Saturday, August 28, 2010

Critical thinking

Alright, well obviously due to recent events people are reading my posts and hating them because I am unable to deal with the things I post about. So I figured I would start critically analyzing myself and let you decide whether I am actually right in my thoughts or if I am still in denial.

The accusations are:
I am unable to accept flaws
I am insecure
I am socially inept
I have poor self control

Any others? If so let me know.

Moving on to my explanations.
I am unable to accept flaws. I hate being wrong. Almost more than anything else. I don't speak loudly when answering questions in class because I cannot be sure whether I am correct or not. I am quiet so that I don't have to risk that. I also hate making mistakes. And for this I will sometimes scapegoat. In this situation I can't accept that I was the one doing the harm in the relationship so I blame her. Is that not correct? I cannot say to myself that I am the bad person here. I am the evildoer in this friendship. Being wrong is a flaw of human nature. So I cannot accept flaws seems to be a completely logical statement in that example.

Now my explanation of the scapegoating is hopefully going to help explain it a bit. So I spend all of my free time thinking, as I think more people should do. I don't think you realize how much I thought over this particular incident. Morning, noon, and night for at least a continuous year, I thought of this. I spent a huge fraction of my life thinking about it and how it went wrong. And yes I have thought and believed that I was the one that did it. I still do believe that. These stories however seem the opposite way because these are the ones that I like to hear. The versions that give me a bit of peace of mind. That way when I come back to this later in life, I will be able to have a bit less regret for the whole incident. I went to my counselor at school weekly over this whole thing for months. I was in such a depressive state that she actually was fearful for me at the beginning. I truly believed this girl to be the one for me. I believed that more than anything. No I didn't believe it, I knew it. And knowing something, for me, is the biggest high in the world. It will not allow me to stop pursuing it. That is what drove my actions to the point of insanity. That is why things happened the way they did. I hope that if she reads this, it will explain it a bit more, not that there is any reason at all that she should read this. I know that I hurt her and I know that she never deserved such a betrayal. I regret everything I did and I really wish I could revoke it. That was by far the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forget it.

I hope that this explains everything. Why I did it? Why I continue to write about it? And why I am the way I am? See my mind is something that I have not learned to control. These stories and other posts started as a way to control my random thoughts. It turned into something used for pain.

I am insecure. Of course I am. I have many flaws. I am extremely secretive because of these flaws. My thoughts are something that I really don't feel great about. I have types of thoughts that some people can't even dream about. If I were to reveal all of my thoughts in a day, there would be a line of people to kill me. Some of my thoughts are things that are frowned upon by many. I am completely insecure with these thoughts. They are fairly disconcerting to my moral side. I am secretive with my actions as well. The thing that always pops into my mind first is what will people think when they realize what I am doing. This could be an action as simple as going to the bathroom or wearing different clothes. It doesn't even have to be a bad thing. I am completely insecure and I am able to admit that. I have been trying to do new things and I try to think other things than what people think. I am now much less ashamed by things. I now am able to make presentations without getting shaky and obsessively nervous beforehand. I am much better off than I was this time last year. I am even able to make a fool of myself. So insecurity is something I have been working on lately

I am socially inept. That is something that I have never been good with. I was a quiet child and I have been told by my parents that I only cried once in a while when I was little. I have always been a lonely quiet type. I only give my input when I am asked directly or it is necessary. I don't talk to people for fun, I usually only do it if I have a reason to talk to them. I am horrible at making small talk. I hate small talk for that reason. I am so inept I have never known anyone enough to go on a date. I have never been that close to anyone. So yes I know I am socially awkward. I have been trying to work on it, but it is almost two decades of work to make up for.

I have poor self control. I am going to say I have alright self control actually. I didn't in this situation. And I never should have lost my normal self control. I have said before that I thought she was the one. I also said how I never have been with anyone. These two things together lead to a person who has no idea what they are doing and trying to make someone love them. I was inexperienced in that case. When it comes to other things though I am usually very controlled. I almost never lose my cool. I lose it while playing videogames, but that is just out of fun usually. I am a person who has very few major cares. I am not offended or grossed-out or hurt by very much at all. I am able to think myself through most scenarios without letting my emotions get the best of me. It was just this case that I am not able to control myself.

