Friday, August 27, 2010


I am going to use this post to apologize for the last few days. I am going to try to be bigger than I am. The two responses I got to the previous post have actually gotten to me. I have spent the last hour or so reading old emails from the girl that I keep writing about.

I am realizing how much I really messed up. Both the relationship and the last few days. My last post/comments were completely uncalled for. I wrote them while in a mood that was not exactly stable, it started with self pity and ended with anger. No one deserves that type of response from a simple caring comment. I do realize that it is already out there and I am not going to take it off the blog just so this post still maintains its meaning long after this incident cools down.

First Caritus:
I apologize for offending you so greatly. It is something that I never intended to do. I never wanted to hurt anyone I just wanted to tell my side of the story. I don't know why I focus on this as much as I do, but I do. And that is who I am and it won't ever change. I cannot unfortunately apologize for this fact though. I cannot apologize for who I am. If someone apologizes for who they are, they do not deserve to be that person. I believe that. As I said in the comment, I do torture myself. I do that as part of my character. I don't understand it. I think it is some sort of abnormal psychological function that I face without knowing the mechanism for it. I just refer to it as emotional masochism. I don't think it is healthy but I do it regardless. I fill some unconscious need in doing these things. It sounds stupid but I just follow my instincts. I don't know if there is anything else I need to apologize for but if so please inform me. You always have had the best analogies old friend.

Next no regrets:
I am sorry for my response. I admit that my response to your comment was extremely angry. I made it in a fit of rage as soon as I got it. I know it isn't right and I am sorry for that. It did really hit me close to home. I am not a person to get angry often at all. It was weird thinking about it after the fact. I felt bad. I again am sorry for offending you. I do promise that I am a very open minded person. I accept people easier than some people do. I am trying to experience all aspects of life that others experience. I actually hope that I will be able to see the outside of the US by next year for the first time. I hope that you actually will give me suggestions on what to write about in the future. You can even play devil's advocate if you wish. I love thought debates. They are so intriguing to me. If only you promise to be as open minded as you are trying to show me to be.

Well I guess I will take this time to thank the both of you for doing this. It was a swift "mental kick in the ass" as Caritus put it. I thank you both and I will try and continue your suggestions. I hope that you will continue the responses to my posts as to keep me in line in the future. Thanks again and my apologies again.

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