where he and I differ. He believes that the institutions and politics should go hand-in-hand. He thinks that intellectuals should care more for government and try to keep it in sync. I think that politicians should be smarter, yes. I however, don't think the two should be hand-in-hand. I personally just think there is too much concern for government altogether. I think something else should be figured out for running everything. I think now the population has become too large to be controlled by any form of government.
I was just talking to one of my professors the other day about how the economy is expanding too fast. She mentioned how production is becoming increasingly automated. Robots and computers can do anything now. Now our unemployment is increasing because there are less jobs due to the jobs being taken by computers. So how can the economy continue to grow if these people have no jobs, no income, and cannot afford products. The economy will be at a standstill. Products will be made but no one will be able to consume them because there will be no money to purchase them. Where will we be then.
First of all I think we are too overpopulated to do anything. I think we need to eliminate some of our population. I don't know how to do this exactly because the last person that did it, ended up fighting the rest of the world because they didn't agree. This reverts back to the Morals blog I posted before. There are too many people that care for their own lives and not the lives of the species as a whole. We are not following the lesson learned by many early on: "Everything in moderation". There are 6 billion+ people. How is that moderate? Far too many for our own good. Diminish population and maybe we can get back on track at least a bit.
Another possible solution to this is a major disaster. I don't mean an earthquake in one small place off the coast of an unknown country. I mean something like Y2K size. Something that will destroy majority of the machines that have taken jobs. Yes, I am suggesting that we start over from scratch. This will give us tons of jobs. We will need to work together to bring our lives back to a reasonable level of comfort. I am suggesting that we lower our expectations to a level that is recognizant of prehistory. We will then have many more jobs and natural selection will kick in again. And population will drop. It doesn't have to be Y2K but something like Fallout 3 would be good too. This will also lower population. We need a major disaster to kick us in the ass so we can get even better.
And then there is the other solution. Send people into space and start populating another place. But of course we don't have the drive and intelligence to do this yet. We are still to stupid to do it. Hence, options 1 and 2.
I personally believe I am an intellectual. I don't mean to say I am intelligent. Others say that, but I know I am not that smart. I am an intellectual because I enjoy learning. I like to think and I love pondering theoretical ideas. This is an intellectual. I do agree with the writer of the article, that intellectuals are disappearing. There are no people around now that have reached the notability of people like Aristotle, Socrates, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin. There are very few people that have reached these types of notability that everyone know. That if you asked anyone who a person is, they could name. And I mean people that are actually intelligent and intellectual not political officials and celebrities. I bet anyone that reads this can't name 5 intellectuals and then find 5 other average people that know all of those 5 intellectuals.
I also wish to talk about the censorship of people by institutions and industries. I personally hate censorship. People should be questioning their surroundings. We should all be thinking and questioning why and how things are happening. Truth is everything to me. I don't lie about anything important. I won't cover up anything that needs to be told. Now of course there is the line of "when can you lie and when can't you?" In an ideal world no one would lie ever. Then there are emotions and other minute things that come into play. Well I believe that any information kept secret needs to be exposed. People should not fear their government; government should fear its people. This goes for secrets as well. There should be no secrets kept from the people. If this is true then there is no need for people to keep things from their government.
I think this will do for today. That should be enough to keep your minds thinking for a bit. That is all I ask. Hopefully more soon.
I will admit that I probably understood less than 10% of what was actually talked about. Politics is not at all one of my strengths. It is probably one of my most hated things in this current society. But I did read it. I tried to look for the things on intellectuals and other stuff like that. This is something I like to hear and read about.
He starts off with a good mention of intellectuals and how they are diminishing and goes on in a way that I can like. I too believe that it is horrible that there are so few intellectuals left. I was ok with everything so far. I was alright with this kind of writing. Then he started to bash conservatives. He was against neoliberalism as well. I'm not sure what this is exactly. I tried looking it up but all that stuff just goes right over my head.
He talks about how politics is increasing ignorance in people and is run by people who act less smart than they are in order to get votes. I feel like this is highly probable. I don't pay attention to politics because it bores me. People are only interested by things that affect them. If someone is voting, you want to grab their attention. "I will lower your taxes." "Well hell, I vote for that guy." People only want to hear what will make their lives better. They don't want to hear that lower those taxes means raising prices on everything else. So leave out the things that no one wants to hear. That just makes you sound less intelligent to someone who knows about politics.
Politics is something I try to avoid at all costs. And this is where he and I differ. He believes that the institutions and politics should go hand-in-hand. He thinks that intellectuals should care more for government and try to keep it in sync. I think that politicians should be smarter, yes. I however, don't think the two should be hand-in-hand. I personally just think there is too much concern for government altogether. I think something else should be figured out for running everything. I think now the population has become too large to be controlled by any form of government.
I was just talking to one of my professors the other day about how the economy is expanding too fast. She mentioned how production is becoming increasingly automated. Robots and computers can do anything now. Now our unemployment is increasing because there are less jobs due to the jobs being taken by computers. So how can the economy continue to grow if these people have no jobs, no income, and cannot afford products. The economy will be at a standstill. Products will be made but no one will be able to consume them because there will be no money to purchase them. Where will we be then.
First of all I think we are too overpopulated to do anything. I think we need to eliminate some of our population. I don't know how to do this exactly because the last person that did it, ended up fighting the rest of the world because they didn't agree. This reverts back to the Morals blog I posted before. There are too many people that care for their own lives and not the lives of the species as a whole. We are not following the lesson learned by many early on: "Everything in moderation". There are 6 billion+ people. How is that moderate? Far too many for our own good. Diminish population and maybe we can get back on track at least a bit.
Another possible solution to this is a major disaster. I don't mean an earthquake in one small place off the coast of an unknown country. I mean something like Y2K size. Something that will destroy majority of the machines that have taken jobs. Yes, I am suggesting that we start over from scratch. This will give us tons of jobs. We will need to work together to bring our lives back to a reasonable level of comfort. I am suggesting that we lower our expectations to a level that is recognizant of prehistory. We will then have many more jobs and natural selection will kick in again. And population will drop. It doesn't have to be Y2K but something like Fallout 3 would be good too. This will also lower population. We need a major disaster to kick us in the ass so we can get even better.
And then there is the other solution. Send people into space and start populating another place. But of course we don't have the drive and intelligence to do this yet. We are still to stupid to do it. Hence, options 1 and 2.
I personally believe I am an intellectual. I don't mean to say I am intelligent. Others say that, but I know I am not that smart. I am an intellectual because I enjoy learning. I like to think and I love pondering theoretical ideas. This is an intellectual. I do agree with the writer of the article, that intellectuals are disappearing. There are no people around now that have reached the notability of people like Aristotle, Socrates, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin. There are very few people that have reached these types of notability that everyone know. That if you asked anyone who a person is, they could name. And I mean people that are actually intelligent and intellectual not political officials and celebrities. I bet anyone that reads this can't name 5 intellectuals and then find 5 other average people that know all of those 5 intellectuals.
I also wish to talk about the censorship of people by institutions and industries. I personally hate censorship. People should be questioning their surroundings. We should all be thinking and questioning why and how things are happening. Truth is everything to me. I don't lie about anything important. I won't cover up anything that needs to be told. Now of course there is the line of "when can you lie and when can't you?" In an ideal world no one would lie ever. Then there are emotions and other minute things that come into play. Well I believe that any information kept secret needs to be exposed. People should not fear their government; government should fear its people. This goes for secrets as well. There should be no secrets kept from the people. If this is true then there is no need for people to keep things from their government.
I think this will do for today. That should be enough to keep your minds thinking for a bit. That is all I ask. Hopefully more soon.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Fullmetal Alchemist
Just started watching the second series of Fullmetal Alchemist called Brotherhood. For those who don't know this is another anime series. It is probably my most favorite anime series yet. It follows the story of two brothers who are alchemists. I have decided to talk a bit about some stuff from the series.
First I will tell you a bit about the story. ***There are spoilers for those who have not seen the series so BEWARE.*** And I will not speak in the same order that the original series happens; I will try to present things in the correct chronological order.
The boys, Edward and Alphonse, grow up with their mother. When they were around 9 and 8 years old, their mother got sick and died. By this time the brothers were talented at the art of alchemy, a science of understanding, deconstructing and reconstructing matter. Well the brothers are extremely distraught over this loss and they vow to bring her back no matter what. When they finally have the materials and knowledge to attempt the transmutation of humans, they attempt to bring their mother back. In the process of committing this taboo, Edward loses his left leg and Alphonse loses his entire body. They end up creating something that is not human at all. Edward cannot lose his mother and brother, so he binds his brother's soul to a suit of armor that was in the room by giving up his right arm. Al awakens in a suit of armor without a real body. He brings his older brother to their neighbor who works with mechanical prosthetic limbs called automail. They give him a new arm and leg. This is the basic motive for the rest of the series. The brothers wish to get back their bodies by any means necessary.
Ok, so that was way more than a bit, but I assure you there is almost nothing of their actual adventure here.
So the boys spend the entire series trying to get their bodies back. Along the way Edward becomes a state alchemist, which is essentially a soldier. He works as part of the military and tries to find out the military's secrets on the philosopher's stone. The stone has mystical powers and doesn't follow the law of equivalent exchange. "Humankind cannot gain anything without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange." This is the only way that Ed and Al could get their body's back to normal. If only it were that simple.
The boys run into all kinds of trouble and meet many people both good and bad that they befriend or defeat. They find out a lot about both the stone and themselves. Some of these lessons have a science versus religion type of light to them. Others have a political corruption type of story. So many ideas that are almost inspirational. Through the troubles the brothers become stronger and bond together more than ever before. They face enemies that are diabolical and some who were simply steered in the wrong direction.
