Monday, August 23, 2010

Recent thoughts on my past

I am currently in bed attempting to go to sleep. I for whatever reason have been thinking a lot about my past "love". I really don't know why. But I can't sleep and I figured I would blog about her. I guess I probably never really talked about her much as a person, but mostly about her as an object of my affection. So that is my plan for this post.

She was a person with a very rough childhood. I learned this only after obtaining an immense amount of trust, so I won't give many details out of respect for her. When I met her in the second grade she had one last name. That was apparently her second by that time. By fifth grade, she had another different last name. As of now that is her official last name but judging from recent events, that will probably not last much longer. She has quite a good situation going for her, I am not going to talk about it though because it will just end up not allowing me to sleep even more. Anyway so if you didn't guess by the time she was in fifth grade she had 2 stepfathers, each of them giving her another sister. That is all I wish to reveal about that but I assure you there is much more behind that story.

I knew her in the second grade as the quite strange looking girl that was always by herself. Then she was gone a year or so later. I never thought twice about it. Then in fifth grade I heard her name (well her first name and her new last name) called at the awards assembly. I don't think I realized it was her completely. I had an inkling but I wasn't sure. That was when I found out how great of an artist she was. Her name was called because she was being honored as the student to have artwork kept in the elementary school halls for the next 3 years. That was an incredible honor at our school considering only 1 student received it per year. And I found out even more of this potential when I finally got to know her later in life.

Middle school was a time of change for everyone and I didn't really know her there. So I will just move onto high school.

Junior year was when we "officially" met as I first said in my previous post: "Even more about me (junior and senior year)". You can read the whole story there; this is more about her. Anyway I finally really met her in junior year. I learned so much about her in the few months I was friends with her. Those few months were no doubt the best of my life though. I think that is why I was fated to create this blog and this post specifically. You can call me melodramatic if you want but I don't care what you think.

She taught me so many things. She was the first person to introduce me to brain games. That was what consumed more than a few classes of trigonometry for junior year. I learned how much she likes to torture herself with not sleeping at night. She spends majority of her nights reading wikipedia. Which is something else she got me doing. (It appears this paragraph is starting to depict my "Copycat" post very well). She also showed her prowess when it came to movie making. She was a very creative person, who actually was quite scientific too. She wanted to major in biology and specifically in veterinary studies. She had lots of potential at so many things. It is unfortunate things didn't turn out as hoped. Anyway onto senior year.

I guess summer would be the best place to start really considering that was where I really got to know her (or at least my version of her). She was not a very athletic person. She was quite frail and even more pale. Despite this fact she did like the outdoors. She went out in the wooded area behind her house to look for animals and stuff like that. She had a cat that mean the world to her. She had him for most of her life. This cat actually died shortly before we were no more. That may have had a bit of influence on it, or rather my actions during the event may have done something. Well anyway, she and I both failed our drivers tests the first time. She failed another time as well before we both got them the same day. She was a good writer as well.

I have to get my mind together again. I fell asleep after that last paragraph. It is now the next morning. I have actually been thinking about her for a bit now and I thought I would write more.

I knew her as the quiet little girl with huge thoughts and even huger potential. She was looking at multiple colleges like lehigh but didn't get in. She got into another college that was catholic associated. Therefore once they found out she wasn't catholic, they revoked her scholarship. And that pissed me and even moreso her off. She did have bad luck pretty frequently. It was horrible sometimes. Her family situation was rocky to say the least. She thrived on others attention and rarely received it from the people she wanted to receive it from.

After saying that last sentence I realize how horrible I was. I was one of the people that showed her the attention that she desired and needed. I gave her the attention in the beginning but I took advantage of that fact later on. I was completely selfish. I destroyed everything and began my long and destructive torture for my own potential gain. Now I have to be forever taunted by the fact that I couldn't help one single girl that needed it. This sucks. That also explains why she put up with it for so long. Even after the first few times I told her of my feelings, she let is go. She was in need of attention that greatly that she didn't really care how I felt as long as I was providing the attention. I feel like an idiot, especially since I only am just figuring this out now.

