Saturday, August 28, 2010

Critical thinking

Alright, well obviously due to recent events people are reading my posts and hating them because I am unable to deal with the things I post about. So I figured I would start critically analyzing myself and let you decide whether I am actually right in my thoughts or if I am still in denial.

The accusations are:
I am unable to accept flaws
I am insecure
I am socially inept
I have poor self control

Any others? If so let me know.

Moving on to my explanations.
I am unable to accept flaws. I hate being wrong. Almost more than anything else. I don't speak loudly when answering questions in class because I cannot be sure whether I am correct or not. I am quiet so that I don't have to risk that. I also hate making mistakes. And for this I will sometimes scapegoat. In this situation I can't accept that I was the one doing the harm in the relationship so I blame her. Is that not correct? I cannot say to myself that I am the bad person here. I am the evildoer in this friendship. Being wrong is a flaw of human nature. So I cannot accept flaws seems to be a completely logical statement in that example.

Now my explanation of the scapegoating is hopefully going to help explain it a bit. So I spend all of my free time thinking, as I think more people should do. I don't think you realize how much I thought over this particular incident. Morning, noon, and night for at least a continuous year, I thought of this. I spent a huge fraction of my life thinking about it and how it went wrong. And yes I have thought and believed that I was the one that did it. I still do believe that. These stories however seem the opposite way because these are the ones that I like to hear. The versions that give me a bit of peace of mind. That way when I come back to this later in life, I will be able to have a bit less regret for the whole incident. I went to my counselor at school weekly over this whole thing for months. I was in such a depressive state that she actually was fearful for me at the beginning. I truly believed this girl to be the one for me. I believed that more than anything. No I didn't believe it, I knew it. And knowing something, for me, is the biggest high in the world. It will not allow me to stop pursuing it. That is what drove my actions to the point of insanity. That is why things happened the way they did. I hope that if she reads this, it will explain it a bit more, not that there is any reason at all that she should read this. I know that I hurt her and I know that she never deserved such a betrayal. I regret everything I did and I really wish I could revoke it. That was by far the biggest mistake of my life and I will never forget it.

I hope that this explains everything. Why I did it? Why I continue to write about it? And why I am the way I am? See my mind is something that I have not learned to control. These stories and other posts started as a way to control my random thoughts. It turned into something used for pain.

I am insecure. Of course I am. I have many flaws. I am extremely secretive because of these flaws. My thoughts are something that I really don't feel great about. I have types of thoughts that some people can't even dream about. If I were to reveal all of my thoughts in a day, there would be a line of people to kill me. Some of my thoughts are things that are frowned upon by many. I am completely insecure with these thoughts. They are fairly disconcerting to my moral side. I am secretive with my actions as well. The thing that always pops into my mind first is what will people think when they realize what I am doing. This could be an action as simple as going to the bathroom or wearing different clothes. It doesn't even have to be a bad thing. I am completely insecure and I am able to admit that. I have been trying to do new things and I try to think other things than what people think. I am now much less ashamed by things. I now am able to make presentations without getting shaky and obsessively nervous beforehand. I am much better off than I was this time last year. I am even able to make a fool of myself. So insecurity is something I have been working on lately

I am socially inept. That is something that I have never been good with. I was a quiet child and I have been told by my parents that I only cried once in a while when I was little. I have always been a lonely quiet type. I only give my input when I am asked directly or it is necessary. I don't talk to people for fun, I usually only do it if I have a reason to talk to them. I am horrible at making small talk. I hate small talk for that reason. I am so inept I have never known anyone enough to go on a date. I have never been that close to anyone. So yes I know I am socially awkward. I have been trying to work on it, but it is almost two decades of work to make up for.

I have poor self control. I am going to say I have alright self control actually. I didn't in this situation. And I never should have lost my normal self control. I have said before that I thought she was the one. I also said how I never have been with anyone. These two things together lead to a person who has no idea what they are doing and trying to make someone love them. I was inexperienced in that case. When it comes to other things though I am usually very controlled. I almost never lose my cool. I lose it while playing videogames, but that is just out of fun usually. I am a person who has very few major cares. I am not offended or grossed-out or hurt by very much at all. I am able to think myself through most scenarios without letting my emotions get the best of me. It was just this case that I am not able to control myself.

Well I hope that will suffice for explanations of my flaws that were pointed out to me. I am able to see where you two, Caritus and no regrets, are able to get these. As you can see I have been trying to work on most of them as well. So I hope that you will not judge me too harshly now that you know me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in my stories. My apologies again.

1 comment:

  1. Starting at your last sentence, you have NO reason to apologize!!! You are you!!!!
    I'm sure you don't want to hear from me, but of course, I have to say something.
    I've commented on your blogs in the past and I apologize if I keep repeating myself, but...
    I'm so glad you are able to express yourself. I believe this helps you get thru things.
    And I have total respect for what you're doing. Your "blogging", writing journals, etc, are the best thing I've seen happen for you. Dad & I are the worst for communicating or expressing ourselves & thats probably where your issues started. We couldn't love you any more & I apologize if there is anything in your upbringing that caused any insecurities you may have.
    I would love for you to feel comfortable enough with yourself, and us, to be able to confide in us. Again I apologize if I did anything to make you feel insecure, shy, withdrawn. I'm sorry you may have missed out on alot in your school years because of "MY" shyness/inability to express myself/insecurities.
    I know all that you have experienced will only make you a stronger person. I believe you have "tortured" yourself enough with the past and would like for you to move on, grow, and be the best you can be.
    You will find someone-someday. You have plenty of time. You have too much learning, working, etc., to do before you "settle down".
    I want you to make the best of your next few years with your college life and friends.
    I want you to know "we love you", we are here for you, and we are proud of you.
    Keep up what you're doing. You have plenty of friends and family that love you for you-and are there for you.