Well I hope that will suffice for explanations of my flaws that were pointed out to me. I am able to see where you two, Caritus and no regrets, are able to get these. As you can see I have been trying to work on most of them as well. So I hope that you will not judge me too harshly now that you know me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in my stories. My apologies again.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I am going to use this post to apologize for the last few days. I am going to try to be bigger than I am. The two responses I got to the previous post have actually gotten to me. I have spent the last hour or so reading old emails from the girl that I keep writing about.

I am realizing how much I really messed up. Both the relationship and the last few days. My last post/comments were completely uncalled for. I wrote them while in a mood that was not exactly stable, it started with self pity and ended with anger. No one deserves that type of response from a simple caring comment. I do realize that it is already out there and I am not going to take it off the blog just so this post still maintains its meaning long after this incident cools down.

First Caritus:
I apologize for offending you so greatly. It is something that I never intended to do. I never wanted to hurt anyone I just wanted to tell my side of the story. I don't know why I focus on this as much as I do, but I do. And that is who I am and it won't ever change. I cannot unfortunately apologize for this fact though. I cannot apologize for who I am. If someone apologizes for who they are, they do not deserve to be that person. I believe that. As I said in the comment, I do torture myself. I do that as part of my character. I don't understand it. I think it is some sort of abnormal psychological function that I face without knowing the mechanism for it. I just refer to it as emotional masochism. I don't think it is healthy but I do it regardless. I fill some unconscious need in doing these things. It sounds stupid but I just follow my instincts. I don't know if there is anything else I need to apologize for but if so please inform me. You always have had the best analogies old friend.

Next no regrets:
I am sorry for my response. I admit that my response to your comment was extremely angry. I made it in a fit of rage as soon as I got it. I know it isn't right and I am sorry for that. It did really hit me close to home. I am not a person to get angry often at all. It was weird thinking about it after the fact. I felt bad. I again am sorry for offending you. I do promise that I am a very open minded person. I accept people easier than some people do. I am trying to experience all aspects of life that others experience. I actually hope that I will be able to see the outside of the US by next year for the first time. I hope that you actually will give me suggestions on what to write about in the future. You can even play devil's advocate if you wish. I love thought debates. They are so intriguing to me. If only you promise to be as open minded as you are trying to show me to be.

Well I guess I will take this time to thank the both of you for doing this. It was a swift "mental kick in the ass" as Caritus put it. I thank you both and I will try and continue your suggestions. I hope that you will continue the responses to my posts as to keep me in line in the future. Thanks again and my apologies again.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Recent thoughts on my past

I am currently in bed attempting to go to sleep. I for whatever reason have been thinking a lot about my past "love". I really don't know why. But I can't sleep and I figured I would blog about her. I guess I probably never really talked about her much as a person, but mostly about her as an object of my affection. So that is my plan for this post.

She was a person with a very rough childhood. I learned this only after obtaining an immense amount of trust, so I won't give many details out of respect for her. When I met her in the second grade she had one last name. That was apparently her second by that time. By fifth grade, she had another different last name. As of now that is her official last name but judging from recent events, that will probably not last much longer. She has quite a good situation going for her, I am not going to talk about it though because it will just end up not allowing me to sleep even more. Anyway so if you didn't guess by the time she was in fifth grade she had 2 stepfathers, each of them giving her another sister. That is all I wish to reveal about that but I assure you there is much more behind that story.

I knew her in the second grade as the quite strange looking girl that was always by herself. Then she was gone a year or so later. I never thought twice about it. Then in fifth grade I heard her name (well her first name and her new last name) called at the awards assembly. I don't think I realized it was her completely. I had an inkling but I wasn't sure. That was when I found out how great of an artist she was. Her name was called because she was being honored as the student to have artwork kept in the elementary school halls for the next 3 years. That was an incredible honor at our school considering only 1 student received it per year. And I found out even more of this potential when I finally got to know her later in life.