I would go on with my description of her, but I really can't see bothering with it. Maybe in the future. She's gone forever with her real love and there is no point in reflecting any further.


  1. Appreciative as one can be for your "respect" for anonymity, if what you hold is true "respect" then you would surely take note of some corrections. Surely such an intellectual would keep his facts straight.
    But first, it should be pointed out that your inability to cease this unrequited obsession is indicative display of poor self-control. And that's coming from one of the most sensitive people you'll ever encounter. You are most correct in utilizing terms like "torture" because seriously, you are only hurting yourself. Evidently you enjoy it, or otherwise wallow in the mud puddle of woe-is-me with great relish. It is neither demeaning nor shameful to have loved and lost--relationships have formed and broken since the earliest days of true "humanity." You, however, dwell, mope, and publish sorrowful stories of your failed conquest, painting yourself in enough of a noble light so as to seem the hero of the tale, yet acknowledging your errors to grace the character with a stroke of humble humility. Quite the flattering image you create of yourself. Your insecurity and again, weak self-discipline, drive you to put up a facade for your audience, whomever you intend them to be, and you only come off appearing to long for pity and for people to feel sorry for you. This reader feels sorry only for your inability to let go, not for your plight of heart. If only you could tell the whole story, and accurately. Your own "desire for attention" is made clear with every-single post regarding this "past 'love.'" GET. OVER. IT. YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THIS, SO PROVE IT, NOT TO ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF. MAN UP (and don't you dare go into some feminist argument) AND TAKE IT IN STRIDE. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, FIND ANOTHER UNTIL YOU STOP STARING AT A MEMORY AND LOOK AROUND YOU. Think about how many other young women go about unnoticed. Think about someone you hardly know, barely even heard of. For all you know, you could be surrounded with wonderful, amazing people, with even better personalities. YOU ARE MISSING OUT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. NOW GIVE YOURSELF A MENTAL KICK IN THE ASS AND MOVE.THE.HELL.ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

    For someone like yourself, as fond of self-control and the power of the mind, you are awfully hypocritical. In your attempt to leave out details, for the sake of respect, you fail to consider that your multiple posts to this blog make it more and more impossible to leave the person out of it. If you truly were respectful, none of these stories would ever surface on the Web to see the light of day. Don't try to throw a sheet over a rhinoceros and say "nobody will know what's under here", then parade it through town. Your refusal to keep these feelings to yourself is only doing further harm, not only to yourself, but to the main character, who most likely would wish only for privacy, and to be left alone--not made the deer chased by the hunter. For the deer's peace of mind and true anonymity, let it run away and disappear into the woods. Your pursuit is unfulfillable; it does no good to grasp at a wisp of smoke in hopes of catching it. Use that brain floating in your skull and wrap your head around this simple fact.

  2. (continued)
    Moving on...
    The girl in this story did not attend the same school as you until 3rd grade. Her last name did not change for the 2nd time until the first day of school, 7th grade. Regarding the "impending" third name change you speak of ("judging from recent events, that will probably not last much longer"), well. What would YOU know about that? He who cluelessly speaks is a FOOL. "Much longer" could be any length of time. And you admit to "judging"--perhaps the most offensive yet least affecting act that can result from unwanted observation (stalking). Your experiments and data collecting should have been OVER, more than a year ago. Your time as a scientist watching this one is over. Get a new hobby, a new lab rat to poke at, and be kind enough to give this one a quiet retirement, to fade out from the screen.