There is so much more behind the story that I have no mentioned, but I have actually driven way off track. I have given much more about the story than I originally planned. Oh well.
I was originally writing this because I wanted to reveal some of the themes and lessons learned from the story.
Probably the most memorable lesson that the brothers learned in the series was "humans are not gods". The brothers learned this many times through the series. They originally believed that they had unlimited power and potential. They were able to do anything. Then they try to bring back their mother. This is the first time they see it. Then again later on. Ed feels helpless when he tries to save his one childhood friend after his arm has been taken (without it he is not easily able to transmute anything). He is trying to fight with a huge disadvantage and feels completely helpless. He is scared for the first time in the show during this instance. Then later he is unable to save a girl after she was transmuted into a chimera by her father. This episode by the way was the second saddest point in the series. I can't help but tear up. Another time one of their close friends is killed in cold blood by things whom the brothers were after. He had a wife and a child that were left behind. This is the saddest part of the series. This one I actually start crying at. The brothers lose so much and really do find out that they are not gods. They are humans that are restricted by the limits of the human condition. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn on their own. Scientists aren't gods, athletes aren't, musicians aren't, military men, businessmen, workers, no one. No one is a god. We are all just helpless humans trying to survive in a world that is too big for us.
There were also a lot of things that happen in the series that revolve around political corruption. It happens early that the brothers get leads on the stone that involves several high ranking officials in the military. There is more than meets the eye however. This revelation of several officials being against the country has others questioning more than just these few. This is how the friend of the brothers' is lost. He finds out somethings that he shouldn't have. It progresses with other people discovering even more about the corruption. The series closes with a horrible revelation that more than a few people are not who they say they are.
The after-story is a much more confusing topic, so I will not talk about that. It leads more into religion and parallel universes and stuff like that. If you want to really find out the whole story, watch it yourself. Fullmetal Alchemist, then the movie Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa.
There is also the second series that I discussed earlier. This series is much the same as the first. It is just longer and the story is actually in a less-confusing chronological order. There are also a few parts that are changed a bit. But so far much of the story is the same. I don't know what will happen with the rest of the series though. I will just have to see. Well that will be all for now.
First I will tell you a bit about the story. ***There are spoilers for those who have not seen the series so BEWARE.*** And I will not speak in the same order that the original series happens; I will try to present things in the correct chronological order.
The boys, Edward and Alphonse, grow up with their mother. When they were around 9 and 8 years old, their mother got sick and died. By this time the brothers were talented at the art of alchemy, a science of understanding, deconstructing and reconstructing matter. Well the brothers are extremely distraught over this loss and they vow to bring her back no matter what. When they finally have the materials and knowledge to attempt the transmutation of humans, they attempt to bring their mother back. In the process of committing this taboo, Edward loses his left leg and Alphonse loses his entire body. They end up creating something that is not human at all. Edward cannot lose his mother and brother, so he binds his brother's soul to a suit of armor that was in the room by giving up his right arm. Al awakens in a suit of armor without a real body. He brings his older brother to their neighbor who works with mechanical prosthetic limbs called automail. They give him a new arm and leg. This is the basic motive for the rest of the series. The brothers wish to get back their bodies by any means necessary.
Ok, so that was way more than a bit, but I assure you there is almost nothing of their actual adventure here.
So the boys spend the entire series trying to get their bodies back. Along the way Edward becomes a state alchemist, which is essentially a soldier. He works as part of the military and tries to find out the military's secrets on the philosopher's stone. The stone has mystical powers and doesn't follow the law of equivalent exchange. "Humankind cannot gain anything without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange." This is the only way that Ed and Al could get their body's back to normal. If only it were that simple.
The boys run into all kinds of trouble and meet many people both good and bad that they befriend or defeat. They find out a lot about both the stone and themselves. Some of these lessons have a science versus religion type of light to them. Others have a political corruption type of story. So many ideas that are almost inspirational. Through the troubles the brothers become stronger and bond together more than ever before. They face enemies that are diabolical and some who were simply steered in the wrong direction.
There is so much more behind the story that I have no mentioned, but I have actually driven way off track. I have given much more about the story than I originally planned. Oh well.
I was originally writing this because I wanted to reveal some of the themes and lessons learned from the story.
Probably the most memorable lesson that the brothers learned in the series was "humans are not gods". The brothers learned this many times through the series. They originally believed that they had unlimited power and potential. They were able to do anything. Then they try to bring back their mother. This is the first time they see it. Then again later on. Ed feels helpless when he tries to save his one childhood friend after his arm has been taken (without it he is not easily able to transmute anything). He is trying to fight with a huge disadvantage and feels completely helpless. He is scared for the first time in the show during this instance. Then later he is unable to save a girl after she was transmuted into a chimera by her father. This episode by the way was the second saddest point in the series. I can't help but tear up. Another time one of their close friends is killed in cold blood by things whom the brothers were after. He had a wife and a child that were left behind. This is the saddest part of the series. This one I actually start crying at. The brothers lose so much and really do find out that they are not gods. They are humans that are restricted by the limits of the human condition. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn on their own. Scientists aren't gods, athletes aren't, musicians aren't, military men, businessmen, workers, no one. No one is a god. We are all just helpless humans trying to survive in a world that is too big for us.
There were also a lot of things that happen in the series that revolve around political corruption. It happens early that the brothers get leads on the stone that involves several high ranking officials in the military. There is more than meets the eye however. This revelation of several officials being against the country has others questioning more than just these few. This is how the friend of the brothers' is lost. He finds out somethings that he shouldn't have. It progresses with other people discovering even more about the corruption. The series closes with a horrible revelation that more than a few people are not who they say they are.
The after-story is a much more confusing topic, so I will not talk about that. It leads more into religion and parallel universes and stuff like that. If you want to really find out the whole story, watch it yourself. Fullmetal Alchemist, then the movie Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa.
There is also the second series that I discussed earlier. This series is much the same as the first. It is just longer and the story is actually in a less-confusing chronological order. There are also a few parts that are changed a bit. But so far much of the story is the same. I don't know what will happen with the rest of the series though. I will just have to see. Well that will be all for now.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Me, religion and some fun
Well I am going to go back to my religion rant. I am not sure what else to write about. I may actually in the future start researching religions. That may make this even more accurate. As of this time I have only the knowledge of the Catholic religion, which I was Baptized and Confirmed into.
I was raised by a family that went to church every once in awhile. I went to CCD, catholic class, weekly from 2nd through 7th grade. I received many of the sacraments that Catholics receive in their lives. My grandparents are people who go to church and confession every weekend regardless of where they are (this even includes during vacations out of country). They are almost to the point of radical. No offense mom-mom and pop-pop.
Anyway, throughout my years in CCD I learned a fair amount of things. I went through phases of fearing death and hell and god himself. I was a very fearful follower and would do anything to save my soul.
This, as you can obviously see, has changed quite a bit. I don't know exactly what it was that changed so much, but it did. I became much less of a follower after CCD ended. I think what really annoyed me about it was the completely ridiculous stories within the bible. I will talk about these in a bit. I also think it had to do with my discovery of science as a reality that I enjoyed and understood, unlike the bible.
My first complaint with the bible is that it might not have even been written as a true story. I will quote a friend and say, "it's only a history book." It is bound to be flawed by human writing, no pun intended. But I also came up with an alternate theory about the origin of the bible. It was written as a really organized prank. People who called themselves "apostles" decided to pull a prank and talk about these things that they just made up off the cuff. Could you imagine if this was what actually happened? All these people were professing their belief in a false religion just to see if other people would follow. Little do they realize it would be one of the most believed religions in all of history. That would really be the greatest prank of all time.
I guess this is a pretty weak guess. I mean if they did want to come up with a better prank, they probably would have tried harder to come up with more believable stories. Some stories from the bible people just take as true. But if you look at these actual stories, you see that only an idiot or a drunk would actually believe them.
Let's start with the beginning. I don't know too much of the story of the beginning, but from what I do remember: God took 6 days to create the world and 1 day for rest. Wait, 7 days, since when is god restricted by time. Is god really only existent in the 4 dimensions we know? Well the bible just proved that M theory can't exist, with it's 11 dimensions and whatnot.
And then it has been dated and followed by bible experts and supposedly it says that the world was 4000 years old. Umm...ok. Then there was that famous court case and that was proven wrong. All those fossils and stuff that god just put in the ground to fool us. Ha, he's a funny little bugger isn't he.
Well the bible is looking fishy and we aren't even to the first human yet. Ok, shall we? Adam, created from dirt. Yes because dirt has DNA and other complex structures like that. Eve, the first clone ever. I mean that's got to be what she was. She was created from Adam's rib. I don't even think stem cell work like that. I'm pretty sure rib cells can only make ribs, or at most bones. That's it, Eve was a skeleton. No that doesn't work because there was Cain and Abel, who were by the way the first true rivals. They were Gary and Ash as blood relatives and really unhappy about it.
Ok, so god said don't eat the apple and satan said do eat the apple. Forbidden fruit for another discussion. So naturally they eat it. Duh... humans wouldn't be any fun without sin. God knew it all along. And why apples are apples always assumed? Where did it ever say apple? I'm pretty sure, even with my limited knowledge, it never said apple in the bible. I thought an apple a day kept the doctor away, I guess the devil wasn't a doctor.
Now on to Cain and Abel. First off, is the reproduction of man and his clone considered asexual reproduction? The first murderer was Cain. He was sadistic enough to kill his brother. Why was that anyway? Ah, jealousy. I guess that's a good reason. I mean who doesn't kill their brother when they receive less attention. It's only natural.