Middle school was a time of change for everyone and I didn't really know her there. So I will just move onto high school.

Junior year was when we "officially" met as I first said in my previous post: "Even more about me (junior and senior year)". You can read the whole story there; this is more about her. Anyway I finally really met her in junior year. I learned so much about her in the few months I was friends with her. Those few months were no doubt the best of my life though. I think that is why I was fated to create this blog and this post specifically. You can call me melodramatic if you want but I don't care what you think.

She taught me so many things. She was the first person to introduce me to brain games. That was what consumed more than a few classes of trigonometry for junior year. I learned how much she likes to torture herself with not sleeping at night. She spends majority of her nights reading wikipedia. Which is something else she got me doing. (It appears this paragraph is starting to depict my "Copycat" post very well). She also showed her prowess when it came to movie making. She was a very creative person, who actually was quite scientific too. She wanted to major in biology and specifically in veterinary studies. She had lots of potential at so many things. It is unfortunate things didn't turn out as hoped. Anyway onto senior year.

I guess summer would be the best place to start really considering that was where I really got to know her (or at least my version of her). She was not a very athletic person. She was quite frail and even more pale. Despite this fact she did like the outdoors. She went out in the wooded area behind her house to look for animals and stuff like that. She had a cat that mean the world to her. She had him for most of her life. This cat actually died shortly before we were no more. That may have had a bit of influence on it, or rather my actions during the event may have done something. Well anyway, she and I both failed our drivers tests the first time. She failed another time as well before we both got them the same day. She was a good writer as well.

I have to get my mind together again. I fell asleep after that last paragraph. It is now the next morning. I have actually been thinking about her for a bit now and I thought I would write more.

I knew her as the quiet little girl with huge thoughts and even huger potential. She was looking at multiple colleges like lehigh but didn't get in. She got into another college that was catholic associated. Therefore once they found out she wasn't catholic, they revoked her scholarship. And that pissed me and even moreso her off. She did have bad luck pretty frequently. It was horrible sometimes. Her family situation was rocky to say the least. She thrived on others attention and rarely received it from the people she wanted to receive it from.

After saying that last sentence I realize how horrible I was. I was one of the people that showed her the attention that she desired and needed. I gave her the attention in the beginning but I took advantage of that fact later on. I was completely selfish. I destroyed everything and began my long and destructive torture for my own potential gain. Now I have to be forever taunted by the fact that I couldn't help one single girl that needed it. This sucks. That also explains why she put up with it for so long. Even after the first few times I told her of my feelings, she let is go. She was in need of attention that greatly that she didn't really care how I felt as long as I was providing the attention. I feel like an idiot, especially since I only am just figuring this out now.

I would go on with my description of her, but I really can't see bothering with it. Maybe in the future. She's gone forever with her real love and there is no point in reflecting any further.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 6 Arizona

Journal 6 – 8/16/10 3:01pm
Not much has happened since dinner last night. We did some observing. It was interrupted for quite awhile by clouds and then storms. We started at 8 or so. We stopped about 8:45. Then we started up again about 12:45. And we finished at 5 again. Luckily there were a lot fewer so we could finish. That’s about all; we went to bed and got up at 1. We aren’t doing anything today because it is storming quite hard. Dinner later at someplace, either Mountain Oasis or Stromboli’s again. Then half night of observing because we have to get up early. Flight’s at noon, we have to be there 2 hours prior, and 2.5 hour drive to the airport. That equals a waking up time of before 7. Fun. Alright well this will probably be my last official Arizona post at least for this trip, hopefully I will get to come down again in the future. AHL. Adios, hasta luego. Goodbye, until later.
8/16/10 4:30pm
Well I just learned that it is indeed to cloudy to bother even going up to the dome. So we will be having a relaxing night tonight. I suppose it is for the best. Well farewell again.
8/17/10 10:29pm EST
Well I have gotten back from Arizona. Nothing special happened. Long drive to airport. I found a few other really weird named things. Thunderbird Road, Carefree Highway, Happy Valley Road, there was a place called Page. There was also something called twin arrows and another thing called two guns. There was also a person with a license plate that said Mookie, which is a nickname that my parents call me. Plane ride was usual. Now I’m just sitting at home doing nothing. Well that should be it for now. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 5 Arizona

