Friday, July 2, 2010

Even more about me (junior and senior year)

Well this is the next post about me. It encompasses my junior and senior years of high school. Many people that will read this probably know most of the stuff I am about to say but possibly not all of it. Then there are some people that know the bare minimum or nothing at all. Well shall we begin.

Junior year I was still thinking about the "crush" from sophomore year a bit. However, I continued on with my learning. I was still more fond of learning than anything else. Anyway, in history class we were given a project to create a silent movie on some point in history. I was not very close to any friends still, so I was not able to get in a group in my own class. I worked with a group of misfits from the other class period. We were all misfits but we were able to do well. We were all honors students, so it was a fun time. We chose the Boston Tea Party to do the movie on. Anyway this was where I first met a girl, or rather re-met, that will become very important to this story. She was like me when it came to the movie. She knew about it but she was not a big fan of being in the movie. Well we went through weeks of making the movie at each others' houses and some other random places.

Well we finished up the movie and this girl was really creative and she made the finishing touches on the movie. She would stay up until all hours of the night to get it done. She brought the product in one day for us all to watch and it was fantastic. We had a really good movie on our hands. The day for presenting our project was upon us and I was so proud of it. It was possibly the best project I ever had, thanks go to everyone in the group. Well she was really nervous about showing it. I tried to comfort her by saying that it was awesome. No one would dare make fun of it or anything like that. It didn't really help, she was still shaking. Well as far as I remember no one had anything bad to say about it. I personally still think it was the best one shown. I even showed it in my class period. That was my reintroduction to this girl. After the project I really didn't talk to anyone in the group for awhile.

Later in the year, this girl and I started talking for one reason or another. Anyway it was approaching prom time and she was going with a guy that was in the movie group that she had been thought to be dating for awhile. She never really admitted it to anyone but everyone suspected. Prom came and went and she was all of a sudden really lonesome and never talked to almost anyone. I was still chatting with her at times. I can't exactly remember the exact course of events at this point, but it turned out that the guy never talked to her after prom. He just stopped all communication with her despite the fact that she was in most of his classes. It also turned out that she and her other good friends were fighting as well. So she was pretty much deserted.

Anyway the end of the year came and she was one of the few people I even got to sign my yearbook. That isn't something I would usually do. I just don't like ruining books by writing in them. More tangents. Well she gave me her number and I never thought twice about it. Summer is here and boring as ever, seeing as I have few friends. I decided one day to email her. She was a person that's very appreciative of human contact because she too didn't do anything over summer. And with the fight happening between her and her friends she gladly responded to the email. We would have these long in-depth conversations every night if possible. I loved receiving them. I would be up all night just to see if I could get her email that day, but she usually sent it right after I went to bed, almost without fail. I would be up so late because her emails were pages long. I would try and mimic the length but very few times could I match the size of her emails. I think the longest any of them got to was 5 pages in Word. It was crazy. I would take half and hour to an hour to read them and then another few hours two respond. But I loved it more than anything in my life at the time.

We learned so many things about each other. We had so many commonalities. We were both quiet and introverted. We each loved science. She wanted to do something in biology. She loved animals. I too love animals. We both prefer cats to dogs. I mentioned before how we re-met each other. We had previously met in elementary school. She had a different last name then and honestly, I always thought she was a bit weird. She was always really quiet and secluded. I did find out reasoning behind this that I will not reveal for anonymity and respect for her. It seemed really interesting to me that we had so much in common. They go far beyond these few things mentioned, but it was probably more that I was looking for them at this time. After all people see what they want to see.

This went one for majority of the summer. At one point she even came over our house. We played outside in the inflatable pool and volleyball and badminton. It was fun. Technically it was the first time I ever had a female friend over my house. So that was new too. Well, things went on. I started getting asked if she was my girlfriend and things like that. I kept on saying no, even though it really wasn't believed. Well we continued our conversations via email. Over the next few weeks, I started to think about her and realized that maybe people were right. Maybe I did like her. Either they suspected what I didn't or they influenced me to think I did. Either way it was now an idea in my head. I kept thinking about it while I read about the intimate details of her life and told her of mine. At some point I decided to give in and tell her about my feelings. Her first response was one of ignorance. She didn't respond to that part of the email at all. I thought maybe she didn't get what I was saying because again I was cautious with my words and essentially was beating around the bush. So I sent another more direct email and her response was that she didn't know what to say so she just didn't. She didn't feel that way was her next response. I figured as much but now I had confirmation. I just wanted to make sure we were still able to be friends.