Now a bit further. Ok so Adam and Eve had these two and apparently Seth too. Ok. And they all lived for excess of 900 years, except Abel of course. Whoa, whoa... 900 years. Holy crap!!! What is this? Why are we getting cheated out of 800+ years? Why do we live for 100, if we are lucky? Who got the short end of the stick there? OK another question. If these three were born to Adam and Eve, who did they reproduce with. Three sons with no daughters. Ummm...I don't get it. OK well over looking that point, apparently they each did have a wife. So they had random wives that just appeared for convenience. I know a few people who would be more than happy to make some anti-feminist jokes about this, but I will not. And each of them have a wife and son. And it keeps happening like that, I guess. Umm... anyone else seriously considering the problems with this genotype? Only male offspring. What kind of genes did they have? Or were they just really unlucky? Ok so a bunch of other generations of 900 year old and gradually they start dying younger. And by the time of Moses humans were down to 100 year life spans.
Alright on to my favorite myth from the bible. Noah. How big of a boat can carry one of every species of animal ever known to man? Let alone 2 of them. And then there is the time needed to replenish the species to a non-endangered level of population. How long does it take for millions of species of all forms of animal to reproduce to this level? I am not even going to attempt to figure this out. Now on to the original question of how big a boat it needed. Ok well consider how many species of animal you know. Giraffe, elephant, pig, cow, horse, dog, wolf, cat, lion, zebra, cheetah, and there are more than I will ever be able to name here, so I won't even continue. And I bet those are only mammals that you considered. Now go to birds. Orioles, finches, crows, doves, sparrows, etc. Ok and now for the insects. Beetles, bees, ants. You get the idea. Not to mention that the birds and insects I mentioned weren't even species. Those were closer to family or genus. In fact, there are more species of beetle known then there are people in America. And there are more discovered all the time. So how big a boat can carry all of these animals? A boat known as the Earth is about the only boat that can be fathomed. Ok now another question. How can these animals survive for however long that flood was? Was there food? Other than the other animals? And how do you keep animals from eating one another on a boat this big? I mean even know with technology, prison guards can't keep prisoners from attacking each other. And these aren't even starving animals.
I think you can understand where I am coming from with these, or at least I hope so. These are the things that dissuaded me from the catholic religion. These aren't even half of the stories that don't make sense to me. I just can't bring myself to believe in it. Feel free to voice your opinion though. Maybe you can change my mind...
I was raised by a family that went to church every once in awhile. I went to CCD, catholic class, weekly from 2nd through 7th grade. I received many of the sacraments that Catholics receive in their lives. My grandparents are people who go to church and confession every weekend regardless of where they are (this even includes during vacations out of country). They are almost to the point of radical. No offense mom-mom and pop-pop.
Anyway, throughout my years in CCD I learned a fair amount of things. I went through phases of fearing death and hell and god himself. I was a very fearful follower and would do anything to save my soul.
This, as you can obviously see, has changed quite a bit. I don't know exactly what it was that changed so much, but it did. I became much less of a follower after CCD ended. I think what really annoyed me about it was the completely ridiculous stories within the bible. I will talk about these in a bit. I also think it had to do with my discovery of science as a reality that I enjoyed and understood, unlike the bible.
My first complaint with the bible is that it might not have even been written as a true story. I will quote a friend and say, "it's only a history book." It is bound to be flawed by human writing, no pun intended. But I also came up with an alternate theory about the origin of the bible. It was written as a really organized prank. People who called themselves "apostles" decided to pull a prank and talk about these things that they just made up off the cuff. Could you imagine if this was what actually happened? All these people were professing their belief in a false religion just to see if other people would follow. Little do they realize it would be one of the most believed religions in all of history. That would really be the greatest prank of all time.
I guess this is a pretty weak guess. I mean if they did want to come up with a better prank, they probably would have tried harder to come up with more believable stories. Some stories from the bible people just take as true. But if you look at these actual stories, you see that only an idiot or a drunk would actually believe them.
Let's start with the beginning. I don't know too much of the story of the beginning, but from what I do remember: God took 6 days to create the world and 1 day for rest. Wait, 7 days, since when is god restricted by time. Is god really only existent in the 4 dimensions we know? Well the bible just proved that M theory can't exist, with it's 11 dimensions and whatnot.
And then it has been dated and followed by bible experts and supposedly it says that the world was 4000 years old. Umm...ok. Then there was that famous court case and that was proven wrong. All those fossils and stuff that god just put in the ground to fool us. Ha, he's a funny little bugger isn't he.
Well the bible is looking fishy and we aren't even to the first human yet. Ok, shall we? Adam, created from dirt. Yes because dirt has DNA and other complex structures like that. Eve, the first clone ever. I mean that's got to be what she was. She was created from Adam's rib. I don't even think stem cell work like that. I'm pretty sure rib cells can only make ribs, or at most bones. That's it, Eve was a skeleton. No that doesn't work because there was Cain and Abel, who were by the way the first true rivals. They were Gary and Ash as blood relatives and really unhappy about it.
Ok, so god said don't eat the apple and satan said do eat the apple. Forbidden fruit for another discussion. So naturally they eat it. Duh... humans wouldn't be any fun without sin. God knew it all along. And why apples are apples always assumed? Where did it ever say apple? I'm pretty sure, even with my limited knowledge, it never said apple in the bible. I thought an apple a day kept the doctor away, I guess the devil wasn't a doctor.
Now on to Cain and Abel. First off, is the reproduction of man and his clone considered asexual reproduction? The first murderer was Cain. He was sadistic enough to kill his brother. Why was that anyway? Ah, jealousy. I guess that's a good reason. I mean who doesn't kill their brother when they receive less attention. It's only natural.
Now a bit further. Ok so Adam and Eve had these two and apparently Seth too. Ok. And they all lived for excess of 900 years, except Abel of course. Whoa, whoa... 900 years. Holy crap!!! What is this? Why are we getting cheated out of 800+ years? Why do we live for 100, if we are lucky? Who got the short end of the stick there? OK another question. If these three were born to Adam and Eve, who did they reproduce with. Three sons with no daughters. Ummm...I don't get it. OK well over looking that point, apparently they each did have a wife. So they had random wives that just appeared for convenience. I know a few people who would be more than happy to make some anti-feminist jokes about this, but I will not. And each of them have a wife and son. And it keeps happening like that, I guess. Umm... anyone else seriously considering the problems with this genotype? Only male offspring. What kind of genes did they have? Or were they just really unlucky? Ok so a bunch of other generations of 900 year old and gradually they start dying younger. And by the time of Moses humans were down to 100 year life spans.
Alright on to my favorite myth from the bible. Noah. How big of a boat can carry one of every species of animal ever known to man? Let alone 2 of them. And then there is the time needed to replenish the species to a non-endangered level of population. How long does it take for millions of species of all forms of animal to reproduce to this level? I am not even going to attempt to figure this out. Now on to the original question of how big a boat it needed. Ok well consider how many species of animal you know. Giraffe, elephant, pig, cow, horse, dog, wolf, cat, lion, zebra, cheetah, and there are more than I will ever be able to name here, so I won't even continue. And I bet those are only mammals that you considered. Now go to birds. Orioles, finches, crows, doves, sparrows, etc. Ok and now for the insects. Beetles, bees, ants. You get the idea. Not to mention that the birds and insects I mentioned weren't even species. Those were closer to family or genus. In fact, there are more species of beetle known then there are people in America. And there are more discovered all the time. So how big a boat can carry all of these animals? A boat known as the Earth is about the only boat that can be fathomed. Ok now another question. How can these animals survive for however long that flood was? Was there food? Other than the other animals? And how do you keep animals from eating one another on a boat this big? I mean even know with technology, prison guards can't keep prisoners from attacking each other. And these aren't even starving animals.
I think you can understand where I am coming from with these, or at least I hope so. These are the things that dissuaded me from the catholic religion. These aren't even half of the stories that don't make sense to me. I just can't bring myself to believe in it. Feel free to voice your opinion though. Maybe you can change my mind...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Relationships
Well hopefully this is a better received subject than the previous post more than likely was. I plan to talk about something that I, in all honesty, know near nothing about. I have no idea how long this post will be considering my lack of actual experience in the area. Nonetheless, I plan to provide whatever I can.
Well as some of you have read, I have had my share of disappointing events that never resulted in any form of relationship worth noting. In fact the most critical one pertaining to my life had to end the friendship nearly entirely. It is quite a depressing life I lead in the area of relationships.
At times this is the most devastating thing I can think of and I obsess over it. My mind becomes easily obsessed over pretty much anything. That is the reason behind this blog (although some people would much prefer to be entertained). I will suddenly have an almost nose-dive into a depressive state when I obsess over such things. This is no different. When I realize how inefficient I am at obtaining a mate, in biological terms. I just think about how little future I have with this as well. If I have gone 19 years without a partner, what is to prevent me from having no mate for another few decades? How could I possibly make this turn out differently?
I realize that I am not a people person. I am not an ideal candidate for anyone. I am tall, lanky, frail, pale, weak, all I think about is school and learning, I am not great with any form of conversation, I avoid all forms of risk as much as possible. In no way are any of these traits desirable for a means of passing on genes. There is little that is actually positive and I try to dwell on those few things, but it just isn't enough sometimes. Yeah, I care about people and I am willing to sacrifice for people I love, but that's about all I can give. Well I could teach you some of my knowledge, if that is really what you want, but even that is limited. These are my lowest times, but I come out alright every time.