Journal 5 – 8/15/10 5:46pm
Coco’s restaurant was a place I would definitely go to again. It is kind of like a Friday’s or Applebee’s. It is just better is the only difference. I got a turkey club, but they also have a bunch of other stuff, Scott got a bacon cheeseburger. They have steaks and chicken and salad and all that kind of stuff. It is actually a lot like Brookside in Pottstown.
Anyway, we did more observing last night. It was a lot more waiting than the previous nights, which we still can’t figure out. We didn’t even finish all the star charts we originally were supposed to. But we will have to do them tonight or tomorrow, if possible. We went to the lake near the observatory as well. I got some pictures of the marsh-like area. There were some ducks and I even found a lizard of some kind. It was quite different than the scenery of the rest of the trip. We ended the night at a little before 5 again. I was wiped out so I was out cold as soon as I got into bed. I slept right up to my alarm at 1 today; it took long enough to finally sleep until my alarm.
Got up, ate breakfast, then we went to an extinct volcano. It was pretty cool. We got to see the lava that flowed and all the ash and cinder from the eruption. Unfortunately it was storming. But I did get to see quite a few lightening strikes. We couldn’t really get out of the car because we were so high up, so I got a few pictures of the ex-volcano. My camera battery is officially blinking dead battery now, but luckily there is only one day left. I really wish I wouldn’t have forgotten the charger. Oh well nothing can be done.
So tonight we went to Casa Bonita, a Mexican restaurant. It was ok. Not the best meal of the week, but quite filling. So now we are waiting to return to the observatory. Not sure how much viewing we will do because it is still quite cloudy. Maybe it will clear by the time we get set up. We are approaching the last day of the trip, kind of sad but it has to end at some point. Then I get to go back to school. Yay!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 4 Arizona

Journal 4 – 8/14/10 3:45pm
Picking up from last night. We had dinner at some Thai restaurant. I have to admit, it was actually really good. I had a crispy shrimp dish. They asked how hot we wanted our dishes. It was unexpected to me. I really have to start learning about this kind of thing. Anyway, Scott wanted “as hot as you make it.” I went with “the least spiciness” but at least sum. It was really good though. The spiciness wasn’t bad, and it didn’t even hit until after the dish. I think that was the best tasting meal yet. Anyway, we spent the night at the observatory again. This time Scott and I switched roles. He did the coordinates and I did the other data bits. Dr. Augensen took up his same position and slept in the chair in the other room. I spent much of the night listening to Pandora, watching Death Note, and I saw Religulous as per Wayne’s request. I have a post on that as well. I got even more tired than the previous night because I think I was out for about half an hour at one point, if not more. It was a much more relaxed night because the positions of the stars were lower than previously so we had long periods of waiting for them to rise higher.
Now onto today. Well we got back around 4:30am today a bit earlier than yesterday. I was wiped out and went right to sleep, and slept until 11am. Still have yet to awake to my alarm. Today I was only 3 minutes early though, so getting closer. Ate breakfast and made a video of the area surrounding our cabin. It will be posted on Facebook soon, if not tonight. I am such a TV personality though, aren’t I? (obvious sarcasm). Anyway after that we went to some mountain trail place. I think it was called Red Canyon or something. Anyway it was possibly the greatest scenery I have ever seen. Scratch that it WAS the best scenery I have ever seen. EVER. It was absolutely amazing. I have probably 20-30 pictures of the same rock formations. I will put the pictures up when I can. I wish cameras, especially digital, could actually do this kind of thing justice. Oh well. If you want to experience the true awe of this place, you best get out here. The trail to get to the spot we were at was hellish, but with a few bumps and bruises, the Camry we rented finally made it. Then after we left the cliffs, we went to Safeway for some more groceries. And now we are back at the cabin until dinner. I think we are going to Coco’s or something. Not sure what food there is, but you will surely hear of it soon enough. Bye for now.


