This my life in a nutshell. The way I live and the things I do revolve completely around the future and the past. I am never quite as concerned with the present as I am with the others.
The past is something that was and it definitely existed. I like that. It is something concrete that I can think about. It is something that I can toy with and think "what if...". It is something that I can think about and regret and worship and laugh about and cry about all I want, but nothing ever changes. It is not something that I can change ever. And I know that. When I think about the past, I regret more than anything. And doing so, stresses me out because I think about what could have been.
The future is something very conceptual. I like that too. It is something that anyone can theorize about and never really be wrong. Not immediately at least. I can think about the future and what it holds all I want and never stop. However, then I really don't have much of a future now, do I? The future is planning for events and getting ready for things in the near and far future and planning my career and planning my family and planning my life in general. But what is the use? Why do we do this? Why do we waste our time when this moment could easily be our last?
The present. That is something I can't grasp. I am now nearing the age of 20 and I still can't say I even have close to a definition of what life is. At this time I have no reason to live other than my own volition. I really haven't found anything that I would die for without regrets. I haven't even figured out what I would like to do with my life, supposing I do live a full life. And none these things even have anything to do with the present. The present is something that is supposed to involve fun. People have fun during their lives. I don't do that. I have not even discovered what fun is.
Fun is something I don't understand. I do know that everyone has their own types of fun. But as I understand it, there are some universal forms of fun. Normal people enjoy parties and drinking and doing stupid things and enjoying themselves. As I have mentioned previously, I despise drinking and I refuse to do parties. I don't like being stupid because I have spent my life trying to be smart. I am not a risk taker. I don't want to do anything to put my future at risk. Hell, I don't even have the ability to get a girlfriend after all this time.
So where does all that leave me for the fun aspect of life? What is someone like me supposed to do when all my good friends around me enjoy everything I just listed and I very-near hate them for it? I am not able to enjoy myself when my friends are out doing the things that I hate for anyone to be doing. And there is no way in hell I will do it with them.
On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself. What if I were to enjoy something stupid? What if I were to be reckless once in my life? What then? The pressure to conform is so strong. It makes me want to so something for enjoyment purposes. But I have been so adamantly against them from the beginning. I don't want to be a hypocrite. But what if my mind was changed? What if all this time, I have been completely wrong about everything and everyone? And me? What if I have always been wrong about me?
My schoolwork runs my life. I do literally nothing but work all day everyday. I do love school, but everyone has their limits. Now, thinking ahead to my future, what will I tell my family, supposing I have one, when they ask about my college days? "I did lots of work. I worked all day everyday and I have nothing much to show for it." I will be such a bore. Scratch that, I am such a bore even now. I have never done anything interesting in my life.
All my friends have been somewhere in Europe at least once in their life. I just got off the east coast of the US for the first time ever this past summer. And that was for school related research!!!! What does that say?
And I know people will comment on this saying that I am interesting, but unless you bring up something really, really good, I won't believe you. I don't want you to prove me wrong, I want you to show me how to be something. So that I can prove whether I am right or wrong. It is my life and I need to make decisions. Which is really the point that brings this post to its completion, I have no reason to post this. I have to make the decisions in my life. I have to choose to change or not. And the fact that any of you are reading this at all is really pointless. If you do want to say something though, I won't ignore you. I do want help obviously. I wouldn't be posting anything I have posted or will post without reason. Thank you anyone who has read this or any of my posts. It is much appreciated.
They say we're supposed to learn from our past-sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. But you can't change it, so all we can do is move on.
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing what you consider "fun". And thats learning. And thats fine. Just don't "stop" yourself from trying things. I know you know whats right, wrong, and whats best for you, so just go with your heart and mind.
You will find what you want to do w/your life and you will be absolutely fabulous at whatever you do.
You're just a very reserved, private person. I do think you can "loosen up" alittle, but you will when you're ready. You know when to have fun, when to be serious. Maybe take a "risk" even if its something so minor. See how that goes and take it from there.
I can't be any more proud of you for the terrific young man you've become. I just want YOU to believe that!!!
Maybe set a small goal to do something you wouldn't normally do, reach that goal & see what happens.
You WILL meet the right person for you, you WILL have a family, you WILL be a success at whatever you do-WHEN the time is right. But just TRY & enjoy yourself, and stop putting yourself down.
I LOVE YOU, WE ALL LOVE YOU! And we're here for you no matter what.
MOM
mike,you really need to stop being hard on yourself.you need to enjoy life in the present.its great what you have accomplished so far in your college years.you need to take time out and enjoy yourself.i dont mean to drink and party, but do stuff that with your friends that you all would enjoy.stop trying to plan out your whole life just take it one day at a time.show people what your mom and i already know.YOU are a great person .you just need to show everybody else.maybe try writing positive stuff about yourself instead of all this negative stuff.you can always discuss your feelings with us.thats what we r here for .we would do anything to help you through this tough time you seem to be going through.just remember you have plenty of time to figure what you want to do with your life,but you only have a few more years to enjoy college so take time to enjoy it.step away from the books and do stuff with your friends once in awhile.we are SO proud of your accomplishments so far.i hope we didnt put too much pressure on you to excel at school.we do want you to do well but we also want you to enjoy yourself.we love you so much mike dont ever feel you cant come to us with anything.im so proud to call you my son.if you ever need anything just call.love ya, dad
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