There are actually other times when I start thinking the opposite way. Even if I was able to be with someone, I don't think I would want to. I mean, having someone to lean on and have for comfort is fine, but there is so much that can go wrong. Faithfulness, trust, sacrifice, love. All of these things take so much energy to actually maintain or worry that the other is maintaining. Then there is what happens when one of these is changed. So many consequences. All I want to do is learn and learn and learn anything and everything. Nothing will take that goal from me. Nothing and no one. It is my dream and no one is worth it. These are the thoughts that run through my head. Then the fact that I am not good at so many things is also swaying me to this side. I can't even have a decent conversation with family and friends, how could I keep a spouse or partner when I can't even small talk? How can I remain interesting when all I know is Chemistry and Physics and other science things? It just isn't worth all the work, is all I can think when I am in this mindset.
I don't know what to think. I have so many things floating through my head that I just live with what I have and try what I can. I do get attached to people fairly easily so long as I can trust them. This sometimes gets me in trouble, as you have probably seen.
Now, while I am talking of relationships and my thoughts. I figure I may as well talk about my ideal relationship. Of course this comes from a childhood of Disney movies and lots of cartoon with happy endings. First, I am a person that really can't stand stupid people. I want to be with someone who is equal or near equal to my intelligence level. I don't want to be in a million relationships in my life before finding the right person. I want it to be the first person forever. I just want the love and desire to be mutual and powerful.
I am again going to relate this to an anime much like in a previous post. Eureka 7 is a show that really displays the type of love I am searching for. It's a type of love that even through rough times survives and if nothing else thrives. I wouldn't go about things the same way Renton does, but he does end up with Eureka nonetheless. Their love is a love that has no bounds. Renton loves Eureka no matter what she is, which becomes important in the later part of the series.
I think this is really all I have on this subject which may actually be more than I expected. Anyway as always comment as you wish, or not.
Well as some of you have read, I have had my share of disappointing events that never resulted in any form of relationship worth noting. In fact the most critical one pertaining to my life had to end the friendship nearly entirely. It is quite a depressing life I lead in the area of relationships.
At times this is the most devastating thing I can think of and I obsess over it. My mind becomes easily obsessed over pretty much anything. That is the reason behind this blog (although some people would much prefer to be entertained). I will suddenly have an almost nose-dive into a depressive state when I obsess over such things. This is no different. When I realize how inefficient I am at obtaining a mate, in biological terms. I just think about how little future I have with this as well. If I have gone 19 years without a partner, what is to prevent me from having no mate for another few decades? How could I possibly make this turn out differently?
I realize that I am not a people person. I am not an ideal candidate for anyone. I am tall, lanky, frail, pale, weak, all I think about is school and learning, I am not great with any form of conversation, I avoid all forms of risk as much as possible. In no way are any of these traits desirable for a means of passing on genes. There is little that is actually positive and I try to dwell on those few things, but it just isn't enough sometimes. Yeah, I care about people and I am willing to sacrifice for people I love, but that's about all I can give. Well I could teach you some of my knowledge, if that is really what you want, but even that is limited. These are my lowest times, but I come out alright every time.
There are actually other times when I start thinking the opposite way. Even if I was able to be with someone, I don't think I would want to. I mean, having someone to lean on and have for comfort is fine, but there is so much that can go wrong. Faithfulness, trust, sacrifice, love. All of these things take so much energy to actually maintain or worry that the other is maintaining. Then there is what happens when one of these is changed. So many consequences. All I want to do is learn and learn and learn anything and everything. Nothing will take that goal from me. Nothing and no one. It is my dream and no one is worth it. These are the thoughts that run through my head. Then the fact that I am not good at so many things is also swaying me to this side. I can't even have a decent conversation with family and friends, how could I keep a spouse or partner when I can't even small talk? How can I remain interesting when all I know is Chemistry and Physics and other science things? It just isn't worth all the work, is all I can think when I am in this mindset.
I don't know what to think. I have so many things floating through my head that I just live with what I have and try what I can. I do get attached to people fairly easily so long as I can trust them. This sometimes gets me in trouble, as you have probably seen.
Now, while I am talking of relationships and my thoughts. I figure I may as well talk about my ideal relationship. Of course this comes from a childhood of Disney movies and lots of cartoon with happy endings. First, I am a person that really can't stand stupid people. I want to be with someone who is equal or near equal to my intelligence level. I don't want to be in a million relationships in my life before finding the right person. I want it to be the first person forever. I just want the love and desire to be mutual and powerful.
I am again going to relate this to an anime much like in a previous post. Eureka 7 is a show that really displays the type of love I am searching for. It's a type of love that even through rough times survives and if nothing else thrives. I wouldn't go about things the same way Renton does, but he does end up with Eureka nonetheless. Their love is a love that has no bounds. Renton loves Eureka no matter what she is, which becomes important in the later part of the series.
I think this is really all I have on this subject which may actually be more than I expected. Anyway as always comment as you wish, or not.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Morals
After having a conversation with a friend on morals I have decided to post about it. This isn't normally a very controversial topic because most people don't have problems following morals and believing, at least mostly, in them. I am here to refute that.
The conversation began with the discussion of normality. What is normal? My belief, there is no normal. Everything and everyone is different, otherwise we wouldn't still be around. Variability is key to a species' survival. I don't belief there is any thing that we refer to as normal. It is just a figment of some people's, in fact most people's, minds. We all want to be liked and the general society has yet to understand there isn't normal. Anyway, the conversation continued with her asking about mental instability and abnormality and whether these people are actually abnormal. No I said they can't be abnormal if there is no normal. There is no Yin without Yang or light without dark. I also said that the reason we put them away is because they are a threat to themselves or others. I personally don't believe it is right because they have just as much right to do what they want as anyone else. Then she responded, except kill people. And this is where the real controversial things come in.
My response:"Well it is a right everyone has. With our current moral code we see killing as taking away others' rights. If people weren't so caught up on morals then everyone has every right without worry about the rights of others. Unfortunately this leads to chaos and anarchy which we are told is bad. I have come to the realization that I don't understand morals and never will. I go along with them just as others do. I can't say whether something is right or wrong without presenting a piece of each side."
I know these are more radical ideas than some people are comfortable with. Therefore I wish to explain them before others get too riled up.
I personally believe there is little wrong with killing. In fact, very few things are so horrible to me that I cringe at the thought. Rape, incest, murder, torture, manslaughter, assassination, cannibalism, extortion, prostitution. All these things are just words used to describe filthy activities that people are not to do because they are taboo. I really don't see the big deal. Most of them can be done for better or for worse. It is all dependent upon the situation at hand.
I wish to focus more on killing and murder than the others, but here are some ways that some of them can be both bad and good. Torture is bad because it can be traumatic to the victim and seriously injure them. However, it can also be used to extract information from individuals who wish not to talk. Assassination is a high profile murder done most often with very few people being aware at first. These can be good for getting rid of leaders of hostile groups or countries. But it could also be used to get rid of ordinary people who have done nothing wrong. Cannibalism is one thing that I personally never understood. Why is it so wrong? If you have nothing to eat but your friend's dead corpse, wouldn't you? It's just meat. There is not "soul" anymore. There are no longer any bodily functions being performed so how is it wrong? Morals are the only explanation. Prostitution can be a person's only way of getting revenue. It isn't the optimal way to go, but some people have little choice.
Killing is done all the time in war-ridden countries. It's done in all countries as a matter of fact. It is simply a way of life now. Killing has been done for many reasons through the history of humankind. Food, territory, entertainment are the three main reasons. Almost any taking of one life by another can be classified under these three categories. These are not restricted to human victim and human predator. I can also be human-animal, animal-animal, or animal-human. I make this distinction for others. One other belief I have is that animals and humans are one in the same. I believe animals have just as much right as humans do to live. I personally don't distinguish between the two usually, but I will in this post for the reader's sake. And in this case there is one huge difference between the two. Humans are the only species of animal to kill for fun...
We don't think twice when an animal kills another animal or when a human kills an animal. But when a human kills another human, we go on a man hunt to find him. This also happens when an animal kills a human. As soon as an animal touches a human the wrong way, it's to sleep with him. We put so much value on the human life. It is simply part of our nature. And yet, we kill people because they kill people. Are we not just as bad as them?
A man kills another man so that first man must be killed by the rest of us... What? How does that even make sense? I'm not trying to say that he should live. I am simply questioning, why do we have these morals if we have to bend them to keep the peace anyway?
Animals I think are the ones that have it right. They kill to eat and when something threatens them. We have added that one other ugly category, entertainment. Ancient Romans had the coliseum where men went to kill other men for the society's amusement. Nowadays, we have serial killers who kill just for their own sadistic pleasures. And look at some rich people, they go hunting for animals in a place that is enclosed so the animal can't escape. Tell me that is fair. These animals are essentially living just to die. I guess that is basically what all industrial farms are though. Mass amounts of animals born and raised just to die. What kind of society are we?
Could you imagine being born and knowing that you will just die in a few weeks anyway? You are kept in a small hole overcrowded with hundreds of your brothers and sisters. So much so that you can't even see the ground. You stand in your feces and other bodily wastes. All you can do is eat and you are always hungry. And you live there for a few weeks and then get your head severed from your body. What kind of existence is that?
What if that is just our life? God is our owner and he is just holing us up until he wants to take us. I don't know where that religious philosophy came from but back to the real story.
Anyway, killing is just another part of life. I think Josef Stalin was correct in saying,"One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is just a statistic." This is one of the most true statements I've ever heard. People cry for one person dying that they know. However, hearing that millions of people died in each of the World Wars, no one can fathom that. I guarantee you that you don't even know 10, 000 people. Now multiply that by 100 and you get 1 million. Now try to imagine that many people dying. Now do that 20 times over and you almost get how many Russians died in WWII. That doesn't account for any other country or any other war. That is what Stalin meant by his quote.