I just watched the movie Religulous, a documentary by Bill Maher on religion. Here is a link to the movie:

I enjoyed the movie. It was Maher's thoughts on religions across the world. He is an non-religious man. He used to be a Jewish-Christian. I have views similar to him. Some of the references he made are ones that I have written about in the past. It is a very interesting movie. I am sure there was removal of some material to increase the bias of the movie. I also feel that there were things that were not discussed.

My view on the movie, is that it was a pretty good documentary. I had laughs and didn't mind watching it. However, I feel that Bill Maher is too adamant in his beliefs. He is as bad as any other religious person. He has strong views that are on the verge of radical. I feel that he doesn't even realize it or maybe he does.

My own beliefs are for me and me alone. I don't make everyone else try to believe what I believe. This is where I feel Maher is incorrect. He is trying, with this movie, to provoke others to become atheist. He is too strong in his belief that everyone has to do the same as him. I feel that religions just need to tolerate each other. I don't care if someone else believes that Jesus is going to save them or if Mohamed is the prophet. As long as they can tolerate that I don't believe it, I'm fine with it.

I understand where he comes from when he mentions how religions cause war. Radical believers in any religion are the problem. They are the ones that I am firmly against. And that is the reason that I have a problem with Maher. He is too far from religion itself. I believe that there is potential for anything. I have adapted a view similar to Stephen Hawking. After the Big Bang everything has happened due to randomness. There was no god or outer source of anything that influence the creation of us in anyway. However, before the Big Bang there is a potential for a god. We could never have any idea. It, at least at this point, is impossible, both in theory and in practice, to see outside the CMB which is the beginning of the universe. There is infinite potential of anything before the Big Bang. Of course, being that I am more of an agnostic, I still don't want to say there is exactly 0% chance of there being a god even after the Big Bang. I just don't believe that there is a very high chance of there being a god.

I know I have said most of this before, but I felt I should both support and refute Bill Maher. I think that will do for now.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I have discovered one thing about me. Down to the deepest fibers of my being I am nothing more than a copycat. I don’t know if this is the same for others or not but I will explain. I do want to do a lot of things. And that is a good thing; at least I like to think. There is a problem though. I like to do things as I learn about them. Now that doesn’t sound bad I know, but with me, I like to do a lot of things and I am always learning new things. Hence I want to do most everything that I come into minimal contact with. I am currently a Physics and Chemistry double major with a Math minor. That is because I wanted to do those when I came to college, so I decided not to decide on one but all. Now I have been introduced to a simple aspect of Biochemistry and I want to do that too. I also wouldn’t mind doing Astronomy now that I am doing this research. Now you will probably ask what that has to do with copycatting, if it is something I want, why not go for it?

This does transfer over to other aspects of my life. My college friends have and do all kinds of stuff that I never have and now I want to do those things. One of my friends is Indian. Since meeting her, I had a desire and have actually fulfilled that desire to try Indian food. I also wish to know more about the Hindu religion. Aside from the minimal amounts of religious learning from seventh grade social studies class, I only ever was somewhat knowledgeable of Christianity before this. I also have a friend who is a Comp Sci major and I had some computer programming in high school and I had a Comp Sci class this summer. Now I have a desire to do computer programming. I have even been told it is something I am good at by my professor. I have a friend who is a history major and my former roommate had a history class spring semester. I now want to know more about history, which by the way I strongly disliked in high school. I am also looking into Biology because I know several Bio majors. I could list probably a dozen and a half other things too and those don’t necessarily have to do with school like these other ones. But I don’t want to bore you more than I have already.

So this is the main component of me. I am a copycat. I do things that others do. I am just like any other human. I need to fit in, despite the fact that I don’t want to believe it. I just tell myself that it is something I really want to do. I want to be able to do this thing or that. This person is good at drawing, so I want to be better. This person knows all about Chemistry, I want to know more. This person can do anything, I want to do everything. These are the thoughts that go through my head all day every day. It’s one of the obsessions I deal with. It is actually a motivational drive though. It makes me do something.