    Again with the heroism--she was sooo in need of your attention? Wrong. She did not "need attention" from you ANY MORE THAN YOU NEEDED IT FROM HER. Take ownership. BOTH of you sought friendship, found it in each other, and thrived. Only when YOU took it too far and began to 'rock the boat' did the danger of tipping over appear. First it was ignored. Then it was discouraged. Then it was not tolerated. YOU and YOU alone messed up by not stopping. You could have remained great friends, but it wasn't enough, and you pushed and pushed and pushed for more, way beyond the level of comfort. Telling somebody's secrets is not the only way to violate trust. This girl's heart was guarded by a feebly constructed fence surrounded by a barbed-wire-topped wall of concrete. You were given a key to pass through the wall, yet once inside, you quickly adjusted and took advantage as if you owned the place, tromping around in your carelessness and nearly demolishing the fence in your greed. You became threatening despite being trusted, and it was then that, as a last effort after repeated warnings, you were banished far beyond the outer wall.
    Friends, you were. She did not "need" your attention. YOU needed HER, just face it already! And when your needs exceeded her capacity to give, the pressure became so much that she fled, rather than get anywhere near you. It was only over periods of time and distance that she could gather herself to face your overwhelming hunger again.

    Take a good look in the mirror next time you paint a picture of yourself. Or write a blog about that which half is daydream and half is memory.

    And last of all, do us both a favor and move on. You'll have stories your whole life. But if you don't know the other person's side, or just refuse to admit it, don't bother starting the story. Falsification = lying. Better to just wait until another day, off in the future. Maybe then you'll realize you have no business sharing this story with the world.

    Consider what has been said, and grow. Do not stagnate any more, for that is exactly what has been occurring. A stagnant pool sits, grows scum and loses clarity, breeds blood-sucking mosquitoes and slowly chokes the life out of good organisms. Do better for yourself--free yourself, and move along. You will be better off for it.

    You are wished contentment.

  3. Well I will admit my dear reader; you are exactly right in most counts. I know all of this, I did write the blog after all. I cannot, to myself, admit all of the things you have said but I do know it. I have said before how I am an emotional masochist. I do truly believe this. And you obviously think so too.

    You are right about several things. For one, I needed her. I admit that freely. I cannot deny that. I needed her and I wanted her for myself. That’s all there is to it. I thought just the fact that I posted about her so many times made that clear. I also admit that I leave much anonymity not-so-much anonymous, but no name is used and little to no readers know the person anyway. So she and I are safe there. As for the “judging” thing, I judge many things. I make observations and I make assumptions about them. That is what scientists do, and that is what I plan to be one day, so it only fits. I won’t even disagree with the “Unfulfillable… pursuit” either that is how I do life. Have you never seen my past blogs? My life’s goal is to learn everything. Not just some stuff. EVERYTHING. As in, more than god himself, especially since there is not likely a god anyway. Setting unattainable goals is something I always do. It is just normal everyday thinking for me. I guess some people don’t do that. Also isn’t it obvious I make myself the hero in my story though? It’s my story. Granted I want most of it to be truth, I can’t overlook my own innate biases. Anyone would take their own side in a fight or a story alike. Now it’s my turn.

    I am going to have to say everything you say about me is incorrect. It is flat wrong. That is all there is to it, but I will explain for your convenience. This story and the others are not to make my readers take my side. It is to tell the story of my failure in my view. I have a perspective and I cannot see beyond that. A person’s reality is their own perceptions. I may have a few facts wrong, but I know the things I felt. I, then, made theories on how she felt. Not to mention I made up that one about her needing attention as I wrote it. It’s just a theory. Theories are not necessarily true, that is what makes them theories.