I have gone off of so many tangents that I myself have lost track of what I was writing. But that is the truth of my mind. I never know where it is going or what it may lead to. I will try to figure out what I wanted to say...
Morals... I guess I can stop there I think I have covered enough material for one day. Comment as you will. I will be back with more controversy at some point I'm sure.
The conversation began with the discussion of normality. What is normal? My belief, there is no normal. Everything and everyone is different, otherwise we wouldn't still be around. Variability is key to a species' survival. I don't belief there is any thing that we refer to as normal. It is just a figment of some people's, in fact most people's, minds. We all want to be liked and the general society has yet to understand there isn't normal. Anyway, the conversation continued with her asking about mental instability and abnormality and whether these people are actually abnormal. No I said they can't be abnormal if there is no normal. There is no Yin without Yang or light without dark. I also said that the reason we put them away is because they are a threat to themselves or others. I personally don't believe it is right because they have just as much right to do what they want as anyone else. Then she responded, except kill people. And this is where the real controversial things come in.
My response:"Well it is a right everyone has. With our current moral code we see killing as taking away others' rights. If people weren't so caught up on morals then everyone has every right without worry about the rights of others. Unfortunately this leads to chaos and anarchy which we are told is bad. I have come to the realization that I don't understand morals and never will. I go along with them just as others do. I can't say whether something is right or wrong without presenting a piece of each side."
I know these are more radical ideas than some people are comfortable with. Therefore I wish to explain them before others get too riled up.
I personally believe there is little wrong with killing. In fact, very few things are so horrible to me that I cringe at the thought. Rape, incest, murder, torture, manslaughter, assassination, cannibalism, extortion, prostitution. All these things are just words used to describe filthy activities that people are not to do because they are taboo. I really don't see the big deal. Most of them can be done for better or for worse. It is all dependent upon the situation at hand.
I wish to focus more on killing and murder than the others, but here are some ways that some of them can be both bad and good. Torture is bad because it can be traumatic to the victim and seriously injure them. However, it can also be used to extract information from individuals who wish not to talk. Assassination is a high profile murder done most often with very few people being aware at first. These can be good for getting rid of leaders of hostile groups or countries. But it could also be used to get rid of ordinary people who have done nothing wrong. Cannibalism is one thing that I personally never understood. Why is it so wrong? If you have nothing to eat but your friend's dead corpse, wouldn't you? It's just meat. There is not "soul" anymore. There are no longer any bodily functions being performed so how is it wrong? Morals are the only explanation. Prostitution can be a person's only way of getting revenue. It isn't the optimal way to go, but some people have little choice.
Killing is done all the time in war-ridden countries. It's done in all countries as a matter of fact. It is simply a way of life now. Killing has been done for many reasons through the history of humankind. Food, territory, entertainment are the three main reasons. Almost any taking of one life by another can be classified under these three categories. These are not restricted to human victim and human predator. I can also be human-animal, animal-animal, or animal-human. I make this distinction for others. One other belief I have is that animals and humans are one in the same. I believe animals have just as much right as humans do to live. I personally don't distinguish between the two usually, but I will in this post for the reader's sake. And in this case there is one huge difference between the two. Humans are the only species of animal to kill for fun...
We don't think twice when an animal kills another animal or when a human kills an animal. But when a human kills another human, we go on a man hunt to find him. This also happens when an animal kills a human. As soon as an animal touches a human the wrong way, it's to sleep with him. We put so much value on the human life. It is simply part of our nature. And yet, we kill people because they kill people. Are we not just as bad as them?
A man kills another man so that first man must be killed by the rest of us... What? How does that even make sense? I'm not trying to say that he should live. I am simply questioning, why do we have these morals if we have to bend them to keep the peace anyway?
Animals I think are the ones that have it right. They kill to eat and when something threatens them. We have added that one other ugly category, entertainment. Ancient Romans had the coliseum where men went to kill other men for the society's amusement. Nowadays, we have serial killers who kill just for their own sadistic pleasures. And look at some rich people, they go hunting for animals in a place that is enclosed so the animal can't escape. Tell me that is fair. These animals are essentially living just to die. I guess that is basically what all industrial farms are though. Mass amounts of animals born and raised just to die. What kind of society are we?
Could you imagine being born and knowing that you will just die in a few weeks anyway? You are kept in a small hole overcrowded with hundreds of your brothers and sisters. So much so that you can't even see the ground. You stand in your feces and other bodily wastes. All you can do is eat and you are always hungry. And you live there for a few weeks and then get your head severed from your body. What kind of existence is that?
What if that is just our life? God is our owner and he is just holing us up until he wants to take us. I don't know where that religious philosophy came from but back to the real story.
Anyway, killing is just another part of life. I think Josef Stalin was correct in saying,"One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is just a statistic." This is one of the most true statements I've ever heard. People cry for one person dying that they know. However, hearing that millions of people died in each of the World Wars, no one can fathom that. I guarantee you that you don't even know 10, 000 people. Now multiply that by 100 and you get 1 million. Now try to imagine that many people dying. Now do that 20 times over and you almost get how many Russians died in WWII. That doesn't account for any other country or any other war. That is what Stalin meant by his quote.
I have gone off of so many tangents that I myself have lost track of what I was writing. But that is the truth of my mind. I never know where it is going or what it may lead to. I will try to figure out what I wanted to say...
Morals... I guess I can stop there I think I have covered enough material for one day. Comment as you will. I will be back with more controversy at some point I'm sure.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
First religion vs evolution rant
So I was just thinking for a bit and for one reason or another I happened to think, don't ask why: why did the male testes descend? What evolutionary mechanism would cause this? Aren't the testes more protected within the body?
I still have not looked up anything yet. I just thought I would present my own thoughts on things first. I will admit I am not in the least bit religious. I lost faith in religion quite a while ago. My family is non-practicing Catholic. My view of religion is "hope for the hopeless." I don't mean to offend anyone, this is a personal belief, I will not force anyone to believe it. I don't wish to sway people to my view but to inform everyone of my beliefs.
Anyway, on to my rant. I started with the descended testes and continued on to a point where I was simple criticizing Catholic teachings. Here is my rant:
So Catholic teaching says that God created man in his (I know I'm not capitalizing) image. Ok I'm fine so far. This naturally means that God must have had descended testes; it's only logical. Then God created woman. (This is not my view but) This must mean that woman is less than godlike because woman was created from an insignificant part of man (his thirteenth rib). Ok hope everyone can see where I am coming from. In math terms God > man > woman (again I don't believe this just making logical assumptions from teachings). Ok so this is the point at which I don't follow teaching anymore. Woman was created in order to procreate with man. God for one reason or another created man who is less than him and woman who is even lower than that. If God created man as image of God, why would he create woman, even lower than image of God, to have offspring with man? Wouldn't the offspring be only between godlike and less than godlike. Why couldn't God make man able to procreate, either with each other (homosexually) or by themselves (asexually)? It would make them as pure as possible and would therefore be closer to God. I can't begin to understand this religion.
So I still don't understand why the testes descended. I have yet to look up whether anyone has found out a reason for it. I may sometime. By the way, this is an actual conversation I had with myself. And I got it all from the original question: why did the testes descend?
**Update**
I have found a site that looks to have a good explanation.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=why-do-human-testicles-hang-like-th-2009-11-19
If you don't wish to read it I will spare you several minutes of your life. It basically says that sperm is extremely sensitive to heat and the scrotum provide a good deal of heat dissipation. Thus allowing sperm to remain cooler. I actually knew this but I never connected it. This is the reason that being cold causes the scrotum to contract. Silly me. Oh well it was still fun attempting to figure it out using the religious method.
I still have not looked up anything yet. I just thought I would present my own thoughts on things first. I will admit I am not in the least bit religious. I lost faith in religion quite a while ago. My family is non-practicing Catholic. My view of religion is "hope for the hopeless." I don't mean to offend anyone, this is a personal belief, I will not force anyone to believe it. I don't wish to sway people to my view but to inform everyone of my beliefs.
Anyway, on to my rant. I started with the descended testes and continued on to a point where I was simple criticizing Catholic teachings. Here is my rant:
So Catholic teaching says that God created man in his (I know I'm not capitalizing) image. Ok I'm fine so far. This naturally means that God must have had descended testes; it's only logical. Then God created woman. (This is not my view but) This must mean that woman is less than godlike because woman was created from an insignificant part of man (his thirteenth rib). Ok hope everyone can see where I am coming from. In math terms God > man > woman (again I don't believe this just making logical assumptions from teachings). Ok so this is the point at which I don't follow teaching anymore. Woman was created in order to procreate with man. God for one reason or another created man who is less than him and woman who is even lower than that. If God created man as image of God, why would he create woman, even lower than image of God, to have offspring with man? Wouldn't the offspring be only between godlike and less than godlike. Why couldn't God make man able to procreate, either with each other (homosexually) or by themselves (asexually)? It would make them as pure as possible and would therefore be closer to God. I can't begin to understand this religion.
So I still don't understand why the testes descended. I have yet to look up whether anyone has found out a reason for it. I may sometime. By the way, this is an actual conversation I had with myself. And I got it all from the original question: why did the testes descend?
**Update**
I have found a site that looks to have a good explanation.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=why-do-human-testicles-hang-like-th-2009-11-19
If you don't wish to read it I will spare you several minutes of your life. It basically says that sperm is extremely sensitive to heat and the scrotum provide a good deal of heat dissipation. Thus allowing sperm to remain cooler. I actually knew this but I never connected it. This is the reason that being cold causes the scrotum to contract. Silly me. Oh well it was still fun attempting to figure it out using the religious method.