I am not really saying that being a copycat is bad. I personally don’t think it is a good thing, but I have to learn to be another way before I can do anything about it. I feel like I need to be more unique to satisfy myself. That is why I think it isn’t good. Some may think that this quality is alright. I don’t. Well that’s about all I can say of this subject. I shall be posting again soon enough.

Day 3 Arizona

Journal 3 – 8/13/10 2:23pm
Now I have to really think about what has happened since the last post. Everything is starting to blend together. Ok, so last evening we went to Stomboli’s. My parents are going to give me crap, I know. But I actually ate spaghetti and chicken parmagiana. For those who don’t know, I am not a big fan of spaghetti. It wasn’t bad, is all I will say.
On to the later night activities. After the restaurant, we returned to our cabin. We left for Lowell Observatory around 6pm. We got there and learned (for me) and relearned (for the others) how to work the telescope. It is really high tech. We didn’t even have to enter the actual telescope dome. We were in a building next to it and controlling it remotely. It was actually really cool. Once we booted up the computers and all that good stuff, it was still light out so Scott and I took a walk. I got a lot of pictures. And we saw COWS. Real moo-moo cows. Wild, I think, cows. They were roaming free around the Lowell grounds. We got within 5 to 10 yards of them. It was rather weird and cool at the same time. Then we returned to the building and got ready to begin the observing. The guy that met us there, Ed, was pretty cool. He knew what he was talking about. He knew how to work all the machines and computers for the telescope. He was also pretty cool. And he has an awesome dog, Stardust. She was fun to play around with. She kept trying to untie Dr. Augensen’s and Ed’s shoes. It made me want a pet again.
Anyway Ed left about the time we started the observations. All I had to do was type in coordinates and Scott typed in the exposure time and a few other things and we waited for as long as the paper said. Then we went to the next stars. Then wash, rinse and repeat. (I was kidding about the wash and rinse by the way). And we did this all night. From about 7pm to 5am. A few times we went outside to check to see what we can see tonight and see if we could catch any Perseid meteors again. We did see a lot of stars and the Milky Way and some meteors again. It was pretty cool. I was still in amazement even after the previous night. It was really incredible. Anyway we did the typing and waiting. During the waiting periods, I did all kinds of stuff. I watched an episode of Eureka 7. I started up Death Note again. I played around on Facebook for quite a while. I posted my previous blogs as some of you know. By the way, I will either have internet access (at observatory) or cell access (at cabin) but never both. Anyway, the night was long and tiring. We ate our Subway sandwiches around 2 or 3 local time. We left at about 5am. I don’t remember most of the trip. I was asleep for a bit and just out of it for the rest. We got back and Dr. Augensen said we could sleep as late as we wanted because we had worked the whole night. He got up earlier and went to NAU to look at the data. Scott and I remained in bed until 12:30 for me and 1 for Scott. Today is mostly uneventful just breakfast after noon and dinner around 4 or so, then observing tonight again. I am just lounging currently. Wishing I could go back to sleep, but it probably wouldn’t be worth it. Oh well. Be back for more adventures later.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 2 Arizona

