I went walking today because that is what I do. I don't go on runs like other people. Running takes way too much effort to keep going at that pace. I was never very good at running the mile in middle and high school. It isn't about fitness so much for me. Though sometimes that is part of it. It is more about doing something to get me going. It is a way for me to get thinking and get my mind in the right state to consider new things or revisit old things, the latter is more frequent than the former. I even sometimes start texting certain friends that help me get my mind going even better, friends that I don't mind sharing these thoughts with.
Enough of that tangent. Anyway, I was walking and thinking of things to blog about and I realized that I really never talked about me. I talked about the image that other people know as me, the double major and does clubs and stuff like that, but not the true me. The deeper side of me. The side that I would prefer to be more often. I hope that I may reveal somethings about myself in this blog that no one knows, and maybe even I don't know as of this point in time. We shall see.
I am a person that has always kept to myself. I was never a person to go tell friends about all my life's details and reveal whatever I was feeling at the time to people who I didn't even care for all that much. I just talked to myself, both inside my head and aloud. If you think I am crazy, try it yourself maybe you will feel better too.
I was a very quiet child and I never really left that shell. I gradually opened it for some people and I still find it hard to trust most people. As a child in elementary school, I always only had one or two real friends. I wasn't popular but I was liked by most people, I was never really sure why. I guess because I was never stepping on anyone's toes, I was just there. Sometimes I was so quiet people would actually forget I was sitting right next to them. I loved school though and it was all I really cared about. I got A's on everything and when I didn't I actually cried. I hated failing, as if I would go to Hell if I got a B or lower on anything. My parents never were that strict on my about grades, but I was really a perfectionist about it then.
I was always perfectly content with those couple of friends I had. I never needed anyone else. I had them and videogames and tv and school and I was as happy as I could ever wish to be. I never cared for anyone of the opposite sex really. Of course this is still elementary school times so I was still young. I was fine with my two guy friends.
Gradually time passed and middle school came along. I still had one good friend and I had school. Math was always my favorite and I joined Math League in 6th grade. It was the best experience ever and I wanted to do it every year, but they stopped doing it halfway through 7th grade, it sucked and I was spiteful. It was my only club because I was not much a sports person and I really wasn't a team person. I just went along with school. I stayed with my good friend even though he had friends that I didn't care much for. They were the people that didn't even finish high school as far as I know and probably will end up dead on a street corner by OD. Oh well, not my problem. I didn't like them much.
Eventually middle school ends and all of a sudden I have no friends anymore. I don't know what's happened but my once best and only friend is no longer there. And then it hit me that I really don't care. I spent 8 years of my life with this almost brother, and now I don't even care that he is gone. Isn't there something wrong with that picture? But I continued on nonetheless. I ended up being one of the smart people. I was ranked in the top 15 students every semester of high school. So this lead me to become friends with mostly other smart people. I got to know a few of them and had classes with them all four years. However, none of these friends were people that I really hung around with. I never went over anyone's house to play or went out to the movies or anything like that. Once the end of the day bell rang the the bus dropped me off in my neighborhood I completely dropped off the radar. I had no extra-curriculars, until Math League started, which was always during school. I had went to no sporting events. I did nothing but sit in my room mostly and play videogames or watch tv. I was a very "anti-social" person. I didn't care at the time. I just wanted to do what I was doing and do well in school. I was still not very interested in any girls. I just never got that feeling for anyone in particular. I didn't mind talking to them and I didn't mind have grade competitions with anyone but I didn't really care to have a girlfriend. I was perfectly content with me, myself, and I.
Sophomore year rolls around and I start to get to know a few people more. I get to classes like Biology that involve working in groups to do activities. I learn about people a bit more about the people around me. Before the end of the year, I start to feel interested by a girl in my class. I didn't know where it came from and I didn't know what to do. I was completely clueless. I start going to my room even more frequently and brainstorming ideas of what to do. The thing I come up with that sounds most reasonable to me is to write a note to her. I spent weeks writing and rewriting a note that that ended up being less than a page long. I took my normal methods of being extremely cautious in wording. That is why it took so long. I finally had a note that I deemed good enough to give to her. Now to work up the nerve to give it to her. That was the hardest part of the process. I am horrible at speaking let alone to tell someone that I like them. After quite a bit more time I finally got the nerve to go to her locker and quickly say, "here this is for you." Then I walked away. I feel like a weight was taken from my shoulders. Then there was the response that was to come the next day.
The next day was a day that I won't soon forget. It was lunch and I knew where she sat and I was looking over at her table. She was talking to friends and then all of a sudden one of our mutual friends with whom she was talking whips around and gives me the most surprised look I have ever seen in my life. It was actually hard not to laugh. I didn't know what to think so I went on with my lunch. It was nearing the end of the day in Bio class. It happened to end early and she came over to my desk. By this time I had so much anxiety, I thought I would just burst. When she came over to me she told me to follow to the back of the room. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable but I followed because I still had some minuscule hope. I was told as expected that she didn't like me that way but that we should get to know each other better before anything else.
I was so satisfied by this result, believe it or not. It was possibly the best response that I could have ever expected. There was a small possibility. I just was glad nothing too horrible came out of it. I think I will save the rest of high school and college until now for future posts because those will be even longer stories. That and I'm pretty sure whoever reads this will want to dig out their eyeballs by the end because it's so long. So, on that note I will stop. Bye bye.