Heisenberg's Uncertainty and some other minor physics things
I'm bored as usual I don't have much to do for the next hour or so. I figured why not add a post. I'm not feeling too philosophical or going too in-depth with anything in my life. I just thought I would discuss some things I know/think and am interested in.
I'm a big fan of physics especially modern physics. It is a field which we know very little compared to other fields in physics. The realization of it only came about in the last century. Great names like Heisenberg and Schrodinger and Planck all worked on the field we now call quantum mechanics.
Heisenberg said that both momentum and position of a particle cannot be known simultaneously with great accuracy. The way to measure a particle is to hit it with a wave. Waves can be all sizes. It can be high energy or frequency and short wavelength or low energy and long wavelength or anywhere in between. With a high energy wave you can measure the position very accurately because the wave is hitting the particle a lot and the wavelength is very short. However, the higher the energy the more the wave hits the particle and the more it moves the particle and changes the velocity or momentum. The advantage of lower energy waves is that the particle will not be moved as much; however, this means that the wave will not hit the particle as much and not be able to measure the position as accurately. This is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, in a nutshell from a person who has not officially taken modern physics yet. All of these theories are just things that I remember from reading Stephen Hawking and from past physics learning.
There are so many theories that are found in the modern physics field. Schrodinger's equation, Planck's black body radiation, quantum tunneling and all kinds of other stuff that I have no idea about. I just love to learn about these things I couldn't tell you why. There are other things in modern physics that are also interesting. General and special relativity and M theory. They are all so great to learn about. I don't even know much about them.
I don't even know what else to talk about, I don't feel much like typing anymore. I'm sure there is more to come
I'm a big fan of physics especially modern physics. It is a field which we know very little compared to other fields in physics. The realization of it only came about in the last century. Great names like Heisenberg and Schrodinger and Planck all worked on the field we now call quantum mechanics.
Heisenberg said that both momentum and position of a particle cannot be known simultaneously with great accuracy. The way to measure a particle is to hit it with a wave. Waves can be all sizes. It can be high energy or frequency and short wavelength or low energy and long wavelength or anywhere in between. With a high energy wave you can measure the position very accurately because the wave is hitting the particle a lot and the wavelength is very short. However, the higher the energy the more the wave hits the particle and the more it moves the particle and changes the velocity or momentum. The advantage of lower energy waves is that the particle will not be moved as much; however, this means that the wave will not hit the particle as much and not be able to measure the position as accurately. This is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, in a nutshell from a person who has not officially taken modern physics yet. All of these theories are just things that I remember from reading Stephen Hawking and from past physics learning.
There are so many theories that are found in the modern physics field. Schrodinger's equation, Planck's black body radiation, quantum tunneling and all kinds of other stuff that I have no idea about. I just love to learn about these things I couldn't tell you why. There are other things in modern physics that are also interesting. General and special relativity and M theory. They are all so great to learn about. I don't even know much about them.
I don't even know what else to talk about, I don't feel much like typing anymore. I'm sure there is more to come
Friday, July 2, 2010
Even more about me (junior and senior year)
Well this is the next post about me. It encompasses my junior and senior years of high school. Many people that will read this probably know most of the stuff I am about to say but possibly not all of it. Then there are some people that know the bare minimum or nothing at all. Well shall we begin.
Junior year I was still thinking about the "crush" from sophomore year a bit. However, I continued on with my learning. I was still more fond of learning than anything else. Anyway, in history class we were given a project to create a silent movie on some point in history. I was not very close to any friends still, so I was not able to get in a group in my own class. I worked with a group of misfits from the other class period. We were all misfits but we were able to do well. We were all honors students, so it was a fun time. We chose the Boston Tea Party to do the movie on. Anyway this was where I first met a girl, or rather re-met, that will become very important to this story. She was like me when it came to the movie. She knew about it but she was not a big fan of being in the movie. Well we went through weeks of making the movie at each others' houses and some other random places.
Well we finished up the movie and this girl was really creative and she made the finishing touches on the movie. She would stay up until all hours of the night to get it done. She brought the product in one day for us all to watch and it was fantastic. We had a really good movie on our hands. The day for presenting our project was upon us and I was so proud of it. It was possibly the best project I ever had, thanks go to everyone in the group. Well she was really nervous about showing it. I tried to comfort her by saying that it was awesome. No one would dare make fun of it or anything like that. It didn't really help, she was still shaking. Well as far as I remember no one had anything bad to say about it. I personally still think it was the best one shown. I even showed it in my class period. That was my reintroduction to this girl. After the project I really didn't talk to anyone in the group for awhile.
Later in the year, this girl and I started talking for one reason or another. Anyway it was approaching prom time and she was going with a guy that was in the movie group that she had been thought to be dating for awhile. She never really admitted it to anyone but everyone suspected. Prom came and went and she was all of a sudden really lonesome and never talked to almost anyone. I was still chatting with her at times. I can't exactly remember the exact course of events at this point, but it turned out that the guy never talked to her after prom. He just stopped all communication with her despite the fact that she was in most of his classes. It also turned out that she and her other good friends were fighting as well. So she was pretty much deserted.
Anyway the end of the year came and she was one of the few people I even got to sign my yearbook. That isn't something I would usually do. I just don't like ruining books by writing in them. More tangents. Well she gave me her number and I never thought twice about it. Summer is here and boring as ever, seeing as I have few friends. I decided one day to email her. She was a person that's very appreciative of human contact because she too didn't do anything over summer. And with the fight happening between her and her friends she gladly responded to the email. We would have these long in-depth conversations every night if possible. I loved receiving them. I would be up all night just to see if I could get her email that day, but she usually sent it right after I went to bed, almost without fail. I would be up so late because her emails were pages long. I would try and mimic the length but very few times could I match the size of her emails. I think the longest any of them got to was 5 pages in Word. It was crazy. I would take half and hour to an hour to read them and then another few hours two respond. But I loved it more than anything in my life at the time.
We learned so many things about each other. We had so many commonalities. We were both quiet and introverted. We each loved science. She wanted to do something in biology. She loved animals. I too love animals. We both prefer cats to dogs. I mentioned before how we re-met each other. We had previously met in elementary school. She had a different last name then and honestly, I always thought she was a bit weird. She was always really quiet and secluded. I did find out reasoning behind this that I will not reveal for anonymity and respect for her. It seemed really interesting to me that we had so much in common. They go far beyond these few things mentioned, but it was probably more that I was looking for them at this time. After all people see what they want to see.
This went one for majority of the summer. At one point she even came over our house. We played outside in the inflatable pool and volleyball and badminton. It was fun. Technically it was the first time I ever had a female friend over my house. So that was new too. Well, things went on. I started getting asked if she was my girlfriend and things like that. I kept on saying no, even though it really wasn't believed. Well we continued our conversations via email. Over the next few weeks, I started to think about her and realized that maybe people were right. Maybe I did like her. Either they suspected what I didn't or they influenced me to think I did. Either way it was now an idea in my head. I kept thinking about it while I read about the intimate details of her life and told her of mine. At some point I decided to give in and tell her about my feelings. Her first response was one of ignorance. She didn't respond to that part of the email at all. I thought maybe she didn't get what I was saying because again I was cautious with my words and essentially was beating around the bush. So I sent another more direct email and her response was that she didn't know what to say so she just didn't. She didn't feel that way was her next response. I figured as much but now I had confirmation. I just wanted to make sure we were still able to be friends.
End of summer came and school started up again. We were in the same classes due to my essential copying of her schedule. Other than a few classes. We talked a lot and enjoyed each others company. We sat together at lunch. We sat with our group of mutual friends. Classes were enjoyable and we each liked certain classes and hated others. I was still feeling the same about her but I didn't want that to affect our friendship. I let it go and tried to forget.
Our school year continued. We got closer. She had her wisdom teeth out and she had to miss nearly a week of classes. She got her homework and I helped her a bit with calculus. I was rather distraught when I found out I didn't help enough to catch her up on stuff and get her grade up. Life went on. At one point while getting teacher references she started crying when she got something from one teacher because she was so happy about it. I didn't know this at the time all I knew was that she was crying and I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't want to embrace her for fear of overstepping my bounds. I did walk with her to the car though and made sure she was ok to drive. Eventually it came time for me to get my driver's license. I was almost 18, so I really needed to. I have never cared much for driving, so I didn't really care. But it ended up that each of us were going on the same day. This, to me, was a sign. Either we would both fail again (yes we both failed previously), or we would both get it. To me there was no other option. On the way to the testing place, I heard her favorite song of the time, Viva La Vida by Coldplay, twice. I was convinced that there was no way we would fail. I got through my test and I passed. I found out later that day that she too had passed. Four hours separated our first issued driver's licenses. In my eyes, yet another sign. These are the thoughts that would circulate through my mind all day everyday. Perhaps readers can see what I was going through at the time.
I think I will just say that life continued on about the same as this until November. My birthday rolls around and for me it is just another day. I don't worry other people with my birthday. I never have in the past, but she got me a gift. It was officially the first time I received a gift from anyone outside of a party and/or my family. It may have only been candy, but it was definitely the best present I ever received. I was very grateful and couldn't wait for my chance to get her a present for her birthday in march.
Christmas came and I knew I was getting her something good. She gave me a drawing pad and mechanical pencil because she drew and I always tried to compare with her drawings, always falling well short. I knew she wanted the computer game Spore and I was going to get it if she didn't get it from her parents. Well she didn't and I knew her present. I got her a puppy mouse pad and a kitten calendar because of her love of animals. Then the day before school started again I went to Walmart and bought it. Almost got in an accident on the way home and couldn't wait for the next day of school to end. I finally got to leave school with her and give her the present in the trunk of my car. I got the big bag out of the trunk and brought it the two parking spaces away that her car was from mine. She opened the bag and found the mousepad and calendar. She said thanks so much and then I told her there was more. She got to the bottom of the bag and I will never forget her expression. "ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!" Eyes wide. Smile larger than I've ever seen. Glowing with excitement. I could not have been more ecstatic than I was in this moment. I love surprising people with things they really want. This is when I feel extremely accomplished. Well life continued the same as always. We talked and enjoyed each other and then things happened.