Journal 2 – 8/12/10 2:04pm
First I will discuss last night’s adventure to the historic museum and outlook of Lowell and then the trip to the mesa. Well we went a bit late to the observatory site. There were a bunch of people there and there were lines for all the telescopes on display. I’ll be honest I wasn’t expecting that there would be so much stuff around. It is nothing like the one at Widener. Well we watched a movie about Lowell’s observing and what all was discovered at Lowell observatory over the years. I also learned how biased the people of Arizona are with regards to the discovery of the expanding universe. According to them Hubble did very little and got almost all his information from Slipher, the man who used Lowell to find the information. It’s funny how one’s pride can conflict with everyone else’s accepted point of view. Oh well. Anyway we learned some stuff, but didn’t get to go to the telescopes because the lines were so long. There was a nice view of the sky with the naked eye though. On the way back down we went to an outlook that overlooked the city/town of Flagstaff. I got some pictures that I will upload at some point.
Then the greatest part of the trip thus far occurred. We went to the mesa. It is in the middle of the forest and up above most of the tree line. There was total darkness. Except for the stars. It was absolutely magnificent. We could see every constellation ever recorded; of course I don’t know them though, but Dr. Augensen found a ton of them. We were able to clearly see the bulge of the Milky Way. It was fantastic. It is also the time when the Perseid meteor shower occurs and we saw some of those as well. They were outstanding as well. Now that I think about it, I don’t even think the moon was out. I didn’t even realize until right now when I am writing it, the next day. I was so awestruck, that it didn’t even occur to me. One of the few thoughts I had when we were staring up at the stars was: “This is what they saw. This is why the ancients were so astounded by the sky and made all the tales they made.” There is no explanation for the things we saw. It was possibly the greatest night of viewing for all three of us, even Dr. Augensen who has decades under his belt. I am still completely thrown aback that I have never seen this type of thing before. That viewing was enough to make this trip completely worth it. I really hope that I will be invited again.
Now on to today’s activities, we got up at around 9, ate breakfast, then we went to Meteor Crater. That was another thing that blows my mind. This crater was 2.5 miles around and several hundred feet deep and a huge hole in the ground, yet it is one of the smallest craters around. I have probably 30 pictures of the crater and the surrounding area. It is incredible. I am running out of words to use to describe stuff. And I’m only just starting day 2. We got sandwiches for the night and we are going to dinner at Stromboli’s for 4pm dinner. Another ethnic restaurant and healthy breakfast food. This is turning out to be a bunch of new experiences rapped into one amazing FREE (except for souvenirs) trip. I think this will be all for now. I may just take a nap until dinner. Bye bye.

Day 1 Arizona

Journal 1- 8/11/10 6:17pm
For those who don’t know I am currently (or just was depending on when I get to actually post these) in Arizona with Dr. Augensen and Scott doing research. This will be the main theme of most of my upcoming posts. Today has been a tiring one. First I got up at 3:30am to get ready for the flight. Dr. Augensen picked up Scott and me at Widener. We got through security and everything relatively easily. Then we sat and waited for our plane for about an hour and a half. We boarded and did all that fun stuff. The ride seemed to go on forever. It was a 4 and a half hour flight across several time zones. Our flight that took off at 7 landed at quarter of 9. Then we got a rental car and drove over a hundred miles to Flagstaff. We ate lunch/dinner at an Indian restaurant/buffet. It was the first time I ever had Indian food, and it was not horrible. Some stuff I wish I hadn’t gotten but it was overall a pretty good meal. Then we drove to the NAU campus. There we met up with the chair of physics and astronomy and an actual astronomer. It was really cool. After that we went grocery shopping for the week, and then came back here to the hotel/cabin we are living in. Sadly, there is no internet access, so I cannot post this while here, but I will post it ASAP. Tonight we are not doing research, but we will be going to another observatory for their observing night. I think it will be fun. I just got back from walking around the woods where we are staying. I got some pictures that will have to be posted. I may have to post all of them together after the trip is over. We will have to see how things go. Well I think that is it for the night. I may post more if something comes up. One other thing I forgot. I thought it was kind of funny how weird the names of some streets are in Arizona. I recorded some of them. Some of the ones I saw were: Bloody Basin Road, Indian School Road, and Stoneman Lake Road. There were others too but I can’t remember them. That should be it for the night.

Friday, August 6, 2010


Finally started walking again today. After the week of nearly continuous videogame playing, it was nice to get out. I think my videogame kick is fighting back. I know I should stop but there's only a few more days left until I won't even get a chance to play. For those who don't know my schedule yet, it involves physics 2 and organic chem, along with astronomy, history, and multivariable calculus. It will be quite a tough semester, but I can't wait either way. Anyway that is the reason I will not be able to play videogames. I plan to study the way we are told to, several hours a day. I can't foresee it happening like that but I will try.