  4. Possibly your worst mistake and the main reason for you posting that comment. You assume I still feel like this; I can’t get my mind off of her, right? I will tell you; however, these are the thoughts that roll through my head at any one time. Just because I write with the passion that deserves as long a response as you so eagerly provided me, doesn’t mean I think about these things 24/7. It just came into my mind and I wrote about it. Most of the feelings are from last year. I can’t say with honesty at all that I feel the same way anymore. I have learned much from the experience and other things that I really don’t think that much about it. She broke my heart, albeit with some force from me as you so vividly and emotionally put it, can I not feel twinges of pain every once in a while? You were so caught up in your emotion that you revealed more than you ever needed to. You let your emotions get the best of you and you were even wrong basing your entire argument on that sole idea that I still thought this way. It happens to the best of us though. If you aren’t convinced of this, I will add a bit more. I am sure you, as an obviously very intellectual person, know minds wander quite a bit. I know you have thought about stuff, well have you never thought of your past? No matter how much someone hurts you and you know it, you still think of them, no? Even if this only occurs once in awhile. This is what I post about though. The blog is called “The Thought-filled Mind of an Average Person”. It isn’t meant to be all of my thoughts and current emotions. If it was, I would have 14,000 posts a day or thereabouts. Well hopefully you are convinced a bit by that. Onto the next topic.

    You call me a hypocrite, and yet, you contradict your own emotions within this comment. At one point you are practically yelling at me to grow up and get over it and shortly afterward you are telling me that you know I am strong and giving me positives to look forward to. Which is it? Are you defending this person from me or are you trying to tell me that I am alright? I am a bit confused, or maybe it’s you that is confuzzled with your thoughts. Or perhaps more likely is both of those. Just thought I would point that out. Feel free to explain if you wish.

    After both taking and giving some criticism I hope that I can continue to keep you reading my blog. I like the criticism that isn’t: “Oh we love you so much and are so proud of you.” You have a high level of intelligence in the writing department, but that wasn’t unexpected from the time I first saw the comment length. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that you care enough about me to take my side even if just for a few lines. Your writing actually reminds me a lot of the emails I received from the girl in the story. They were never, well almost never, this angry, though. You even include enjoyable analogies like her. Well thanks again for the comment, hope it keeps up.

  5. I also just thought I would say I haven't had so much fun thinking in a long time. That was quite enjoyable to write.

  6. Humans go a lot deeper than science can explain, thus the creation of psychology, sociology, and philosophy. Mike, your book smart but far from anything else. Ive been reading the stuff on your blog and its very clear to me that you think youre a very "deep" person,and i dont mean to hurt your feeling but you are , again, far from it. See, a deep person understands all points of view before they come to a conclusion; you on the other hand don't do that and it makes you look like a giant prick to the rest of the world.

    The worst part is that as pointed out above you have a lot of flaws, in which you can accept any of them due to i guess a large insecurity you have to admit youre wrong. That is truly sad. You can learn as much as you can from a book but unless you get over yourself youre not going to go far. To make it in the scientific community today you have to be social adept. You really need to work on that because as i said earlier you come off as a prick, a jack ass and i small little boy that is afraid of new things.

    What i suggest is you stop thinking and go out and just do. See the world for what it is and not what you think it is. Get some culture and most of all stop being that social inept prick


  7. Very rough. That is truly painful. I also know that I have no culture. I have the rest of my life to learn to be cultured. I have done more in the past few months than I ever did all my life. I don't really understand where you are coming from with such direct remarks. I really can't see how you can understand me from a few stories mostly about my past. Again I think you assume I am telling all of these stories in the present tense.

    I am not as prick-like as you may think. I do except all points of view better than most people I know. I listen to people's views all the time. That is almost all I do. That is why I like the blog because here I can say what I feel. I am wondering if you even realize how young I am. I am sure I am much younger than you seem to think. I haven't had the luck to experience things like you may have in your "highly experiential" life.

    Besides all of this. I know I am book smart. And I can be conceded about things, but am not a person that gets that type of power very much. I really never intended for so many people to read this. I was doing it to tell people that I know. I will be honest I have no idea who you are, no regrets.

    I know that people go much deeper than science. However, science explains most of it. Philosophy and psychology are subjects that I too enjoy studying. They are things that I theorize about in my free time. And if you want me to be deep come talk to me about something that I can talk deeply about. I never post very deep things so if that is really something you want just give me a subject. I have no problem with that.