End of summer came and school started up again. We were in the same classes due to my essential copying of her schedule. Other than a few classes. We talked a lot and enjoyed each others company. We sat together at lunch. We sat with our group of mutual friends. Classes were enjoyable and we each liked certain classes and hated others. I was still feeling the same about her but I didn't want that to affect our friendship. I let it go and tried to forget.

Our school year continued. We got closer. She had her wisdom teeth out and she had to miss nearly a week of classes. She got her homework and I helped her a bit with calculus. I was rather distraught when I found out I didn't help enough to catch her up on stuff and get her grade up. Life went on. At one point while getting teacher references she started crying when she got something from one teacher because she was so happy about it. I didn't know this at the time all I knew was that she was crying and I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't want to embrace her for fear of overstepping my bounds. I did walk with her to the car though and made sure she was ok to drive. Eventually it came time for me to get my driver's license. I was almost 18, so I really needed to. I have never cared much for driving, so I didn't really care. But it ended up that each of us were going on the same day. This, to me, was a sign. Either we would both fail again (yes we both failed previously), or we would both get it. To me there was no other option. On the way to the testing place, I heard her favorite song of the time, Viva La Vida by Coldplay, twice. I was convinced that there was no way we would fail. I got through my test and I passed. I found out later that day that she too had passed. Four hours separated our first issued driver's licenses. In my eyes, yet another sign. These are the thoughts that would circulate through my mind all day everyday. Perhaps readers can see what I was going through at the time.

I think I will just say that life continued on about the same as this until November. My birthday rolls around and for me it is just another day. I don't worry other people with my birthday. I never have in the past, but she got me a gift. It was officially the first time I received a gift from anyone outside of a party and/or my family. It may have only been candy, but it was definitely the best present I ever received. I was very grateful and couldn't wait for my chance to get her a present for her birthday in march.

Christmas came and I knew I was getting her something good. She gave me a drawing pad and mechanical pencil because she drew and I always tried to compare with her drawings, always falling well short. I knew she wanted the computer game Spore and I was going to get it if she didn't get it from her parents. Well she didn't and I knew her present. I got her a puppy mouse pad and a kitten calendar because of her love of animals. Then the day before school started again I went to Walmart and bought it. Almost got in an accident on the way home and couldn't wait for the next day of school to end. I finally got to leave school with her and give her the present in the trunk of my car. I got the big bag out of the trunk and brought it the two parking spaces away that her car was from mine. She opened the bag and found the mousepad and calendar. She said thanks so much and then I told her there was more. She got to the bottom of the bag and I will never forget her expression. "ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!" Eyes wide. Smile larger than I've ever seen. Glowing with excitement. I could not have been more ecstatic than I was in this moment. I love surprising people with things they really want. This is when I feel extremely accomplished. Well life continued the same as always. We talked and enjoyed each other and then things happened.

The order of upcoming events is honestly a bit fuzzy but I will try to remember as best I can. I am pretty sure that the next thing that happened was I reminded her again that I liked her still. I started to bug her about it. This caused her to back off a bit. We didn't talk much after this. I think this was about the time her cat died as well. I was feeling horrible about this because she had the cat for all her life essentially. I got her a card and started acting really stupid in pity for her. Meanwhile she was working past it. I was just bringing it up like an idiot. I feel horrible about it now. This is the time I started to really struggle mentally with everything. I was so confused and distraught and just crap inside. Time went on and we rarely talked if at all. Then we started to talk a bit more leading into February. I'm sure any reader can see where this is going.

Valentine's day. We are talking a bit more and I decide well this might be a good time to send a gift to say sorry for what's happened and have a nice holiday. Well a few days later it gets to her house because I bought the stupid thing via internet, which I never advise anyone to do EVER. I received a package on the porch that same day. Now I am done, I know exactly what it is. I get inside. Now my parents have to find out everything. And I can't possibly explain everything in the condition I'm in. I open it and find that the thing says "I love you". So many horrible things went through my head at that instant. One of them being someone is going to die at this company. I know now that my life is over and this whole thing I might have had was beyond over.