Anyway so I did go walking today. I thought about a lot of stuff from the past and some stuff that I made up on the fly. I walked until my legs were numb as usual. I figured I would write a short blog about some stuff I thought of. This will get me in the hang of writing again.

The main thought I remember while walking was about when I went through the incident in high school. When I lost the person I thought I was in love with. "Even more about me (junior and senior year)" is the post if you have not read it. I was most curious about the dazed state I was in during the aftermath.

At the time, I was in a dazed state. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I went through school and work and home like a mindless zombie. I talked to very few people. I was completely apathetic (much more than usual). I had no care for anything. I thought, but even my thoughts were fuzzy. I can't remember, but I don't think I ate all that much. This was all happening for weeks straight. I was extremely tired and sleeping was the only time that I felt alright. And when you sleep you really aren't able to feel all that much. It was similar to the times when you are staring at something or into space and you can't move your eyes. Something just won't let you. That was how my entire body was all day everyday for weeks. I was in a somewhat subconscious or unconscious state. I was never able to explain it.

I looked up a bit on consciousness and I am not really sure what it was. I wish I had an explanation or even a word for whatever it was. I just know that I didn't like it. I hope it never happens again. It was horrible, I lost out on several weeks of my life for some unknown reason.

I guess that will be all for now. I really can't remember what else I thought about on the walk. Hopefully I will have some inspiration to write something else soon enough.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My ideas for the future of cars

I realize I haven't posted in a long time. I really haven't had too much to talk about. Several others had started up their posts again so I decided to join in. Since the last time, research is pretty much over with, still have to do the poster at some point though and still not sure how that will happen. Arizona is less than a week away. Summer is coming to a close. I have been playing tons of videogames. My eyes are going to kill me for it, but oh well. Finished up Clockwork Orange, watched most of Eureka 7. I'm co-chair for fundraising in EWB. I don't know.

Not really sure what else to talk about. No major breakthroughs or depressive states lately. Just the normal boring everyday life.

Maybe I will talk about my idea that I have had since before I started driving. It's a physics problem I guess. Not even sure how much sense it makes.

Well it is a way of fixing the problem of accidents on the road. It would take a lot of technological advances though. Well it makes roads into something similar to a radio. Everyone knows how a radio has lots of different channels that play at different frequencies. Well I am proposing a similar idea for cars. If roads, especially highways, were to run on hundreds or thousands of frequencies that cars could ride on than there would be countless hours of time saved from traffic jams and less lives lost due to accidents. Now I know this idea sounds completely insane. I mean matter doesn't tend to run on different frequencies like a radio. Not to mention that cars following different frequencies seems completely preposterous.

I know the idea needs work but let me explain as best I can with the limited knowledge I have. Now we know that electrons exist at different energy levels. These, when they fall from one shell to another, release a photon that has a frequency equivalent to the energy level difference the electron fell. If we were able to discover and recreate the mechanism behind this, there may be a way to use it in manufacturing.

I also have thought about using a type of virtual highway. Think about any photography technology. You can move things from one layer to another and lay things on top of others. This is another way. To have a form of teleportation (which apparently isn't a word to firefox) into a program that allows travel through a virtual highway to get you from point A to B. Of course why bother going into something so complex if you have instant teleportation anyway. Just teleport there. By the way for those who haven't heard teleportation of information has been improved by Chinese scientists. I saw it somewhere recently. If I find a link I will post it.

Then there is the other method of multi-level highways that was inspired by the Jak and Daxter videogames. Once we are able to come up with a real model of the flying car there will have to be some companies that create cars that go higher than others. Eventually we will be able to have 3-dimensional motion with cars. Which actually thinking about it will probably be more dangerous than what we have now. Someone would have to be in charge of restrictions on height, speed, and other stuff like that. Oh well.

I guess my ideas aren't quite as great as I was always thinking. Well too bad, I will be pondering virtual highways and teleportation some more while all of you are stuck in your barely-2-D moving cars. Have fun with that.