The order of upcoming events is honestly a bit fuzzy but I will try to remember as best I can. I am pretty sure that the next thing that happened was I reminded her again that I liked her still. I started to bug her about it. This caused her to back off a bit. We didn't talk much after this. I think this was about the time her cat died as well. I was feeling horrible about this because she had the cat for all her life essentially. I got her a card and started acting really stupid in pity for her. Meanwhile she was working past it. I was just bringing it up like an idiot. I feel horrible about it now. This is the time I started to really struggle mentally with everything. I was so confused and distraught and just crap inside. Time went on and we rarely talked if at all. Then we started to talk a bit more leading into February. I'm sure any reader can see where this is going.
Valentine's day. We are talking a bit more and I decide well this might be a good time to send a gift to say sorry for what's happened and have a nice holiday. Well a few days later it gets to her house because I bought the stupid thing via internet, which I never advise anyone to do EVER. I received a package on the porch that same day. Now I am done, I know exactly what it is. I get inside. Now my parents have to find out everything. And I can't possibly explain everything in the condition I'm in. I open it and find that the thing says "I love you". So many horrible things went through my head at that instant. One of them being someone is going to die at this company. I know now that my life is over and this whole thing I might have had was beyond over.
The next few days of class was her seat being moved away from me and complete and total ignorance. I tried to talk to her but she just left the room when I did. I quickly asked if I could get another chance and she sternly said get away from me. I gave up there and then. Before the end of the day I was in the counselors office talking to her. I also received a text from her. It is in my inbox to this day. I used to look at it occasionally. I guess I enjoy torturing myself like that. It said, "No I gave you plenty of chances, plenty of hints and even direct words. You made your decisions and I've made mine. And I'm through. Over. Done. Do YOU get it?" The most painful thing I have ever read in my life. I was never going to heal from this, was all I could think. I spent days at a time just thinking about her and what had happened. I don't know if anyone has ever had a feeling of being in a daze, but I had a feeling of being in a daze for several weeks. The only thing that would help even though it was only temporary was sleep. I went to bed early more than a few time during that time period. I have never felt so disconnected as I was during that few weeks. It was the same feeling as when you stare into space and can't move your eyes. Except I couldn't get out of it for weeks except when I slept. I even dreamed of her several times. My counselor set up weekly meetings with me to follow my progress. She even had me write my feelings and thoughts in a journal. I needed to do these because I would feel great when I left her office, then by the end of the week I was feeling beyond depressed. Life was going but I was not.
It took until the end of the year for me to feel a bit better. She still wasn't talking to me, but it was not on my mind 24 hours a day anymore, more like 20-22. I was getting better even if just barely. The end of the year was our Disney trip and senior picnic. I never got to hang around with her at all on the trip. I tried to look for her as much as possible but never succeeding at gaining her attention. Probably for the better for her though. One of the days after the trip I managed to talk to her in the hall about some things. I had it all on a paper because I couldn't bring myself to strictly remember everything. I told her what I could to try and make it better. Then the day of the senior picnic I got back to my car and there was a piece of paper there. It was from her. I still have this as well in my memories box in my dorm. It said something like: I think we should just remain acquaintances at this point. Let the summer pass and college. I don't know her words I can't remember off the top of my head. It was a bit of closure though, I guess.
Graduation came along and the end of school was here. That is pretty much the end of the story. At least up to that point in time. The future still holds some surprises. That will be future posts because I really can't type anymore. And I apologize to any reader that actually read that entire post. I give you all of my respect and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have put a great deal of effort to try to understand me. And I will end at that.
Junior year I was still thinking about the "crush" from sophomore year a bit. However, I continued on with my learning. I was still more fond of learning than anything else. Anyway, in history class we were given a project to create a silent movie on some point in history. I was not very close to any friends still, so I was not able to get in a group in my own class. I worked with a group of misfits from the other class period. We were all misfits but we were able to do well. We were all honors students, so it was a fun time. We chose the Boston Tea Party to do the movie on. Anyway this was where I first met a girl, or rather re-met, that will become very important to this story. She was like me when it came to the movie. She knew about it but she was not a big fan of being in the movie. Well we went through weeks of making the movie at each others' houses and some other random places.
Well we finished up the movie and this girl was really creative and she made the finishing touches on the movie. She would stay up until all hours of the night to get it done. She brought the product in one day for us all to watch and it was fantastic. We had a really good movie on our hands. The day for presenting our project was upon us and I was so proud of it. It was possibly the best project I ever had, thanks go to everyone in the group. Well she was really nervous about showing it. I tried to comfort her by saying that it was awesome. No one would dare make fun of it or anything like that. It didn't really help, she was still shaking. Well as far as I remember no one had anything bad to say about it. I personally still think it was the best one shown. I even showed it in my class period. That was my reintroduction to this girl. After the project I really didn't talk to anyone in the group for awhile.
Later in the year, this girl and I started talking for one reason or another. Anyway it was approaching prom time and she was going with a guy that was in the movie group that she had been thought to be dating for awhile. She never really admitted it to anyone but everyone suspected. Prom came and went and she was all of a sudden really lonesome and never talked to almost anyone. I was still chatting with her at times. I can't exactly remember the exact course of events at this point, but it turned out that the guy never talked to her after prom. He just stopped all communication with her despite the fact that she was in most of his classes. It also turned out that she and her other good friends were fighting as well. So she was pretty much deserted.
Anyway the end of the year came and she was one of the few people I even got to sign my yearbook. That isn't something I would usually do. I just don't like ruining books by writing in them. More tangents. Well she gave me her number and I never thought twice about it. Summer is here and boring as ever, seeing as I have few friends. I decided one day to email her. She was a person that's very appreciative of human contact because she too didn't do anything over summer. And with the fight happening between her and her friends she gladly responded to the email. We would have these long in-depth conversations every night if possible. I loved receiving them. I would be up all night just to see if I could get her email that day, but she usually sent it right after I went to bed, almost without fail. I would be up so late because her emails were pages long. I would try and mimic the length but very few times could I match the size of her emails. I think the longest any of them got to was 5 pages in Word. It was crazy. I would take half and hour to an hour to read them and then another few hours two respond. But I loved it more than anything in my life at the time.
We learned so many things about each other. We had so many commonalities. We were both quiet and introverted. We each loved science. She wanted to do something in biology. She loved animals. I too love animals. We both prefer cats to dogs. I mentioned before how we re-met each other. We had previously met in elementary school. She had a different last name then and honestly, I always thought she was a bit weird. She was always really quiet and secluded. I did find out reasoning behind this that I will not reveal for anonymity and respect for her. It seemed really interesting to me that we had so much in common. They go far beyond these few things mentioned, but it was probably more that I was looking for them at this time. After all people see what they want to see.
This went one for majority of the summer. At one point she even came over our house. We played outside in the inflatable pool and volleyball and badminton. It was fun. Technically it was the first time I ever had a female friend over my house. So that was new too. Well, things went on. I started getting asked if she was my girlfriend and things like that. I kept on saying no, even though it really wasn't believed. Well we continued our conversations via email. Over the next few weeks, I started to think about her and realized that maybe people were right. Maybe I did like her. Either they suspected what I didn't or they influenced me to think I did. Either way it was now an idea in my head. I kept thinking about it while I read about the intimate details of her life and told her of mine. At some point I decided to give in and tell her about my feelings. Her first response was one of ignorance. She didn't respond to that part of the email at all. I thought maybe she didn't get what I was saying because again I was cautious with my words and essentially was beating around the bush. So I sent another more direct email and her response was that she didn't know what to say so she just didn't. She didn't feel that way was her next response. I figured as much but now I had confirmation. I just wanted to make sure we were still able to be friends.
End of summer came and school started up again. We were in the same classes due to my essential copying of her schedule. Other than a few classes. We talked a lot and enjoyed each others company. We sat together at lunch. We sat with our group of mutual friends. Classes were enjoyable and we each liked certain classes and hated others. I was still feeling the same about her but I didn't want that to affect our friendship. I let it go and tried to forget.
Our school year continued. We got closer. She had her wisdom teeth out and she had to miss nearly a week of classes. She got her homework and I helped her a bit with calculus. I was rather distraught when I found out I didn't help enough to catch her up on stuff and get her grade up. Life went on. At one point while getting teacher references she started crying when she got something from one teacher because she was so happy about it. I didn't know this at the time all I knew was that she was crying and I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't want to embrace her for fear of overstepping my bounds. I did walk with her to the car though and made sure she was ok to drive. Eventually it came time for me to get my driver's license. I was almost 18, so I really needed to. I have never cared much for driving, so I didn't really care. But it ended up that each of us were going on the same day. This, to me, was a sign. Either we would both fail again (yes we both failed previously), or we would both get it. To me there was no other option. On the way to the testing place, I heard her favorite song of the time, Viva La Vida by Coldplay, twice. I was convinced that there was no way we would fail. I got through my test and I passed. I found out later that day that she too had passed. Four hours separated our first issued driver's licenses. In my eyes, yet another sign. These are the thoughts that would circulate through my mind all day everyday. Perhaps readers can see what I was going through at the time.
I think I will just say that life continued on about the same as this until November. My birthday rolls around and for me it is just another day. I don't worry other people with my birthday. I never have in the past, but she got me a gift. It was officially the first time I received a gift from anyone outside of a party and/or my family. It may have only been candy, but it was definitely the best present I ever received. I was very grateful and couldn't wait for my chance to get her a present for her birthday in march.