The next few days of class was her seat being moved away from me and complete and total ignorance. I tried to talk to her but she just left the room when I did. I quickly asked if I could get another chance and she sternly said get away from me. I gave up there and then. Before the end of the day I was in the counselors office talking to her. I also received a text from her. It is in my inbox to this day. I used to look at it occasionally. I guess I enjoy torturing myself like that. It said, "No I gave you plenty of chances, plenty of hints and even direct words. You made your decisions and I've made mine. And I'm through. Over. Done. Do YOU get it?" The most painful thing I have ever read in my life. I was never going to heal from this, was all I could think. I spent days at a time just thinking about her and what had happened. I don't know if anyone has ever had a feeling of being in a daze, but I had a feeling of being in a daze for several weeks. The only thing that would help even though it was only temporary was sleep. I went to bed early more than a few time during that time period. I have never felt so disconnected as I was during that few weeks. It was the same feeling as when you stare into space and can't move your eyes. Except I couldn't get out of it for weeks except when I slept. I even dreamed of her several times. My counselor set up weekly meetings with me to follow my progress. She even had me write my feelings and thoughts in a journal. I needed to do these because I would feel great when I left her office, then by the end of the week I was feeling beyond depressed. Life was going but I was not.

It took until the end of the year for me to feel a bit better. She still wasn't talking to me, but it was not on my mind 24 hours a day anymore, more like 20-22. I was getting better even if just barely. The end of the year was our Disney trip and senior picnic. I never got to hang around with her at all on the trip. I tried to look for her as much as possible but never succeeding at gaining her attention. Probably for the better for her though. One of the days after the trip I managed to talk to her in the hall about some things. I had it all on a paper because I couldn't bring myself to strictly remember everything. I told her what I could to try and make it better. Then the day of the senior picnic I got back to my car and there was a piece of paper there. It was from her. I still have this as well in my memories box in my dorm. It said something like: I think we should just remain acquaintances at this point. Let the summer pass and college. I don't know her words I can't remember off the top of my head. It was a bit of closure though, I guess.
Graduation came along and the end of school was here. That is pretty much the end of the story. At least up to that point in time. The future still holds some surprises. That will be future posts because I really can't type anymore. And I apologize to any reader that actually read that entire post. I give you all of my respect and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have put a great deal of effort to try to understand me. And I will end at that.


  1. I READ THE ENTIRE THING!!!!! But then again I already know this story....maybe not all of the details. You've been through alot mentally, maybe you've learned more about yourself this way and its made you stronger. I might not have known you back in high school but I can see a change just looking into the past through your eyes. Keep it up! Besides, if you ever encounter any rough times you know that I'm only a phone call or a text away.

    P.S."I just don't like ruining books by writing in them." You wrote all over the cover of The Clockwork Orange book you gave me. I think you defy your own rules more than you think =]

  2. I used to not like writing in books. I am more willing to do it now. I used to not get my yearbook signed at all, but senior year I got a few dozen. As I grew, I moved away from my more OCD ways, granted there are still plenty left. And besides that was different, I wasn't able to give it to you personally so I needed to convey my message the easiest way possible. That was what I came up with.

  3. Haha you could have written it on a piece of paper and put it in or a sticky note. But since you don't care anymore it doesn't matter.
    Hey! You took my suggestion. It looks better in blue.

  4. I want to say sooo much. I want to hug you & make any pain you've ever felt disappear. I know those times were difficult, although we were not aware of all your pain.And I'm sorry about that.
    I'm glad you were able to realize there are people you can turn to when you need to talk, etc. And I truely believe you writing about everything really helps you. And you do a terrific job expressing youself. I would say that is a gift.
    You've grown into such a wonderful young man & I know some day you will be a terrific husband and father.
    I'm sooooo proud to call you my son. And with all my heart, I know you ARE & will be the most awesome person I have ever met.
    Continue doing everything you are doing & always remember we are here for you.
    I LOVE YOU!!!!

  5. =O <-- Justin's awe-struck expression of finding out something under the surface that hasn't been found out in a year of room-mating (that sounds weird... oh well).

    But anyway, .. kudos for being strong and not collapsing into a little Mike puddle (at least permanently). =D

    *Insert typical "I'm here for you, I'm right downstairs" stuff that should already be known but is reiterated just in case it is not*