Well hopefully this is a better received subject than the previous post more than likely was. I plan to talk about something that I, in all honesty, know near nothing about. I have no idea how long this post will be considering my lack of actual experience in the area. Nonetheless, I plan to provide whatever I can.
Well as some of you have read, I have had my share of disappointing events that never resulted in any form of relationship worth noting. In fact the most critical one pertaining to my life had to end the friendship nearly entirely. It is quite a depressing life I lead in the area of relationships.
At times this is the most devastating thing I can think of and I obsess over it. My mind becomes easily obsessed over pretty much anything. That is the reason behind this blog (although some people would much prefer to be entertained). I will suddenly have an almost nose-dive into a depressive state when I obsess over such things. This is no different. When I realize how inefficient I am at obtaining a mate, in biological terms. I just think about how little future I have with this as well. If I have gone 19 years without a partner, what is to prevent me from having no mate for another few decades? How could I possibly make this turn out differently?
I realize that I am not a people person. I am not an ideal candidate for anyone. I am tall, lanky, frail, pale, weak, all I think about is school and learning, I am not great with any form of conversation, I avoid all forms of risk as much as possible. In no way are any of these traits desirable for a means of passing on genes. There is little that is actually positive and I try to dwell on those few things, but it just isn't enough sometimes. Yeah, I care about people and I am willing to sacrifice for people I love, but that's about all I can give. Well I could teach you some of my knowledge, if that is really what you want, but even that is limited. These are my lowest times, but I come out alright every time.
There are actually other times when I start thinking the opposite way. Even if I was able to be with someone, I don't think I would want to. I mean, having someone to lean on and have for comfort is fine, but there is so much that can go wrong. Faithfulness, trust, sacrifice, love. All of these things take so much energy to actually maintain or worry that the other is maintaining. Then there is what happens when one of these is changed. So many consequences. All I want to do is learn and learn and learn anything and everything. Nothing will take that goal from me. Nothing and no one. It is my dream and no one is worth it. These are the thoughts that run through my head. Then the fact that I am not good at so many things is also swaying me to this side. I can't even have a decent conversation with family and friends, how could I keep a spouse or partner when I can't even small talk? How can I remain interesting when all I know is Chemistry and Physics and other science things? It just isn't worth all the work, is all I can think when I am in this mindset.
I don't know what to think. I have so many things floating through my head that I just live with what I have and try what I can. I do get attached to people fairly easily so long as I can trust them. This sometimes gets me in trouble, as you have probably seen.
Now, while I am talking of relationships and my thoughts. I figure I may as well talk about my ideal relationship. Of course this comes from a childhood of Disney movies and lots of cartoon with happy endings. First, I am a person that really can't stand stupid people. I want to be with someone who is equal or near equal to my intelligence level. I don't want to be in a million relationships in my life before finding the right person. I want it to be the first person forever. I just want the love and desire to be mutual and powerful.
I am again going to relate this to an anime much like in a previous post. Eureka 7 is a show that really displays the type of love I am searching for. It's a type of love that even through rough times survives and if nothing else thrives. I wouldn't go about things the same way Renton does, but he does end up with Eureka nonetheless. Their love is a love that has no bounds. Renton loves Eureka no matter what she is, which becomes important in the later part of the series.
I think this is really all I have on this subject which may actually be more than I expected. Anyway as always comment as you wish, or not.