Christmas came and I knew I was getting her something good. She gave me a drawing pad and mechanical pencil because she drew and I always tried to compare with her drawings, always falling well short. I knew she wanted the computer game Spore and I was going to get it if she didn't get it from her parents. Well she didn't and I knew her present. I got her a puppy mouse pad and a kitten calendar because of her love of animals. Then the day before school started again I went to Walmart and bought it. Almost got in an accident on the way home and couldn't wait for the next day of school to end. I finally got to leave school with her and give her the present in the trunk of my car. I got the big bag out of the trunk and brought it the two parking spaces away that her car was from mine. She opened the bag and found the mousepad and calendar. She said thanks so much and then I told her there was more. She got to the bottom of the bag and I will never forget her expression. "ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!" Eyes wide. Smile larger than I've ever seen. Glowing with excitement. I could not have been more ecstatic than I was in this moment. I love surprising people with things they really want. This is when I feel extremely accomplished. Well life continued the same as always. We talked and enjoyed each other and then things happened.
The order of upcoming events is honestly a bit fuzzy but I will try to remember as best I can. I am pretty sure that the next thing that happened was I reminded her again that I liked her still. I started to bug her about it. This caused her to back off a bit. We didn't talk much after this. I think this was about the time her cat died as well. I was feeling horrible about this because she had the cat for all her life essentially. I got her a card and started acting really stupid in pity for her. Meanwhile she was working past it. I was just bringing it up like an idiot. I feel horrible about it now. This is the time I started to really struggle mentally with everything. I was so confused and distraught and just crap inside. Time went on and we rarely talked if at all. Then we started to talk a bit more leading into February. I'm sure any reader can see where this is going.
Valentine's day. We are talking a bit more and I decide well this might be a good time to send a gift to say sorry for what's happened and have a nice holiday. Well a few days later it gets to her house because I bought the stupid thing via internet, which I never advise anyone to do EVER. I received a package on the porch that same day. Now I am done, I know exactly what it is. I get inside. Now my parents have to find out everything. And I can't possibly explain everything in the condition I'm in. I open it and find that the thing says "I love you". So many horrible things went through my head at that instant. One of them being someone is going to die at this company. I know now that my life is over and this whole thing I might have had was beyond over.
The next few days of class was her seat being moved away from me and complete and total ignorance. I tried to talk to her but she just left the room when I did. I quickly asked if I could get another chance and she sternly said get away from me. I gave up there and then. Before the end of the day I was in the counselors office talking to her. I also received a text from her. It is in my inbox to this day. I used to look at it occasionally. I guess I enjoy torturing myself like that. It said, "No I gave you plenty of chances, plenty of hints and even direct words. You made your decisions and I've made mine. And I'm through. Over. Done. Do YOU get it?" The most painful thing I have ever read in my life. I was never going to heal from this, was all I could think. I spent days at a time just thinking about her and what had happened. I don't know if anyone has ever had a feeling of being in a daze, but I had a feeling of being in a daze for several weeks. The only thing that would help even though it was only temporary was sleep. I went to bed early more than a few time during that time period. I have never felt so disconnected as I was during that few weeks. It was the same feeling as when you stare into space and can't move your eyes. Except I couldn't get out of it for weeks except when I slept. I even dreamed of her several times. My counselor set up weekly meetings with me to follow my progress. She even had me write my feelings and thoughts in a journal. I needed to do these because I would feel great when I left her office, then by the end of the week I was feeling beyond depressed. Life was going but I was not.
It took until the end of the year for me to feel a bit better. She still wasn't talking to me, but it was not on my mind 24 hours a day anymore, more like 20-22. I was getting better even if just barely. The end of the year was our Disney trip and senior picnic. I never got to hang around with her at all on the trip. I tried to look for her as much as possible but never succeeding at gaining her attention. Probably for the better for her though. One of the days after the trip I managed to talk to her in the hall about some things. I had it all on a paper because I couldn't bring myself to strictly remember everything. I told her what I could to try and make it better. Then the day of the senior picnic I got back to my car and there was a piece of paper there. It was from her. I still have this as well in my memories box in my dorm. It said something like: I think we should just remain acquaintances at this point. Let the summer pass and college. I don't know her words I can't remember off the top of my head. It was a bit of closure though, I guess.
Graduation came along and the end of school was here. That is pretty much the end of the story. At least up to that point in time. The future still holds some surprises. That will be future posts because I really can't type anymore. And I apologize to any reader that actually read that entire post. I give you all of my respect and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have put a great deal of effort to try to understand me. And I will end at that.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Boy vs. Girl
Ok, a friend and I were having a conversation last night about children. I have been wanting to post so badly since then, but haven't gotten a chance, so I will try to remember all we said.
So we somehow got on the topic of having children and names and things like that. Then she said that if she could only have one child she would want a boy. I said that if I had only one child it would be a girl. So we starting going further into it and she said that a lot of her male friends would rather have girls than boys. This intrigued me. I thought I was just different, but I guess not so much. Why is it that males want to have girls, and females want to have boys?
Now of course there is only one case of a female wanting a girl, but she brought up a strong case. She said that she wouldn't want to have a girl because she knows what girls are like and she knows they are "evil" inside, I think is what she said. I, having younger twin sisters, know this to be true as well. However, I still want a girl child. I have thought about it a lot in the past and I think I want a girl child because I try to appreciate women. I want what's best for the women in my environment. I want them to be treated properly. Apparently I am not the only male who wants a girl child though. So perhaps there is more to this.
She wants a boy child. I was never really proved with a reason for this so much as against the other. However, I personally feel that I don't want a boy as much because I feel like a boy will find it easier to fend for himself. I feel like he may turn out like all the other males in this current world and be corrupted to a point that I can't bring myself to appreciate. This brings up my stance on current gender roles and corruption that I am sure to post at some point in the near future. Anyway, I personally still believe in the primordial idea that girls are pure and more perfect than boys. Boys are much easier corrupt than girls. Of course this is not always true but in the world of my mind I still feel this to be true.
I still wish to look more into this. I also brainstormed last night for quite a while, it was actually hard to fall asleep. I thought of one idea that relates to Freudian psychology. I thought perhaps this has something to do with the Oedipus and Electra complexes. For those who are not knowledgeable in psychology, the Oedipal complex says that all sons innately want to have sex with their mother, and the Electra complex is the same with daughter and father. Now that is taking the more extreme translation that Freud came up with. I mean this in a much less sexual degree, and in the reverse direction. Perhaps women are more likely to wish for a son and men more likely to wish for a daughter as their heir.
I have also thought about it in a more basic sense. Perhaps parents just want their child to have what they themselves can't. So women want a child to be a man, and men want their child to be a woman. The Forbidden Fruit effect is something that I feel drives people more than anything else. I'm sure I will also be writing my beliefs on that at some point too.
These are the ideas that I have come up with. If anyone else has opinions or input to add please comment. Also if you wish to add your own opinion as to whether you want a boy or girl you can. This will give a more varied result to see if any of this is even logical to look at as a comparison or just a coincidence. Please include your gender and the child's gender. For example I would just put: male and girl. Thanks.
So we somehow got on the topic of having children and names and things like that. Then she said that if she could only have one child she would want a boy. I said that if I had only one child it would be a girl. So we starting going further into it and she said that a lot of her male friends would rather have girls than boys. This intrigued me. I thought I was just different, but I guess not so much. Why is it that males want to have girls, and females want to have boys?
Now of course there is only one case of a female wanting a girl, but she brought up a strong case. She said that she wouldn't want to have a girl because she knows what girls are like and she knows they are "evil" inside, I think is what she said. I, having younger twin sisters, know this to be true as well. However, I still want a girl child. I have thought about it a lot in the past and I think I want a girl child because I try to appreciate women. I want what's best for the women in my environment. I want them to be treated properly. Apparently I am not the only male who wants a girl child though. So perhaps there is more to this.
She wants a boy child. I was never really proved with a reason for this so much as against the other. However, I personally feel that I don't want a boy as much because I feel like a boy will find it easier to fend for himself. I feel like he may turn out like all the other males in this current world and be corrupted to a point that I can't bring myself to appreciate. This brings up my stance on current gender roles and corruption that I am sure to post at some point in the near future. Anyway, I personally still believe in the primordial idea that girls are pure and more perfect than boys. Boys are much easier corrupt than girls. Of course this is not always true but in the world of my mind I still feel this to be true.
I still wish to look more into this. I also brainstormed last night for quite a while, it was actually hard to fall asleep. I thought of one idea that relates to Freudian psychology. I thought perhaps this has something to do with the Oedipus and Electra complexes. For those who are not knowledgeable in psychology, the Oedipal complex says that all sons innately want to have sex with their mother, and the Electra complex is the same with daughter and father. Now that is taking the more extreme translation that Freud came up with. I mean this in a much less sexual degree, and in the reverse direction. Perhaps women are more likely to wish for a son and men more likely to wish for a daughter as their heir.
I have also thought about it in a more basic sense. Perhaps parents just want their child to have what they themselves can't. So women want a child to be a man, and men want their child to be a woman. The Forbidden Fruit effect is something that I feel drives people more than anything else. I'm sure I will also be writing my beliefs on that at some point too.
These are the ideas that I have come up with. If anyone else has opinions or input to add please comment. Also if you wish to add your own opinion as to whether you want a boy or girl you can. This will give a more varied result to see if any of this is even logical to look at as a comparison or just a coincidence. Please include your gender and the child's gender. For example I would just put: male and girl. Thanks.
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